Drastic Changes Planned For Angels This Spring...

LA Angels of Anaheim Eyeing new name for 2009

by: Mike Briano, 6:35 PM PST
Comedy Hub Sports Editor

Unsupported rumors have been swirling for months and now the news has finally gained substantiation that the LA Angels will likely change their name prior to the 2009 season. Disgruntled former first baseman Casey Kotchman disclosed the details to an Atlanta Constitution reporter this Tuesday.

The Angels have represented many geographic areas since their 1961 debut as the "Los Angeles Angels". In 1965 the Angels decided to represent the entire State of California and did so until Disney took control in 1997. Disney, desperate to break ground on a new city called "Anaheim", used the nickname "Anaheim Angels" to draw media attention to Orange County which would not gain national attention until the debut of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" nearly 10 years later.

The real change came in 2005 when owner Arte Moreno, a wealthy marketing guru, was able to parlay the old Anaheim Angels name into the "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim". This is the first known dual city team in any sport throughout human history; this is likely because it is impossible to represent two home cities unless your team is run by a marketing whore.

Moreno's newest scheme is far more ambitious. It is now confirmed that on opening day 2009 the Angels will take the field as the Brooklyn Angels of Los Angeles, making them the first bi-coastal sports team to ever take the diamond. An anonymous source within the Angels front office offered the following comment:

"Brooklyn has been clamoring for a baseball team since the Dodgers broke their heart in 1957; it's time that someone reaches out to them and their increasingly wealthy fan base; we have proven that we need no physical presence in a city whatsoever to draw on its rich baseball viewing resources"

In other team notes the Angels have retired the number of Orel Hershiser despite his never pitching an inning for the club; additionally they have named Sandy Koufax their favorite Jew baseball player of the 20th century.

Obama flashes Tits To Curry Favor At Pentagon Meet and Greet

Transition Meeting With Top Military Officials Ends in Truth or Dare Fiasco.
by: Kaylee Strut, Comedy Hub Political Analist. 6:15 PM EST

In what seemed to be standard procedure, President-Elect Barack Obama sat down with transition advisers, State Department Leaders, and numerous 4 Star Generals to discuss the possible surge of troops into Afghanistan rumored to begin just after the Inauguration. 

The three hour meeting was all but complete when Obama reportedly challenged Deputy Secretary John Negroponte and his staff to a game of 5 on 5 basketball. Negraponte is said to have promised to make the President Elect regret the offer according to an un-named source.

Although the two sides never took the court, the situation escalated rather quickly from basic verbal shit-talking into a literal 'pissing contest' with Under Secretary of Global Affairs Paula Dobriansky out-distancing VP elect Joe Biden 13 feet to 11.  CHN has been unable to confirm other allegations concerning challenges like: "oops the closet light went out" and "just the tip (to see how it feels)".

As promised, Obama (the losing team captain) complied with a truth or dare agreement by promptly shaving his chest and completing 4 sets x 25 fingertip push ups all the while chanting "Praise Alah". Finally, he fulfilled the dare by walking topless through the building lobby and out to the street where photographers had been called in to capture the historic/breasty moment .

At no time was Obama to remove his sunglasses or tuck in the drawstring on his shorts; both points of contention for the future Chief of Staff Rahm Emanual.

"I think we made some progress today" Negroponte told reporters after the urine, shaving cream, and KY jelly was cleaned from the 3rd floor meeting room outside of his office. "We found out what kind of nerve this guy has, so far I like how things feel... let's be honest this is mostly a 'feel' game when it's all said and done."

The Comedy Hub

Local Furniture Store Gets 46.2 Billion from TARP

Taxpayers Question Latest Bailout Target
by: Tab Wiggins, Comedy Hub Washington DC Burea
12-21-08 8:35 EST

Norfolk, VA based Sittybank "Love Seats n' Stools for Less" has announced the receipt
of over 46 billion dollars in Cash and loan guarantees that should help the single
location retailer brave the current downtrend in specialty seating and foot rests.

