Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Queens, NY - St. John's University Athletic Director Chris Monasch was all smiles Thursday Morning after finally coming clean that he had not lost his mind and in fact had not actually hired Steve Lavin as head basketball coach. Lavin is widely known for dismantling one of the most prestigious basketball programs in the country and miraculously parleying his career into a multi year contract with ESPN.
"Luckily His tenure at UCLA only lasted 7 years" said legendary coach John Wooden. Lavin was known by the Bruin faithful as the anti-Wooden for his complete and utter disdain for the basic fundamentals such as blocking out, developing game-plans, and coaching.
"I have to admit that I shit my pants for a minute", said St. John's Junior Forward D.J. Kennedy. "I mean, seriously, it's not even an accidental diarrhea squirt, I literally took a full dump in my pants".
The total cost of the hoax including airfare, media accommodations, and hundreds of hired actors is estimated at $180,000.00. "A bargain," admits St. Johns President Donald Harrington. "This one will keep us all laughing for some time". Harrington also confirmed to CHN that part of the charade included the 3 year fake marriage to C-level actress Mary Ann Jarou. Jarou admitted that her part in the hoax was trying at times but "if you coulda seen the look on his face this morning".
St. John's is notorious for organizing large scale April Fools jokes. In 2008 a St. John's Professor began a rumor that 1/3 of the U.S. Strategic Oil Reserve was Molasses; just last year an alumnus convinced the NY Times that his local furniture store received over $40 billion in TARP funds. The school newspaper raised the bar with an unprecedented 'February Fools' new story earlier this year in which it was reported that President Obama had negotiated the Winter Olympics moved to Chicago.
Monday, March 29, 2010
NEW YORK, N.Y. (CHN) -- After years of keeping quiet about his personal life, pop star Ricky Martin has announced that he is gay.
"I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man," Ricky said in a message posted on his official Web site. "I am very blessed to be who I am."
Ricky said writing his memoir and thinking about his two twin sons led him to go public. The backlash from the Gay Community was almost instant-
"No self respecting gay man would ever turn out the type of pop trash that Ricky did," said Melissa Ethridge. "I know gay and this guy just doesn't have it" responded a disillusioned Greg Louganis.
By mid afternoon Congressman Barney Frank had already authored legislation denying sodomy to occur on or near Ricky Martin; the law would be the first new regulation on sodomy outside of Texas in nearly 75 years.
Martin offered the following argument to an unknown number of remaining fans:
"To keep living as I did up until today would be to indirectly diminish the glow that my kids where [sic] born with. Enough is enough. This has to change. This was not supposed to happen 5 or 10 years ago, it is supposed to happen now. Today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment," he wrote.
But 'Martin's moment' may have to wait. Hillary Clinton has challenged Martin to bring forward any evidence that he has ever seen or touched a naked man. After this morning's White House security briefing Clinton added, "Its time the gay community set some limits; the days where we are just happy to bring on all comers has passed; long passed".
"Lets put this controversy to rest before Martin steals another moment of America's time," said Clay Aiken. Aiken continued, "It's just obvious; I mean, Mr. Martin is a terrible dancer". Gay dancing critics say that Aiken, widely know as the gay communities worst dancer, would have been the first to benefit from Martins acceptance into the gay community.
Talk Show Lesbian 'Ellen' tells CHN that Aiken's honesty is just further evidence that Martin is just one of many failed pop stars who think that going gay could save their career. Rock Hudson, The entire Jackson family, Alf, and He-Man precede Martin's attempt according to Ellen.
Gay Republicans blame Martin's feeble attempt at homosexuality on President Obama's State of The Union request to end 'don't ask don't tell'. Illinois Congressman Bart Stupak has confirmed that he will support the dissolution of 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' if and only if the President issues an executive order banning Ricky Martin from pretending that he is gay.
As of press time neither Tom Cruise or John Travolta had returned CHN's request for comment.
Top 6 Replacement titles for this story:
5. Ricky Martin confuses Gay Community and local book club
4. Gays reject Ricky Martin request for 9th straight year
3. Ricky Martin: I just want to dance Gayer Than I Ever Did Before
2. Gays to Ricky Martin: We are not interested
1. 5-4 Vote Denies Ricky Martin Gay Request; Condi Rice is Swing Vote.
