Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Obama, The Taste Of Blood Still Fresh In This Mouth, Slays 18,000 Mexican Drug Operatives

Southern Border Cleaned Up Overnight By 44th U.S. President

El Paso, TX (CHN) - Just four days after U.S. Navy SEALs brought Osama bin Laden, the FBI's most wanted man, to justice; President Barack Obama raised the bar by personally tracking down and systematically executing several thousand Mexican drug cartel leaders and subsidiaries along the U.S. - Mexican Border Tuesday Night. 

No civilians were harmed in the operation.

Following a pre-scheduled DNC fundraiser, Obama is said to have slipped quietly into the night without notifying secret service, wife Michele, or Mexican President Felipe Calderón in fear that the drug runners might be tipped off. 

Make-shift Morgues Have Been Established From 
Corpus Christi to Tijuana

Instead, the only warning that most had prior to death were the curdling death screams of those around them as the President rounded up the Mexicans via 22 remote control Abrams Tanks linked by guided tactical intelligence relays from unmanned drones synced to his blackberry.

The mission, planned on a cocktail napkin by the President during a long-winded speech by Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, marked the official end of multi-century lawless smuggling and human trafficking in the region.

The killings, merciless in nature,  are said to have been 'completed with his bare hands," according to sole survivor Manuel Espinoza, who was handcuffed to the decapitated bodies of his father and four brothers on top of a neatly stacked 2,500 ton cache of cocaine, crystal methamphetamine, and Viagra 20 miles south of Tucson, AZ.

The President, who clearly worked with speed and accuracy, did pause long enough to inscribe 'Please Process' (in blood) on Espinoza's forehead.

Obama is set to resume with the Official Schedule Wednesday, meeting the 2011 Woman's NCAA Champion Minnesota Duluth Ice Hockey Team on the White House lawn just after he is finished cleansing traces of the disemboweled bandits from his hands and shoes. 


CHN said...

U.S. Southern Border Cleaned Up Overnight By 44th U.S. President

Leon Panetta said...

Update to this story - There was no return fire, Obama crowded them all together and simply recited an ancient Kenyan Death Chant... they all died instantly. It was bloody though.

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