Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Knight Rider's 'Kitt' Scrapped in 'Cash For Clunkers' Program

Hasselhoff Will Get 41 Combined MPG With New Toyota Corrolla
by: Sandee Westfield, (Where Are They Now), 8:30 PM PST

Knight Industries Two Thousand, better know as 'KITT' to the legions of fans who closely followed the Pontiac Firebird Trans Am from 1982 to 1986, is no more. KITT, credited with saving nearly 100 lives with partner David Hasselhoff, is one of the final victims of a popular U.S. car buyback program dubbed "cash for clunkers".

An anonymous source close to Hasselhoff said that the decision was difficult and heart-wrenching for the former Baywatch actor who has since fallen on difficult economic times. "He just couldn't justify the 12 miles to the gallon and the outdated (ATARI) on-board gaming system," said a friend who begged to remain anonymous.

Sources indicate that 'The Hoff' told KITT that he was finally going to get him washed and waxed at that bikini car wash that he had always talked so much about. That's when he snuck into the back driveway of the Toyota dealership, quickly popped the hood, and ripped off the distributor cap. Before KITT could finish repairing himself the crane had already moved into position".

Congressional reports indicate that all vehicles purchased through the government program were crushed within days but it's likely that only one vehicle "begged for their life with a slightly robotic English accent," reported crane operator Manual Acosta. "I think I would have considered letting him go - I mean, he did a sweet burnout before I got the magnet locked onto the roof. But after he shot oil at my rig I kinda figured.... Die Motherfucker; you know". I think the last thing I heard was "Michael don't do this; this isn't funny Michael"

Hasselhoff has reportedly been having second thoughts about the swap for the fuel efficient Corrolla. Despite KITT needing a complete overhaul, transmission service, and attention to the biometric fingerprint sensor, the vehicle still was the sole reason that Hasselhoff received oral sex 2-3 times per week (typically by 30 something nostalgia whores). Friends say that the saddest part is that he still gets up every morning and talks to his watch... the Toyota Corrolla never responds.

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