Owner Mitch Saderstrom announced news of the equity infusion via email to close friends and registered customers who are signed up to receive advance sale announcements prior to release in the 'Penny Saver'.

"We are pleased to report that Sittybank will continue to offer long term financing to qualified customers at competitive rates.... we also would like to announce that we are extending the 10% off all 3-piece sectionals through January. Lastly, we are making a tender offer to purchase General Electric the worlds 12th largest company according to Forbes Magazine."

Mr. Saderstrom, who purchased the store from his Father-In-Law in 1984, was having a tough go of it when he wrote a letter to Hank Paulson back in mid-November asking for help. "Our 3rd quarter was slow" he wrote via postcard to the Federal Reserve who later brought the case to the Treasury Department. "Probably about $7,500 less than last year." Saderstrom noted.

The Norfolk Gazette quoted Saderstrom just one day after the payout arrived, "I understand that taxpayers are torn as to whether or not the federal government should be helping out small east coast specialty retailers with an extensive history of tax fraud, but I have 6 employees and I need to make sure I can make payroll next Tuesday.... so, this was a no-brainer (to ask for the funds) and it seems that the Treasury Department felt the same way."

General Electric CEO Jeffrey Immelt has not publicly responded to the all cash buyout of GE but it is widely expected that he may try to incite a bidding war for the ailing global conglomerate between Sittybank and JP Morgann Asbestos Removal of Little Rock, Arkansas. Immelt, well known for his bargaining ability, is under heavy pressure from shareholders to take any deal above the company's current $17.21 share price. Saderstom says he is not concerned "If we can't swing the GE deal we may go ahead and just pick up the BIG 3; I took autoshop in high school so it could be a nice compliment to Sittybank's existing assets.

THE COMEDY HUB

Baby Seal Hunter Finds Dating Increasingly Difficult

by:Racquel Darian, Comedy Hub Editor
7:15 Am EST

Monty Wiggins, a 38 year old native of Edmonton, Canada, has found the dating scene to be less than satisfying over the past few years. "I'm not sure what exactly it takes these days to find the right person; but I sure as hell can't figure it out". Monty seemed to have little difficulty finding attractive, intelligent woman during college. "Girls liked my humor and generally thought that I was a good looking guy" relates Monty.

Everything did seem to be going smoothly until 2005 when Monty turned 35 years old. "I don't know what it is with that magic number 35 but women seemed to run from me once I hit that pivotal age," Monty told his sister during a recent phone call.

Early in 2005, Monty left his job as a commercial real estate broker and picked up work as a baby seal hunter.  Baby seal hunters can make a generous living and work just a small part of the year. "I took a new job that allowed me the time to start a family; wouldn't ya know it, now that I have the time, I can't seem to get to a third date with any woman in town".

Mr. Wiggins claims to have tried just about everything to impress women, "Just last week I prepared a romantic dinner at home for a girl I had met at the library. I spared no expense with the dinner itself, shark fin soup and veal parmigiana. She was the 'I don't eat dinner' type so I'm certain we had no future anyway".

Monty does have one strong theory to explain his dating trouble: "Ok, I do realize that there is a skeleton in the closet here.  I admit that I have a 6 year old daughter named Skyler. I showed a cute picture of her to a girl I had met back in March on 'take your daughter to work day'. We were both red with blood of course.  It was so adorable because Skyler was unable to kill the seals because of her obvious lack of strength.  She was able to help grab the injured cubs that were attempting to flee so that I could take another attempt at crushing their skulls.  It's just a shame that more woman are not open to meeting men with kids."

The Comedy Hub

Trans Fat Producers Fall On Tough Times

by Austin Kincaid 8:35 AM est.
Comedy Hub Food Expert

With the US economy stalled amid a housing crisis and record energy costs one small segment of the economy that has been well under the radar is suffering total devastation: The Trans Fat Producers of America (TFPA).

