by: Rachelle Vicente-Dias Comedy Hub Contributer 6:45 am EST
Wall Street had its hands full at the opening bell on Monday with the surprise news that General Motors (GM 11.90, -1.10, -8.5%) has reached an agreement to trade two of its iconic flagship brands for a Wyoming horse ranch.
The 7,200 acre ranch in Eastern Wyoming is home to 6,400 horses and 1,300 bighorn sheep. Former ranch owners Gene and Betty Hickins commented on their entry into the Auto Manufacturing, "Our family has never owned an auto company... so to get two of them for just one of our 12 ranches seemed like a reasonable deal" explained Gene.
General Motors CEO Richard Wagoner Jr. responded to shareholders concerns via a 10am webcast: "The day of the horseless carriage will be over soon and we are not going to miss the boat on this one", Wagoner continued, "We now admit that we ignored the trend when it came to the basic recognition of hybrid technology, reasonable fuel efficiency, and vehicles that offer some sort of reliable chance of running. That aside - we wont be left behind as Americans and the rest of the world take the next step to zero emission unlimited MPG animal transportation.
Talks fell apart on a separate deal with the Hickins to swap the entire Hummer line for 16 donkeys and the existing feed storage that held enough hay and oats for approximately 3 weeks.
Gene Hickins issued his first company directive for Pontiac and Buick employees just before noon: "Please dig up the plans for the 1969 Pontiac GTO JUDGE convertible... we are going to need to make 8 of them; the kids will be in early tomorrow to pick out colors and upholstery"
Speculation was all but confirmed that the Hickins family are likely to trade Buick to good friend Dale Goodwin in Florida for his 42' Sailboat equipped to handle 14 passengers. Mr. Goodwin has been looking for a good source on parts for his 1991 LeSabre.
The combined total 114,000 blue and white collar workers from the two slumping auto giants are unlikely to be fully employed during the completion of the 8 vehicles currently on the Hickins' build list. It is assumed that the bulk of the workers will soon be selling t-shirts on Ebay with the rest of America's unemployed.
Buick has been an iconic luxury brand since 1903, but became irrelevant once they stopped making vehicles that anyone under 85 years old would consider driving. Buick still remains a top seller for buyers age 100 and older with nearly 62% of the market share.
General Motors has also confirmed that Saab has been donated to the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army denies that claim.