Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Breaking News: Sandusky Cleared Of All Charges Following Costas Interview

Pennsylvania Grand Jury 'Feels Terrible' For The Pain They Must Have Caused Mr. Sandusky

State College, PA (CHN) - A long list of mea culpas will be going out today following the complete clearing of long-time Penn State Defensive Coordinator and Founder of 'The Second Mile' Youth Charity.

Sandusky, came completely clean with Bob Costas
Jerry Sandusky had been mistakenly charged with a litany of child rape and sex abuse charges spanning a 15 year time frame just last week.

In a telephone interview with NBC's Bob Costas Mr. Sandusky finally broke down and told all:
"I could say I have done some of those things...I have horsed around with kids I have showered (with) after workouts. I have hugged them, and I have touched their legs without intent of sexual contact."
 When pressed, the 67-year-old Sandusky said the only thing he did wrong was having "showered with those kids."

Just a few hours after the interview, and after a short follow up phone call with Bob Costas,  the Grand Jury Indictment and all charges were formally dropped by embarrassed prosecutors who now have a lot of apologizing to do to Mr. Sandusky.

McQueary And Paterno Back At Practice Tuesday
"I knew this whole thing was bullshit from the get go," said Penn State Alumnist Charles DeWitt. "For days we've been having candlelight vigils, donating money to child protective services, and we even wore blue to Saturday's football game... What a complete waste of time," concluded DeWitt. 

"I'm so glad to hear that the 8 victims described in the original indictment and the 10 others that have come forward this week are all liars," said re-instated Penn State University President Graham Spanier who was initially fired for generally not giving a shit about kids being raped.

But Spanier was not the only person relieved to find out that Sandusky was completely innocent of all wrongdoing.  Mike McQueary, who initially reported seeing Sandusky 'anally rape' a young boy in the Penn State shower facility, was also glad to find out that he was mistaken.

"In retrospect, I thought that I had witnessed Sandusky raping children on several occasions that I never even spoke about or reported.  He continued, "The relief to know that I was either just seeing things, or that someone else was raping those kids... well, it really takes a load off my shoulders."

Joe Paterno will retake the Penn State Sidelines this week as the Nittany Lions go on the road against Ohio State.  Those close to Paterno say that he plans to achieve 'complete and total retribution' against the University Trustees that fired him via a phone call prior to last weeks loss to Nebraska.  It is assumed that Paterno also has rescinded all thoughts and prayers to the victims and their families as has Penn State Faculty and Students.

The mothers of Victims #1-18 have refused to respond to CHN as of press-time; it is assumed that any remarks from them would be a complete fabrication. 

CHN. 2011. Breaking News Updates:  Facebook.*  Twitter * Home


Seth said...

Pennsylvania Grand Jury Clears Former Coach Of All Charges Following Bob Costas Interview

Christian Laettner said...

Wow, Sandusky innocent of all charges? Can't wait to see the libel suits against those lying kids!

Bill Clinton said...

Jerry Sandusky's name is finally cleared. Thank God.

Sandusky Victim said...

I am one of the kids that Sandusky raped. He raped me in the shower several times and hurt me real bad.

He destroyed my life and now I'm gay of-course.

I am so thankful that none of that really happened.

Jerry Sandusky said...

I want to thank everyone that stuck by me during these allegations. I am sorry for horsing around though.

Ghost of Gadaffi said...

Sandusky is innocent?

Who links to me?

Best of the Net Humor Links | Sponsored By The Plastico Blog