88% of Facebook Relationship Status Updates End In 'It's Complicated' or 'Single'

Social Network Dissolution Rate Highest In NY; CA 

Palo Alto, CA (CHN) - Research Teams at Facebook Headquarters in California's Silicon Valley have released a stunning 6 year survey concluding that nearly all Facebook relationship status updates end in public embarrassment.  Early theories for the high relationship status casualty rate is that 99.3% of all men have no desire to be in a Facebook Relationship.

"One of the first images we had to create for our page coding was the broken heart," said longtime Facebook developer Peter Shultz.

File Photo: Broken Heart

Sarah Bennington, a former Michigan State student, has been in 7 Facebook status relationships.  For her, Facebook single has been rare and painful.  "I'm usually the one to request the relationship; it is soooo exciting for my friends to all see it," admitted the 29 year old real estate broker.  "I know that Mr. Facebook married status update guy is out there and I'm going to keep looking and requesting until I find him". 

While it remains unclear if Facebook itself causes relationships to fail it has been confirmed that the best way to 'bang that one slut from high school' is to friend request her and mention how you had been thinking about her for many years.

Other Findings Released Today by Facebook Status Update Researchers:

• The 12% of relationship status updates that do not end in relationship status breakups have been determined to be fake profiles or simply couples that died at sea.
• 'It's Complicated' is the preferred status change when both parties are cheating with married people.
• No person on Facebook should ever plan to run for political office.
• 100% of the advertisements on the side of the page indicating that 18 year old supermodels with giant breasts wanted to date regular guys is not based in fact

Some good news from the survey indicates that relationship status failure has slowed over the past 18 months.  Data indicates that the slow economy has made it more difficult for separated status couples to log in and publicly humiliate themselves at the end of a relationship as laptops and data plans have begun to play 2nd fiddle to canned foods and hooking.  

2010. Strategic, Trusted, No Swashbuckling.
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