Biologist: 'Shark Attacks Increasingly Focused On Boogie Boarding Pussies'

Fatal Santa Barbara County Attack On Friday Confirms Trend

Santa Barbara,CA (CHN) - Although rare, White Shark attacks are often fatal and have been increasingly focused on 'chicken shit boogie boarders' according to marine expert Chris Fallows.  "These sharks are common on the Santa Barbara coastline this time of year and they often breed near the Channel Islands," say Fallows who has been studying shark behavior for over 20 years. 

Above:  Boogie Board Recovered From 
Friday's Fatal Attack On 'That Chump'

Fallows has observed that "over the past 10 years we have seen a rather persistent trend whereas these Great Whites seem to ignore bitchin long board cruisers and short board rippers.  Frankly, they are heading in closer to shore for bitch-ass boogie boarders". 

According to Fallows, boogie boarders are often younger and less skilled at legit surf activities.  They stay closer to shore because 'they can't handle the sick waves that challenge real surfers and often get right in the way of experienced surfers who are trying to carve up sweet sets'.

Fallow's friend and local surfing buddy Matt Boyd has been surfing from Lompoc to Ventura for about 15 years.  Boyd says that he has personally witnessed tons of large sharks along the coast. "I see them, they see me," said Boyd to CHN.  He continued, "The fact is that I tear shit up out there and they (sharks) know that I am a local.  These high school wimps and mamas boy college freshman come out here and pretty much serve as bait for sharks that like to eat fags.

Friday's attack is the 2nd shark death in the U.S. this year.  The other fatality occurred in February off the coast of Florida stemming from a Bull Shark bite.  The victim, 38 year old Stephen Schaefer was kite-surfing and was most likely making 'really retarded movements' according to Fallows who had not reviewed the incident officially.

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