Dolphin Intelligence Questioned After Failed Tracheotomy Operation On Snorkler

Botched Surgery Proves 'Less Than Satisfactory' Understanding Of The Otolaryngological Procedure

Marina Del Rey, CA (CHN) - A pod of 6 Pacific White-Sided Dolphins en-route from Alaska to Baja California may have given experts all the information they need regarding the decades long question surrounding the intelligence of dolphins. 

The scene played out right in front of local beach-goers Tom and Nancy McClellan who noticed a snorkler struggling to stay afloat after a rogue wave pushed him hard into the rocky surf and then pulled him offshore.  "We knew he was in trouble when we saw that wave coming in. He must have gone under for 30 seconds or so before those good for nothin' dolphins brought him to the surface and performed unsuccessful surgery on his windpipe".  

Developed Photos From The Divers Camera Likely 
Shows The 6 Dolphins That Set Back The Entire Species

In the end the McClellan's were right; the diver did not survive the multi-hour ordeal and now local residents have had to admit that dolphins (and sea mammals in general) may not be as 'smart' as once thought.  

Coast Guard Captain Monty Stern was on his break just South of Venice Beach when 2 of the dolphins approached from his starboard bow and frantically started performing flips and high pitched squeaks.  

File Photo From TV's Baywatch

"It was pretty annoying," recalls Stern who said "the fish kept swimming out and then back, back and forth like they really wanted me to follow them".  

Ninety minutes later Stern was one of the first to reach the injured diver after an additional dolphin and a Grey Whale pushed his 22' cruiser to within site of the accident victim. 

Preliminary autopsy reports show that the cause of death was trauma and a crushed larynx. The diver has not been identified at press time pending next-of-kin notification.  

The Los Angeles Coroners Office has confirmed that the dolphins tried to perform an emergency tracheotomy. "Honestly this is probably the worst thyroid cartilage incision I have seen in recent years," said Coroner Greg Faulk.  He continued, "Everything I see here confirms what witnesses on site viewed; a generally non-sterile procedure performed by poorly trained Cetacean's".

Successful Operation Requires Delicate Incisions And Fine Motor 
Skills According To Human Surgeons

"Suffice to say, we are disappointed and shocked,"  admitted Marine Biologist Herb Crooner.  While the dolphins did do some things right such as protecting the vocal folds and stabilizing the tracheal rings; the fact is humans have been able to perform this surgery for nearly 100 years and for almost 50 years without high incidence of infection.  "I guess some people might be happy to say that a fish is as smart as humans were in the year 1900, but I don't think that's going to get more people through the gates at SeaWorld".

But ten year old boogie border Skyler Crane disagreed.  "The dolphins tried really hard to save the man who couldn't talk".  "They swam to me and pushed me over to help, but I was kind of scared".  "One of the Dolphins pushed my board under the man to keep him up while the others opened his neck and put a piece of wood or a straw into his neck.  Right before the man stopped moving one of the dolphins pushed my hand to touch the man's hand and he squeezed it. Then the dolphins swam around us very slowly and then they swam away when the boat came".

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