Friday, March 26, 2010
"It significantly reduces missiles and launchers," Obama told reporters at the White House. "It puts in place a strong and effective verification regime. It also maintains the flexibility that we need to protect and advance our national security against a multitude of modern threats including arrogant over-paid dipshits."
Information released by the White House says the new treaty limits both nations to "significantly fewer strategic arms within seven years" of its signing while virtually eliminating retarded bullshit in NBA locker rooms by 8 year veterans from The University of Arizona .
The treaty lays out a "verification regime" that includes on-site inspections, data exchanges and consistent intelligence recovery from Hoe Bags who may have an opportunity to examine Gilbert Arenas' possessions on road trips. The White House says this is just one of many examples of how the newly expanded Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, Fire Arms, & Hoe Bags has already begun to pay dividends to national security.
Obama said the agreement is part of the U.S. effort to "reset" the U.S. relationship with Russia while setting firm standards on just how God Damn ignorant a human is allowed to be in modern society .
President Obama, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, and Wizards trainer Brian Pullman said the changes will not limit the U.S. ability to protect itself and its allies but admits that it may hamper short term resolution to locker room disputes with Arenas.
The issue, according to arms control experts, was resolved by including non-binding language in the START treaty's preamble stating that there is a relationship between offensive and defensive weapons; however, the treaty itself deals only with limits on offensive weapons systems which allows complete coverage of Arenas who hasn't played defense since 2001 under College Coach Lute Olson. This resolution could help placate U.S. critics who want no link in the treaty between offensive and defensive weapons, arguing that it might be used to try to limit a U.S. missile-defense plan or ball hogging.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Washington- Nancy Pelosi and House Democrats are close to a historic Health Care vote that could impose the most sweeping Health legislation since Medicaid was introduced nearly 5 decades ago.
Soon taxpayers will focus on how Season 4 of the ABC drama (which original aired in the fall of 2006) will affect the proposed inclusions such as the so- called 'Cornhusker Kickback' and 'Louisiana Purchase'. GOP lawmakers wont make any promises according to Minority Whip Eric Cantor. Cantor suggests that backroom deals, such as the union buy-off, will be resolved at roughly the same rate as Meredith Grey's multi-episode near drowning incident.
Constitutional lawyer Edwin Vieira believes that passing the legislation could forever change romantic relationships in the medical community. "Frankly, we are talking about 1/6 of the romantic relations in the U.S., this is no cash for clunkers," warns Vieira. He continued,"The question is can we afford this level of drama to extend down to the 30 million Americans who currently can't afford medical romance and intrigue. How will this affect the plans of those that are happy with their existing medical romance".
The Republicans primary fear is that a controversial 'reconciliation' between Meredith Grey and Derek Shepherd (known as Dr. McDreamy by congressional staffers) could become law if they are kept out of the final legislative talks with Democrats. House Minority Leader John Boehner can't think of a worse choice for Meredith. Yet, Boehners aids have said privately that the November elections could give Republicans the votes they need to keep Meredith from sleeping with any and all selfish scumbags such as plastic surgeon Mark Sloan, whom Boehner believes is nothing but a 'selfish womanizer' that would be better served as a professional gigolo then a doctor.
Senator Jim Inhofe (Oklahoma) has already begun authoring a bill that would prohibit any further inter-racial relationships or ill-fated engagements for Cristina Yang. Inhofe guarantees that we will all be seeing a lot more of Ms. Yang in future episodes as long as he holds a chair position on the powerful Health and Human Services Committee.
All of this comes on the heels of the Republicans botched attempt to replace the 2008 Hate Crime Legislation with a three part series from CSI Miami that resulted in nearly 4 months of nonsensical testimony from Horatio Caine on just how exactly he fell in love with his brothers widow.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Pandora, Alpha Centauri (CHN): Jake Sully never would have guessed that just a year after accepting big bucks to provide some extra muscle for a mining company on Polyphemus' moon that he would be putting the final touches on a tell all book 'Avatar' and oh yeah btw, he is now a 10' tall dragon taming hero. Sully tells CHN that he is taking that and his presumed life long love affair with Na'vi Princess Neytiri all in stride.
"It's been a rollercoaster", said Sully as he looked back on how he gave his word to help kill and displace the blue sapient humaniods only to eventually provide for the killing and displacement of just some of them in addition to the unexpected killing of the humans that hired him. "What a ride!" shouted Sully, as he opened up on the details during a lengthy 162 minute story (that required two bathroom breaks) before completion. Jake described his transition from a stereotypical white Army Jar-head to the 'Awesomest member of the Na'vi tribe'. "These blue giants love me," boosts Sully.
