Husband Duhamel Blames Alcoholism For Not Connecting Dots Sooner/Marrying Butterface .
Hollywood, CA (CHN): Los Angeles County Animal Control Chief Marcia Mayeda landed a big one this Sunday. Mayeda had been tracking Stacy Ferguson, aka 'Fergie', for 6 years at a cost of 8.2 million dollars to county taxpayers. The elusive Chupacabre (Spanish origin nickname meaning 'goat sucker') has been feared by farmers, children, and back up dancers for far too long according to Mayeda.
The daring capture of the bloodthirsty pop star should finally bring an 'end to nearly 20 years of maulings throughout Central and Latin America'. The attacks have reportedly claimed 1000's of farm animals ranging from turkeys in Texas to goats in Colombia and Puerto Rico.
The killing and mutilation of both domestic and wild fauna had puzzled biologists for decades.
Ferguson's husband, Josh Duhamel, admitted to TMZ that he was suspicious of "Fergie's late night disappearances and blood stained teeth... among other things." After visiting a caged and sedated Ferguson at the Baldwin Park Animal Control Shelter, Duhamel opened up to reporters admitting that: "It seemed like Fergie was always sort of a lone wolf; but I never realized that she was actually a literal lone wolf.
Rumors had swirled for years that Fergie was very likely the actual Chupacabra because of dental records and the fact that Ferguson checked herself into a treatment center for the ritualistic stalking and murder of warm blooded creatures by means of 'exsanguination' (death from bleeding out) . Remaining doubters have been directed by Animal Control to read the Wikipedia description of the murderous beast which makes the case against Fergie airtight:
"... a reptile-like being, appearing to have leathery or scaly greenish-gray skin and sharp spines or quills running down its back. This form stands approximately 3 to 4 feet high, and stands and hops in a similar fashion to a kangaroo. It is said to have a dog or panther-like nose and face, a forked tongue, and large fangs. It is said to hiss and screech when alarmed, as well as leave behind a sulfuric stench. When it screeches, some reports assert that the Chupacabra's eyes glow an unusual red which gives the witnesses nausea.
Animal Control Trapper Dave Negretti said that "given the description it was just a matter of time before we singled out and lured Fergie into a trap (set with live pigs and sheep) just outside of her Hollywood Hills home. After listening to her last album "The Dutchess" and reviewing upcoming tour dates...there really wasn't a moment to spare." Negretti believes that LA country taxpayers can "breath easier" knowing that the cost of bringing Fergie to justice "was a bargain when considering LA County's other investments in capturing Cryptids such as the Yeti, Bigfoot, and the Loch Ness Monster. Those hunts have yielded no return to date despite very promising leads at Queen Latifah's estate."
The Black Eyed Peas issued a group statement via Twitter: "Although we technically lose no talent following the loss of Fergie as a contributor, we realize that we will immediately need a blond with the qualified T & A to guarantee future pop success and the stereotypical racial balance that America demands."