LAX Unveils Nations Largest Mall Between Arrival Gates and Baggage Claim

Shopping and Soft Frozen Lemonade Tapped to Stem Passengers Anxiety
by: Tarren Aanika, CHN Travel Advisor. 4:40 PM PST.

The opportunity to take advantage of the country's slowest baggage service was finally realized by Los Angeles International Airport when it cut the ribbon on 3.2 miles of retail stores and fast food kiosks between arrival gates and the baggage claim. "We still have the same problem of just being really really... really slow and generally inept with the process of transferring luggage to the automatic conveyor belts" said LAX Board Member Rasheeda Brown as she surveyed the fruit toppings at one of the four Pink Berry's now open between terminals 3 and 5. "But hey, whats five more minutes when airline travelers get to enjoy a Chimichanga from El Cholo Express while they try to find a sign that might direct them towards their baggage and an eventual exit to the outside world."

A 2008 survey by Consumer Reports indicated that the average baggage transfer time at U.S. Airports stood at 16 minutes and that LAX baggage didn't reach passenger for an astounding 84 minutes. LAX Public Relations Adviser Herb Wennerstrom argues that the poll was flawed because the survey included the 6% of all passengers that gave up and left the claim area because they had a connecting flight or tight schedule. "If you are here for 70 or 80 minutes and can't wait just 20 to 30 more minutes for your luggage then good riddance; we didn't need your business anyway" reported Wennerstrom via the new Blackberry Storm that he was checking out over at the Verizon store near Gate 73c.

(L-R) Britney Spears, LAX Rep. Rasheeda Brown, and Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa turn on the lights to the 16 acre ice rink centered above the Alaska Airlines Express Check In Service. The rink will also double as the home floor for both the Lakers and Clippers who will play simultaneous home games as fans watch from the food court outside of Bloomingdales.

The mall's revenue is expected to help the airport deal with a slower economy and the high cost of Federal Security Requirements. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is expected to promote all Fridays and Sundays as "Shop at the Airport Day(s)". However, all Shoppers will be required to pass through the same federal security checkpoints as ticketed passengers who are waiting to depart. "It will be well worth the extra time; where else in LA can you find a Pizza Hut Express and a Tiffany's in the same building just 4 escalators and 1.6 miles apart? Beat that JFK!!!" boasted Villaraigosa as he finished massaging his elbows with a lotion sample from Victoria's Secret.

"When we see people hurry off the plane after landing at LAX we just kind of wink at each other and try to hold back the laughter" admitted certified union baggage handler Colton Stingly. Stingley added, "People think we work really slow; what they don't realize is that we bust our butts to look through people's shit and then rip apart the zippers so that it looks like it got trapped in some strange machine that mangles stuff."

The Comedy Hub Network (CHN)