"I almost gave into Colonel Miles Quaritch because he promised me my legs back," admitted the formerly paraplegic Sully. "The Colonel had no idea that the Na'vi offered me a giant blue body, a princess, delicious fruits, my own dragon thing, and what I'm hoping will soon be a full unobstructed view of Neytiri's nipples.
Critics have applauded Jake Sully's effort, but have taken Sully to task over his admittedly, 'complete and full desire' to get a 'good straight look at Neytiri's lung pillows'. Sully writes, "Often I found myself sort of noticing what I thought was areola out of the corner of my eye; I would quickly turn my head for a better look. Inevitably, it would always be too late or it was just that damn beaded body decor again. Believe me, I knew where those melon tips should have been and I kept trying to sneak a look without anyone noticing".
But was the titty taunting purposeful or just the coquettish way of the Na'vi? Sully admits that he really can't be sure even though he has asked the Tree of Voices many times about blue funbags in addition to other topics such as the elusive Na'vi g-spot and if any sort of contraception exists in their culture aside from the traditional pull-out method.
Sully offered us the following sneak peak into Avatar the book:
"In retrospect, maybe my constant infatuation with Neytiri's baby feeders were not the only factor that fell Hometree. I also spent a lot of time trying to figure out what the Na'vi female genitalia looked like and I guess I disappeared more than a few times to just get to know myself a little bit better. This whole thing may stem from my infatuation with the 1980's American Cartoon The Smurfs and my carnal desire to get just one peak at that little strumpet Smurfette.
Clearly as the plot unfolded around me I should have picked up on the obvious connection between today's search for the mineral (Unobtanium) and the plundering 150 years ago by Americans for oil that led them to destroy the pristine Muslim culture of the Middle East for no reason whatsoever. I mean, no reason other than retribution for George Bush knocking down two buildings in New York as a trick that he could blame on loving and defenseless Muslims.
But as time passes, I've learned to stop beating myself up for the fall of Hometree and to stop beating off to the thought of a clear sight line to those boob buttons.
In fact, who could have guessed that the hired guns from the RDA Corporation would want to knock over a gigantic tree that would then only be in their way as they tried to access and excavate the surrounding area for the valuable Unobtanium. Seems like they might have considered using a "slope mine" excavation technique just like Americans were using 200 years ago; it's more efficient and a good method to protect against environmental factors such as erosion and deforestation. It would have saved the RDA Corporation a ton of money that they spent on bombing and it would have left the tree in place for like... a cool tourist area or something.
I suppose I just should have known better. If a huge company led by white people is left to their own devices, the first thing they will seek is the destruction of native peoples, their religion, and culture (even if they have no profit motive to do so). But none of that matters now because I helped unite a coalition of the willing to repel the evil mining company henchmen. We even made sure to ship them all off of our planet forever; their kind just aint welcome here. On Pandora, it's go blue or go home.
Waterpark Provides Best Chance for Junior High Kid To See First Nip Slip
Sniper Instructor Reward Class With 'Boob Scope' Day
Friday, March 12, 2010
(Six Flags) Valencia, CA: Alf, best know for his starring role in the NBC reality show 'ALF' (1986-1990) has died following an incident on The Riddler's Revenge at the Los Angeles based Magic Mountain theme park. ALF, one of just a handful of survivors from the planet Melmac, has been on the run from the U.S. Army ever since his exploratory craft was forced down by mechanical failure. Luckily his spaceship crashed in a suburban middle-class Los Angeles neighborhood. He became a household name when NBC executives were tipped off about the incident and the generous support from the Tanner family. NBC rolled cameras for 4 seasons and green-lighted several dead in the water spin offs about the Alien Life Form's unusual antics.
Ride Engineer Terrence Spriggs discussed today's fatal incident with CHN, "He wasn't tall enough," Spriggs admitted. "He was under the line but I let him hop on just for a minute; I always tell everyone to hang on but I think he was high or something; might of slipped in soft-frozen lemonade".
The Los Angeles Deputy Coroner was called out to the scene but refused to remove the mangled corpse because 'the remains were not human'. Park Management believes that the furry carcass will likely be 'taken care of' by stray dogs who regularly breach the park fences searching for churros and barf '.
