Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Nation's Bullies Finalize Back To School Plans

Identifying Nerds and Tools Remains Primary Objective During Orientation

Rio Del Valle Middle School, Oxnard, CA (CHN) - Twelve to thirteen year old boys with interpersonal and various behavioral skill deficiencies are making final preparations for the coming school year. Most will try to efficiently split time between the closing of peak cyber bullying season and a return to a more direct intimidation and physical abuse regimen.

"There is a lot of uncertainty coming into Rio Del Valle," says opportunistic rabbit puncher Derrick Douglas. He continued, "I mean, I know who my main targets are from Lakewood Elementary but now I have to evaluate dweebs and geeks from 3 other feeder schools".

But Douglas isn't the only incoming 7th grader who is sharpening shanks and memorizing quotes from the first half of 'Step Brothers'. Douglas will have to find his niche among returning bullies Richard Staggs and Marcus James who kept a short leash on dorks and faggots during the previous school year.

Principle Dale Vaginavich understands the pressure that incoming tards will be faced with. "It's a tough go for some of our youngsters here at the 7th and 8th grade level," says Vaginavich.

"Bullies today are stronger and faster than ever," Vaginavich closed his eyes and paused for the approximate time frame that it takes to receive an atomic wedgy; he continuted, "I mean... I wanted to try a new anti-bullying program this year but I was convinced by our Phys-Ed. Director Jim McMannis that my idea was chickenshit.

Incoming 7th grader Martin Fragilmeyer, an accomplished anagramist and comic book purveyor, was also making final preparations for the coming school year. Despite having 'head set' braces installed last week and re-stocking his closet with some of his brothers hand-me-downs, Fragilmeyer maintained a positive outlook. The dusk to dawn physical and mental abuse that he will be encountering throughout each school-day will be a cakewalk compared to the 'softening up' he will receive during extra-curricular activities.

"I'm just going to play it cool for the next 12 years or so; I'll get worked over pretty hard for my bad acne and the fact that when I throw a baseball I step forward with the wrong foot causing extreme loss of velocity and accuracy". He added, "Rest assured, someday I will graduate college, touch my first boob, and have enough money to FEDEX boxes of my own shit to everyone who ruined my childhood".


Punish Nerds said...

Are four eyed freaks and buttmunchers getting a free pass here? What sort of treatment will they be getting at Rio Del Valle Middle School

Comedy Hub Staff said...

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The Staff

Funnyordie said...

We need to develop a transparent program that limits beat downs and other violent behavior to the appropriate amount per each offence. For example - you are wearing payless shoes - punch in the balls.

Digg it!! said...


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CHN Fan Page said...

Another classic-
We meet here for more:

Christian Laettner said...

Finally a share button. Thx - im sharing!!!

FOD said...

Saw this article on FOD (www.funnyordie.com) - Did you sign a partnership with Will Ferrel?

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