Monday, March 29, 2010

Gay Community Begs Ricky Martin To Re-Enter Closet

Homosexuals Considering Formal Rejection of The La Vida Loca Singer

NEW YORK, N.Y. (CHN) -- After years of keeping quiet about his personal life, pop star Ricky Martin has announced that he is gay.

"I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man," Ricky said in a message posted on his official Web site. "I am very blessed to be who I am."

Ricky said writing his memoir and thinking about his two twin sons led him to go public. The backlash from the Gay Community was almost instant-

"No self respecting gay man would ever turn out the type of pop trash that Ricky did," said Melissa Ethridge. "I know gay and this guy just doesn't have it" responded a disillusioned Greg Louganis.

By mid afternoon Congressman Barney Frank had already authored legislation denying sodomy to occur on or near Ricky Martin; the law would be the first new regulation on sodomy outside of Texas in nearly 75 years.

Martin offered the following argument to an unknown number of remaining fans:

"To keep living as I did up until today would be to indirectly diminish the glow that my kids where [sic] born with. Enough is enough. This has to change. This was not supposed to happen 5 or 10 years ago, it is supposed to happen now. Today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment," he wrote.

But 'Martin's moment' may have to wait. Hillary Clinton has challenged Martin to bring forward any evidence that he has ever seen or touched a naked man. After this morning's White House security briefing Clinton added, "Its time the gay community set some limits; the days where we are just happy to bring on all comers has passed; long passed".

"Lets put this controversy to rest before Martin steals another moment of America's time," said Clay Aiken. Aiken continued, "It's just obvious; I mean, Mr. Martin is a terrible dancer". Gay dancing critics say that Aiken, widely know as the gay communities worst dancer, would have been the first to benefit from Martins acceptance into the gay community.

Talk Show Lesbian 'Ellen' tells CHN that Aiken's honesty is just further evidence that Martin is just one of many failed pop stars who think that going gay could save their career. Rock Hudson, The entire Jackson family, Alf, and He-Man precede Martin's attempt according to Ellen.

Gay Republicans blame Martin's feeble attempt at homosexuality on President Obama's State of The Union request to end 'don't ask don't tell'. Illinois Congressman Bart Stupak has confirmed that he will support the dissolution of 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' if and only if the President issues an executive order banning Ricky Martin from pretending that he is gay.

As of press time neither Tom Cruise or John Travolta had returned CHN's request for comment.

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UPDATE:

Top 6 Replacement titles for this story:

6. Gay Community goes straight to avoid connection with Ricky Martin
5. Ricky Martin confuses Gay Community and local book club
4. Gays reject Ricky Martin request for 9th straight year
3. Ricky Martin: I just want to dance Gayer Than I Ever Did Before
2. Gays to Ricky Martin: We are not interested
1. 5-4 Vote Denies Ricky Martin Gay Request; Condi Rice is Swing Vote.


13 comments:

James Dean said...

That is a power gay list:
Hillary Clinton
Barney Frank
Tom Cruise
John Travolta
Clay Aiken
Rock Hudson
Alf
Ellen

I think those folks could take over the world. No way Ricky Martin gets to join. BTW - is he Joey Lawrence or not??

Anonymous said...

Ricky Man is Euro-Douche. Nice Call.

Anonymous said...

Try this title:
Gays to Ricky Martin: We are not interested.
Or
Gay community announces that it will be going straight to avoid connection with Ricky Martin
Or
Ricky Martin confuses Gay Community with local book club
Or
Gays reject Ricky Martin request for 9th straight year
Or
Ricky Martin: Yeah its cause of Blossom.

Anonymous said...

Ricky Martin is a parody of a gay man. That's why he's not gay.

Straight Community said...

I don't understand, this would only be a story if Martin was attempting to join the straight community.

Anonymous said...

When did ALF turn gay? Obvi we all knew about Martin.

Anonymous said...

SO TRUE!

I cant stand TOM CRUISE AND JOHN TRAVOLTA!

Anonymous said...

How could Tom Cruise and John Travolta refuse comment on such an important issue to the gay community.

Kylee Strutt said...

Ricky Martin, Greg Louganis, Ellen, Clay Aiken, Barney Frank, Hillary Clinton, Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and ALF? When did ALF go gay?

Anonymous said...

Ricky Martin rejected by the gay community? So, is he in sexual purgatory?

Can we get that story next- Ricky Martin in sexual purgatory!!

Ricky Martin said...

This is Ricky Martin. I am gay, I swear. Stop harassing me. I am so fortunate to be gay. This is my time, my moment to enter gaydom. The joking needs to stop. I did everything necessary to prove I am a fag, the singing, dancing, the speedos, gay sex. I did it all. So leave me alone.
-Ricky.

Anonymous said...

Gays should embrace Ricky Martin, after all that he has done for them. He made it cool to be gay 15 years ago while he was pretending to be straight.

Gay Decider said...

I think that La Vida Loca is gay. Ricky Martin is not gay.

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