Sunday, July 11, 2010

BP To Invest 'Some, Not All' of Escrow Account On Boy Band

New Band Could Produce Up To Ten Singles By 2015

Gulfport, Louisiana (CHN) The effects of the Gulf oil spill continue to spread from the oil sheen in Corpus Christie to tar balls on Fort Lauderdale beaches. But oil giant BP, whose Deepwater Horizon Rig caught fire and exploded on April 20th, is looking to rebuild it's image and possibly an entire music genre in the process.

In mid June BP agreed to set aside a 20 billion dollar escrow account to guarantee their promise to clean up and rebuild the Gulf Region. Tens of thousands of claims have been made to BP by out of work fisherman yet the oil conglomerate has admittedly been slow to process or pay those claims.

This mornings press release from the companies London headquarters is finally shedding light on how the company is planning to invest 'some, but not all' of the $20 billion account.

BP CEO Tony Hayward explained the new investment to CHN Europe earlier today:
"After careful consideration of the environmental and economic impact of the oil spill, we have concluded that the best use of recovery funds will be for the development and marketing of a top notch boy band. We are not just proposing a run of the mill 'Backstreet Boys' or 'N Sync but a true super group like English born 'East 17' or '5ive'.

But critics have been slow to back the concept and investors are cautious on the news with BP stock down 1.6% after the news reached Wall Street. "I think that many of us would have preferred a more traditional soft rock alternative such as "Coldplay" or maybe even something edgier like 'The Killers', said Oppenheimer fund manager Martin Stein. He continued, "I'm just not sure that a boy band will have the raw energy that is going to be needed to satisfy the energy needs of clean up crews as well as emotional understanding of suicidal housewife's who's husbands will now be sitting at home drinking for the next 10 years".

Car-Henric Svanberg, BP Chairman, offered further insight via BP's official website:

"The reality for the Gulf Region is that without our help the radio waves will be dominated by Country, Folk, and other depressive genres including Grunge and perhaps some sort of Disco Opera. The Gulf needs a Pop Rock band that it can trust and we are willing to make the investment in a group that can range from R&B to Power Pop and beyond".
BP contends that it carefully studied the effects of several types of music and can say with complete confidence that a boy band will win the hearts of the Gulf people who have long suffered under Jazz and Traditional Blues. A promotional ad featuring the fisherman below will air later this month, tryouts for the band will begin in the coming weeks at the Companies London headquarters.

The name 'Beyond 5' has already been floated and the group is expected to produce several top ten hits prior to one or more of the underpaid singers disbanding for a more lucrative solo career.

As to any unused funds from the escrow account; rumors have surfaced that a new fast food chain specializing in Cornish Pasty and Bedfordshire Clangers will replace many of the bankrupt restaurants overlooking the blackened beaches.

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