Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Apple Execs: No Knowledge Of How Steve Jobs Uploaded His Soul Into iOS 6

Apple Founder Reportedly Mutated Into iCloud Shortly Before Death

Above, Steve Jobs shown in a creepy 2009 file photo
Palo Alto, CA (CHN) - According to the Santa Clara County Coroner's report Steve Jobs died on October 11th, 2011 from complications related to pancreatic cancer.  According to thousands of reports from the newly downloaded iOS 6 software users, Steve Jobs has manipulated the ascension of the human soul trajectory from Heaven (as we know it) to the Apple iCloud computing and storage system where he successfully transcended the former limits of human life function.  

Gizmodo's Harry Sawyers says that he "always believed it was a strange coincidence that the iCloud was introduced shortly after Job's passing".  Sawyers was compelled to admit, "I never could have guessed at the now presumed circumstances whereas Jobs faked his own death a few hours before his real death; doing so in order to have precisely enough time to digitally synchronize and upload his eternal soul to a cloud based omni-transponding worldwide network before his human based life ended."  

Jobs So-Called Final Resting Place Was Later Found To Be 
A Complicated Grid Of Brain Synthesizing And Upload Equipment

But not all Apple users are excited with the news that Jobs has begun showing up through different iOS medians in extremely integrated and personal ways.  University of Rutgers co-ed Sarah Vandalay reported one of many unusual connections with the previously deceased Jobs,  "So there I was having Facetime sex with my boyfriend and Steve Jobs face kept appearing over his face; I was freaked out man".  She adds, "It was nearly impossible to finish because he kept saying something about the 'NeXT Computer may have died but I never will'... it was creepy, super creepy". 

Apple developers have been privately struggling for months with unusual comments made by Siri; especially in regard to Apple Co-founder Steve Wozniak's back hair.  

"It's been frustrating", admitted 3rd year Apple software development manager Telfor Albaz.  "But it all makes sense now", says Albaz who shuffled several times in his seat before relenting that, "We really never figured out how we were going to replace the Google Maps Ap with our own 'vector based graphic system'. But we kept getting internal emails from people who didn't seem to work here that basically said 'Just fuck Google, fuck those copycat assholes and just delete their map system off people phones". 

As answers slowly come in as to how Mr. Jobs pulled off his human to digital transition, more questions have emerged as to just what Jobs has already done and what he might do.  An anonymous State Department official told CHN that "there are some things we can do to slow Jobs takeover of the earth and eventually the universe.  However, we have to be careful and very mindful that everything we say and do is heard and controlled by Mr. Jobs.  In fact, my voice on this phone call could be Steve using a simple voice synthesis driver that came free on the original iMac.  I'll just say this, The so-called 'Arab Spring'... that was Jobs.  

CHN.2012

2 comments:

CHN said...

Palo Alto, CA (CHN) - According to the Santa Clara County Coroner's report Steve Jobs died on October 11th, 2011 from complications related to pancreatic cancer. According to thousands of reports from the newly downloaded iOS 6 software users, Steve Jobs has manipulated the ascension of the human soul trajectory from Heaven (as we know it) to the Apple iCloud computing and storage system where he successfully transcended the former limits of human life function.

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