Millions of Children Left Quarter-Less
by: Jonathan Livingston Espie-Segal, 4:15 PM PST
The so called 'Credit Crunch' is hitting closer and closer to home for children ages 5-8 who may now be forced to outsource their calcium rich teeth directly to buyers on the open market. The Security and Exchange Commission received notice early Monday that Ryan Seacrest, doing business as 'The Tooth Fairy', had filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy protection in a last ditch effort to stave off creditors.
Protracted legal battles in 32 states, mostly breaking and entering, have cut already razor-thin margins to the bone for the age-old 'teeth for cash' industry. Continued drops in construction and agriculture spending have caused calcium rich products like concrete, alloys, insecticides, and fertilizers to fall well below the all time 1945 lows that were reached after FDR asked the nations children to delay the growing of adult teeth until after the war had ended. The built up supply following the war resulted in a massive boon of baby teeth sending prices to record lows. One attempt to purge the extra supply came in September of 1945 with the first and last 'all tooth' ticker tape parade in Chicago which led to tiny bite marks on 1000's of returning soldiers.
More recently, Cheap Chinese imports and persistent competition from the French tooth mouse "La Petite Souris" have made the business completely unsustainable since the turn of the century. JP Morgan Chase sited those reasons among others when it denied Seacrest access to a credit line that would have kept quarters coming for the next 12 months. The loan denial marks the final straw for a business that survived a hostile takeover attempt from 'The Sandman' in Spring of 1982 and the brief but nearly catastrophic 1996 'Tooth and Mouth' Virus that led to a Japanese ban of U.S. Teeth exports for nearly 6 months.
"My swapping of coin for a little oral bone has come to a rather abrupt halt" wrote Seacrest, who took over the franchise from Michael Jackson in May of 2005 when Jackson moved to Bahrain for personal reasons. "Now I'm left to focus on the other half of my career which is primarily based on being the #1 media whore of all time. However, I must admit that sliding my hand under the heads of sleeping children with implied consent (millions of times per year) will be something that I will miss for all eternity. Rest assured, I will live for all eternity".
Seacrest's public statements have done little to rebut the decades long stereotype linking homosexuals and fairys (tooth or otherwise). Others have openly questioned his handling of the core business which seemed to suffer as Seacrest began to focus entirely on taking children's pocket change via text voting for American Idol.
"This whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth", lamented 7 year old Kenzi McGuire of St. Louis. "It's pretty much the taste you have when you can't afford to buy jolly ranchers or fun-dips".