Sunday, July 11, 2010

Open Letter to Fans from Cavs Owner Dan Gilbert

CHN has received the following draft of Dan Gilbert's letter with the actual wording he used while dictating notes to his secretary.

Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight; (Trying to score smack)

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier. (But if he changes his mind I would suck on his asshole every night forever.)

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment. (Which I prayed was to create the best moment ever for myself personally.)

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us. (I'm just a bitter person in general.)

The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you. (Even though I recently fired many of them.)

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you. (Too Science Fictiony? Should we delete that?)

You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal. (No Cleveland Nigger Slave does this to us and gets away with it.)

You have given so much and deserve so much more. (We charge $9 for $2 beer.)

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:


You can take it to the bank. (The bank of overly-fucked assholes, whereas Lebron James is the 'fucker' and the Cleveland clients are the 'fukees')

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels. (Why was he not considering my selfishness before his. Fuck this sucks for me.)

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there. (That SOB is going to score so much hot Miami ass... which is not like the cellulite ridden, unkempt Cleveland asses)

Sorry, but that's simply not how it works. (Fuck, that's exactly how it works)

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow-up to become. (Nigga Slaves)

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio. (That sounds really, really, really, stupid - should I leave that in?)

The self-declared former "King" will be taking the "curse" with him down south. And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma. (Doing "right" by Cleveland should herein refer to "whatever is in my self interest")

Just watch. (Please watch our team, I would hate for anyone to watch Miami who will be awesome)

Sleep well, Cleveland. (RIP)

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day.... (yet much colder and gloomier than Miami)

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only: (Trying to blame Lebron for everything bad that happens to me)

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue.... (At least one year ahead of the Clippers)

Dan Gilbert (Fuck my life)
Majority Owner (For the moment)
Cleveland Cavaliers (Shit Town Hoopsters For Life)

(CHN. 2010)
Wyoming Residents Please Add Sales Tax

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