Friday, November 18, 2011

Cod Liver Oil Enters Year 62 of Sales Slump

General Disappearance of 'Rickets' And Growing Respect For Children's Desires Seen As Key Factors

File Photo: Cod Liver Oil Bottle Filled With Urine
Nova Scotia, Canada (CHN) - It was once described as 'The Cure All of Cure All's', but the last six decades have been nothing but agony for North America's cod liver oil industry.

"I think it was Shakespeare that started that book 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times'... I have to tell you, it's been the worst of times for a really long time," said Niles Herring, fourth generation cod liver oil businessman.

"This industry was a gold mine," said Herring as he looked back on old family photos from the early 20th Century. 

In the company's heyday, prior to mid-century, Herring's family had 600 employees and four factories.  

"Now all that's left is the old fish gutting tables and a broken down 1961 Mack Delivery Van.  I should probably sell whats left for scrap, but I would have to share any proceeds with 28 extended family members that still hold shares in the company," says Herring. 
"All we had to do back then was put some black and white photos of kids drinking this stuff right next to the cigarette adds in Life Magazine; now the only advertising we do are free adds on Craigslist where we pretend to offer erotic Asian massage as a method to build credibility with new customers." - Niles Herring
But unlike many business's that have seen factories move abroad for cheap foreign labor or easier access to prostitutes; the cod liver oil industry seems to tell a much larger story about Western culture and it's many failures.

We used to force a spoonful down the throat of every child in the neighborhood," remembers Edna Cartwright, an 86 year old great grandmother of 9.  Mrs. Cartwright, like many of her 'Greatest Generation' counterparts handled child rearing 'a little bit different'.  "We gave em what was good for them," shouted Cartwright in a no-nonsense tone, "None of this sugar pop, video games, and a first blowjob by the age of 15".  

During Better Times, The Cod Liver Oil Industry Was The Primary Method Of Pissing Off Kids
Herring and his defunct family business seem to agree; "It's a change of culture and values," Herring continued, "Even with today's high levels of Mercury; kids should still have at least one spoonful of fish oil forced on them from each person over the age of 40".

When asked why he never entered the lucrative fish oil capsule business Herring seemed to accidentally spill coffee on his crotch and then ran out of the room.

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CHN said...

(CHN) - General Disappearance of 'Rickets' And Growing Respect For Children's Desires Seen As Key Factors

Joseph Biden said...

I used to love that stuff.

Jerry Sandusky said...

These kids today are so spoiled today, don't get me started.


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