ALF has been far from public view over the past decade following a collection of failed projects such as the animated ALF Tales, ALF's Talk Show, and re-occurring appearances on Hollywood Squares. Sources say that the 4' tall Alien became infatuated with figure skating and trained for months in an attempt to make his own Olympic run. Rumors that ALF might land a spot on Season II of Dancing with The Stars fell flat when CBS announced that Lil' Romeo would take the final position instead.
A long court battle with The Animal Liberation Front (also known as ALF) is said to have drained most of his fortune. He contended until the very end that they were just after him because of his steady diet of cats.
His experience with space travel did lead to once promising negotiations for a joint venture with NASA in 2009. However, severe budget cutbacks to the program and the fact that the Army was still hot on his trail led to complete dissolution of any agreement late last year.
CHN attempted to contact former ALF co-star Max Wright (Mr. Tanner) for comment but he had his hands full with a crack pipe and was balls deep in some dude.
very few rights reserved. 2010.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Los Angeles, CA (CHN): He lives vicariously through himself, causes rainfall with his sadness, and keeps a telephone book around just so he can tear it in half; but none of this mattered early Monday morning when actor Jonathan Goldsmith was let go after Dos Equis executives learned that anal leakage had forced the 74 year old actor to begin using adult incontinence diapers on a daily basis.
Goldsmith, a lifelong bit actor, landed the Dos Equis Campaign in 2006 and “passed every physical evaluation necessary” according to agent Tom Rosenburg. The fuss began when a blogger from Encino, CA spotted Goldsmith buying an issue of ‘Home and Garden’ magazine, a carton of Virginia Slims, and two dozen Tranquility Brand “Premium Overnight Protective Underwear” in a Southern California Ralph’s Grocery Store. Mr. Rosenburg plans to file a wrongful termination suit stipulating that “no man should lose his job simply because liquid and solid waste dissipates uncontrollably from a bodily orifice." He added, “If such a standard were acceptable then how could anyone defend the hiring of Chris Harrison, host of ABC’s The Bachelor".
Dos Equis tried to dismiss the story as a hoax but soon realized that Jonathan Goldsmith was nothing more than a liability after parent company Heineken USA was served with a class action filing suggesting that ‘Dos Equis’ contained a type of barley long thought to increase estrogen levels and already proven as a non-reversible laxative by the FDA in 1984.
“It’s a sad day for beer drinkers across America” remarked 19 Year old College of The Canyons freshman Michael Ortiz as he sat clinging to an empty cardboard case of Dos Equis while patiently receiving a pedicure. “I don’t believe the accusations; what I do believe is that the man who is both right handed and left handed, whose blood smells like cologne, who once taught a German Shepherd to bark in Spanish is alive and well with a firm and capable sphincter … he's probably somewhere on an island that he discovered while fishing for sharks with his bare hands."
Fearing no fish since 1982*
*sharks, and ocean fish exempted
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The Comedy Hub Network Played an impressive and inconclusive role in Barack Obama's primary victory over Hillary Clinton and only we were there (or somewhere) during the inevitable drubbing of McCain/Palin... Lets take a look back at some special moments that we had here at CHN: (just click on the photo to read the full article)
Let's get started with one of our top traffic articles of all time; the concept was - since Hillary is a lesbo she therefore is supported by lesbos; therefore lesbos (especially bull dykes) will really hate Obama... and the Obama girl. We agree, this makes little sense but .....
When we published this one it was unclear if anyone in Palin's family was not pregnant...
This is one of the most confusing articles we have put out to date, so if you don't get it - whatev...
This next one requires some context - it was becoming painfully clear that Hillary was just not going to give up despite technically being out of the running. We thought it would be funny for her to claim victory after another useless primary win:
McCain and some Marine basketball players seem to have been on the same page here:
Still during the primary - Obama made a rather elongated trip to visit with starstruck fans in Europe:
Shortly after his historic election, non-conventional tactics carried the day:
And then bootygate happened:
Obama's early foreign policy choices might be just the stuff:
Chicago and Obama lost the bid to get the Summer 2016 Olympics, but the remarkable snow throughout the upper mid-west and the East made this a no brainer:
A few modifications to existing Fed agency's helped make America his own...
