Saturday, June 6, 2009

Justice Department: Pedophiles Given 'OK' to Focus Attention on Miley Cyrus

Seventeen Year Old Pop Star Loses Juvenile Status; Legal Protections
by: Kylee Strutt. CHN Hollywood Minute. 3:45 PST

A non-publicized release last week from the Department of Justice has caused concern from child welfare advocates who believe they have found an 'unusual and inappropriate' ruling that should be reversed. The decision, discovered through the 'Freedom of Information Act', forced spokespeople at the Justice Department to defend against a flurry of complaints.

At focus are official documents from the private meeting stating that the likelihood of a true pedophile being interested in or pursuing Miley
Cyrus was statistically impossible for the following reasons:
1. Lack of access to Miley
Cyrus by most sex criminals.
2. She could pass for 19 or 20 easy (not a Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen situation).
3. She has a knack to work her way out of any plot twist you can throw at her.

Critics of Miley Cyrus adulthood suggest there was never any reason for the department to have obtained detailed information of Cyrus' vehicles, home address, personal phone numbers and Facebook password .

Attorney General Eric Holder had little choice but to comment publicly on the documents that seem to have been sent and approved in total from his Washington D.C. email address.

"The departments finding is totally consistent with our commitment to focus attention on pedophiles who unequivocally target children that have the classic underage look. This is commonly accented by pig tails, school uniforms, and whatever else Abigail Breslin
from the movie Little Miss Sunshine might wear."

"In stark contrast we have concluded with certainty that Miley's
mature demeanor, Reddish Brown free flowing hair, pouty lips, and ample bosom are the makings of a strong empowered woman and not a 17 year old girl as her birth certificate alleges." stated Holder.

During a second round of Capitol Hill press inquiries Holder gave further insight:

"While we don't bring our personal lives to work I have to say that I did enjoy attending a recent concert that I took my 13 year old niece to. I saw no pervs at her performance or anywhere outside of her concert bus (where we had tried to grab a quick autograph). Everything was in good order with her security staff . We didn't get that autograph... I'm sure Miley has to decompress after a big show and probably take a bath or something. I just want to reiterate that I did not see any creepy pedophile types anywhere in the area"

Holder, who was running 20 minutes late for his scheduled testimony concerning the release of Guantanamo
Bay detainees, left Capitol Hill reporters with one last comment: "I just think that it's strange that the media is making such a big deal out of this opinion from our department... I mean we issue hundreds of opinions each week." He continued, "Don't get me wrong- she's a pure talent, I mean the lyrics to'fly on the wall' are just awesome and I hear that she wrote those herself." After a long awkward pause Holder closed his eyes, took a contemplative breath and began singing:

You'd love to know the things I do
When I'm with my friends and not with you
You always second guess, wonderin'

If there's other guys I'm flirtin'
You should know by now

If you were my boyfriend, I'd be true to you
If I make a promise, I'm comin
' through
Don't you wish that you could
See me every second of the day
That way you would have no doubt
That baby I would never change

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