Saturday, August 7, 2010

Santa Clarita Student Turns 22 Despite Slow Economy

Changing Birth Certificate and Notifying Friends Just Too Difficult

Santa Clarita, CA (CHN) - Twenty-one year old Arielle Korn had a difficult choice to make this past week as her 22nd birthday approached, have her regularly scheduled birthday or postpone it for 6 months to a year until the economy turned around.

"Its primarily about the gifts," said a disgruntled Korn. "Ive been monitoring GDP pretty closely and I suspect that investment on birthday gifts for me will be down 6-8% year over year," she added.

Korn, who believes that the July jobs report came at the worst moment possible has been carefully monitoring her friends spending habits on Facebook and determined that she will likely get 14 confirmations, 8 no shows, and 277 maybes for her upcoming birthday dinner at The Claim Jumper. "People realize that I want to eat for free; with White House Economic Adviser Christina Romer resigning yesterday... well, lets just say that is not the sort of birthday spending confidence that you need going into my birthday dinner," says Korn.

Ms. Korn ran a cost analysis benefit equation of changing her birthday to January 15th but the uncertainties of a double dip recession has Oppenheimer Fund Manager Skip Froberg nervous. "The idea that corporate profits alone can carry us into an increase in consumer birthday spending confidence isn't supported with the data," revealed Froberg. "Until we get 2-3 solid job reports in a row, birthday spending for Kamikaze shots and custom cakes with clever genitalia frosting designs are going to be depressed for another 2-3 quarters at minimum," concluded Froberg.

Korn's mother indicated via email that changing her birthday would create confusion among relatives and could result in a clusterfuck of missed payouts from Grandma Bata. My best advice, sayed Korn's mom - "Find a sugar daddy, even if it's just a one nighter... have you met Seth Champi?"


tyler said...

solid logic.... i myself, have a "balloon payment" of birthday parties. and yes there will be a clown making balloon animals. you're welcome tall guy (you know who you are)

Tall Guy said...

Will be sure to be there.

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