The State of the Union Speech opened the closet doors for this article:
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
by: Bill Simons, (CHN) Barcelona Games Bureau, 6:30 PM EST
U.S. Olympic Training Center, Denver, CO: Often called the greatest basketball team ever assembled the 1992 U.S. Olympic 'Dream Team' is about to shed one of it's 12 players amid growing concern over the teams depth and shot-blocking ability.
"I think we have had plenty of time to review the breadth of Christian's NBA career in addition to what he added to our 1992 gold medal run in Barcelona... I would classify those contributions as nauseating", said Co-Captain Larry Bird.
"He did an excellent job in practice of prepping David Robinson and Karl Malone for the type of slow, white, incapable defense that we would eventually see from Croatia and Lithuania - I mean it's kind of hard for Patrick Ewing to pretend he is Danko Cvjeticanin or Alvydas Pazdrazdis", informed Clyde Drexler.
"I've never heard of him", shrugged a confused Michael Jordan as he joined John Stockton for a pre-practice warm-up on the stationary bikes.
"The decision to shake up the team was a difficult one", said Lenny Wilkens, who was recently promoted to head coach of the 92' squad after the passing of Chuck Daly. "We did a secret ballot of all 19 members of the roster including coaches to see if we should go through with the tough decision of cutting Laettner". He continued, "The results were clear: 18 for removal and one vote for 'not sure'. We think the 'not sure' vote may have been Laettner". The vote came just days after the 94-95 Minnesota Timberwolves and the 99-00 Detroit Pistons waived the center; the 03-04 Washington Wizards have had Laettner stalled in arbitration for 7 seasons.
Laettner's .864 free throw percentage in 1997 with the Atlanta Hawks placed him in the top 20 of free throw shooters for that season; one small accomplishment to offset the torture he administered to home fans of the 6 teams he played for over 13 mediocre seasons .
Possible replacements for Laettner include Dominique Wilkins, Shawn Kemp, and a 9 year old Dwight Howard.
David Stern recently requested that all highlights and inspirational videos from the Barcelona games be modified so that Laettner's likeness is no longer associated with the team. NBA film editor Mark Warner said that "easiest job I ever had, I didn't have to change a thing".
Monday, March 1, 2010
For those who hate public schools CHN is The California Homeschooling Network
For investors, CHN is The China Fund
For goody-two-shoe folks, CHN is The Coalition For Human Needs
For really really bored Canadians, CHN is American College Hockey News
For dudes with Asian fetishes, CHN is a site dedicated for shipping Chinese chicks over to be your slave
So What exactly is The Comedy Hub Network and why is it one of fastest growing Comedy Blogs in America? CHN's talented staff of writers have been producing some of the best parody news on the Internet. Here are a few recent examples from 2010:
West Hollywood, CA- Ted Bell, owner of Cecconi's Italian Restaurant, was all smiles this morning after a conference call with his seafood distributor; his mood was a full 180 degree about face from his earlier reaction to the news that widespread devastation had hit the South American Country of Chile. "The fact is I had already inked a deal with the LA Times Online and The Plastico Blog to promote our Friday fish special, I mean you don't just pull a fish special during the middle of Lent" said Bell. "Try serving an Italian Catholic a Chicken Cacciatore this time of year and Dan Tana's [Restaurant] will knock us out of business in 3 months flat".
News of the Earthquake and it's massive devastation have been slow to arrive because of widespread power outages, impassible roads, and dead news people. Luckily for Cecconi's, none of that will slow incoming fish shipments because Chilean Sea Bass is readily available from the Southern Atlantic, Indian Ocean, and other Sub-Antarctic Islands. In fact, the commonly known 'Chilean Sea Bass' is actually the Patagonian Toothfish that can also be supplied through private fisheries. Suppliers have confirmed that as long as fishing equipment and boat keys can be confiscated from any/all dead Chilean fisherman then the supply should be safe in the foreseeable future.
"I'm not a fisherman or a fish scientist", admits Ted Bell. "It's my understanding that this type of fish has large teeth and it may in fact be able to feed on the rotting corpses of any persons that may have floated off after localized Tsunamis". Bell continued, "If indeed my theory is correct, these fish may come in larger and in good numbers over the next 3 weeks. The way I see it, it's a way for those of us so far away, who can't possibly help, to unite as one with the Chilean people. They will always be in our hearts and perhaps momentarily in our stomachs along with a Potato-Parsnip Brandade and Piquillo Pepper Saffron Sauce that will really pair up well with a mild Chianti".