Monday, April 19, 2010

Local Man Ready To Begin Farting Around New Girlfriend

Waiting Too Long Could Give Her A False Sense of Security Says Glendale Native

Azusa, CA (CHN)- Chase Daniels 36, has been on the dating scene since his 2nd divorce last July and over the past 9 months he has dated several women while working long hours at the West Covina Cemex Industrial Plant. "Southern California girls are different," explained Daniels to 22 year old cement mix engineer Michael Torres (and anyone else within earshot).

"Put them in their place early on and it is smooth sailing." He continued, "You wait too long for your first butt bark; well my friend, it just may be your last".

Daniels may not be classically educated in relationship counseling and has never completed any sort of academic evaluation of male/female behavior. Even so, he suggests that the best time for exposure to 'fanny tooting' is within the first two weeks of meeting a 'keeper'.

Experts generally agree that being yourself around your partner is an important achievement for all new couples.

"We find that men are often confused in regard to when they should take certain important steps" reported relationship guru Ralph Festerson. Festerson disclosed the following calendar to help men make the right moves at just the right time:

Date 1: Slight burp after dinner followed by "Pardon Me"
Date 2: Meet for drinks and ask if she has ever done anal
Date 3: Eat something that fell on the floor or that you found in the car
Date 4: Advise on upcoming football schedule
Date 5: Bite toe nails if applicable
Date 6: Discuss the pros and cons of lesbian porn
Date 7: Silent but deadlys all night, Pee in the sink, her place (bathroom only)
Date 11: Shitting with bathroom door ajar
Date 12: Revert back to three showers per week
Date 13: First audible ass-blast during sex
Date 14: Smell your fingers after you scratch your balls

Date 15: Make it clear that she needs to get and pay for breast implants
Date 16: Allow yourself to be seen picking your nose just moments after scratching balls
Date 17: Peeing in the sink (kitchen)
Date 20: Regular farting during sex, include 'death poots' and 'gurglers'
Date 22: Announce the cessation of foreplay because of a work injury
Date 23: Stop all exercise / discuss her moving in to help pay rent
Date 24: Conveniently leave out your old college shit bucket in the living room
Date 24: (later) Utilize shit bucket during a movie she picked out
Date 24: (moments later) Leverage no shit bucket if you pick out all movies
Date 27: Ask her what type of stuff she is interested in
Date 31: Slowly ease the shit bucket back into the living room (disguise with plant)
Date 33: Deliver Strawberry Shortcake, repeat as necessary
Date 34: Propose marriage while your fists are visibly clenched
Wedding night: Introduce her to that slut from high school that will do anybody

Festerson admits that some items on the list are not set in stone and may need to be adjusted forward or backward depending on how she is responding and what you have eaten for dinner. The short and skinny according to Festerson: "All in all
just remember to take one step at a time and install keyboard tracking software so that you can log in to her Facebook page; the little stuff will take care of itself".


b-hole said...

what does that graphic mean?

you dipshit said...

Its clearly an iphone ap that rates farts.

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