Last Second Negotiation Brings Olympic Games To The Snow-Packed Windy City
by: Tarren Aanika, Winter time reporter
According to White house Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, President Obama has more than made up for a slightly embarrassing attempt at getting the 2016 Summer Olympics for his adopted home of Chicago. A series of late night phone calls and 350 billion dollars of leftover stimulus money convinced the International Olympic Committee (I.O.C.) and the City of Vancouver to hand the games over to snow-packed Chicago. Historians are unaware of any Olympics ever changing locations just days before opening ceremony. In this case "it just makes good horse-sense" according to Vancouver Mayor Sam Sullivan.
U.S. Downhill skier Lindsey Vonn wondered how the intersection of Michigan and Grand Ave would provide the slope and run space for the Giant Slalom. The I.O.C. has responded that "although the new location may not be perfect for some events it certainly isn't the rainy, snow-deprived shithole that Vancouver has provided us". according to I.O.C. President Jacques Rogge.
The renovated Soldier Field will host opening and closing ceremonies. Skating competitions will occur before, after, and during halftime of previously scheduled Chicago Bulls basketball games in the United Center.
Other last second preparations such as hotel accommodations, flags for each of the 80 nations, and hookers should be in place by day one of competition. "All in all this is sure to be a memorable games" said Rogge as he boarded a flight back to his native France with 'no current plans' of being present for any of the events in Chicago.
Critics of the Venue change were hard pressed for comments because they uniformly thought that they were on an episode of Ashton Kutcher's 'Punk'd'.
A spokesman for Chicago Mayor Richard Daley raised concerns about the 'Biathlon' (an event where athletes cross country ski and shoot rifles at pre-determined targets), "Our concern is that the shooting could cause havoc and un-necessary confusion for Chicago gangs who might interpret the Athletes as new competition for already crowded drug turf and city politics". The Mayors office has reportedly promised to inform all gangs and area mobsters not to return fire during the two week competition.