"Big media has been airing the plight of consumers and homeowners over the past year; I have yet to see one story about the total devastation to TFPA members" announced Chairwoman Veronica Knight at the annual fat, lard, and fat-lard hybrid expo in Birmingham, Alabama earlier this week.

Last month the Giampietro family joined legions of other small Midwest trans fat farmers and went belly up as demand for human killing food additives continued to slide.

Al Giampietro summed up his frustration in the current market; "the trans fat economy was strong through some of best times in American history; just look at the 1990's, we had a strong economy, relative peace in the world, and plenty of delicious trans fats in our snacks and processed foods". He continued, "This unfettered campaign against all that is good in the world must come to an end. Companies aren't just stopping their regular business with us but they also are working tirelessly to ruin the trans-fat economy by proudly stating that their product does not contain any tongue comforting trans-fat.

Doctors and Nutritionists have been arguing for years that trans fats are neither essential nor salubrious and, in fact, the consumption of trans fats increases one's risk of coronary heart disease by raising levels of "bad" LDL cholesterol and lowering levels of "good" HDL cholesterol. Health authorities worldwide recommend that consumption of trans fat be reduced to trace amounts.

But the few remaining members of the TFPA contend that trans fat is sure to follow the path of disco music which became wildly popular for a short time, made mainstream America nauseous, and finally reemerged 20 years later not unlike an acid flashback. "When consumers finally take this country back from the health nuts; we will be ready and well stocked to bring them the extra chemically enhanced fat that they crave" concluded Ms. Knight.

The Comedy Hub Network (CHN)

General Motors trades Buick, Pontiac for Wyoming Horse Ranch

by: Rachelle Vicente-Dias Comedy Hub Contributer 6:45 am EST

Wall Street had its hands full at the opening bell on Monday with the surprise news that General Motors (GM 11.90, -1.10, -8.5%) has reached an agreement to trade two of its iconic flagship brands for a Wyoming horse ranch.

The 7,200 acre ranch in Eastern Wyoming is home to 6,400 horses and 1,300 bighorn sheep. Former ranch owners Gene and Betty Hickins commented on their entry into the Auto Manufacturing, "Our family has never owned an auto company... so to get two of them for just one of our 12 ranches seemed like a reasonable deal" explained Gene.

General Motors CEO Richard Wagoner Jr. responded to shareholders concerns via a 10am webcast: "The day of the horseless carriage will be over soon and we are not going to miss the boat on this one", Wagoner continued, "We now admit that we ignored the trend when it came to the basic recognition of hybrid technology, reasonable fuel efficiency, and vehicles that offer some sort of reliable chance of running. That aside - we wont be left behind as Americans and the rest of the world take the next step to zero emission unlimited MPG animal transportation.

Talks fell apart on a separate deal with the Hickins to swap the entire Hummer line for 16 donkeys and the existing feed storage that held enough hay and oats for approximately 3 weeks.

Gene Hickins issued his first company directive for Pontiac and Buick employees just before noon: "Please dig up the plans for the 1969 Pontiac GTO JUDGE convertible... we are going to need to make 8 of them; the kids will be in early tomorrow to pick out colors and upholstery"

Speculation was all but confirmed that the Hickins family are likely to trade Buick to good friend Dale Goodwin in Florida for his 42' Sailboat equipped to handle 14 passengers. Mr. Goodwin has been looking for a good source on parts for his 1991 LeSabre.

The combined total 114,000 blue and white collar workers from the two slumping auto giants are unlikely to be fully employed during the completion of the 8 vehicles currently on the Hickins' build list. It is assumed that the bulk of the workers will soon be selling t-shirts on Ebay with the rest of America's unemployed.

Buick has been an iconic luxury brand since 1903, but became irrelevant once they stopped making vehicles that anyone under 85 years old would consider driving. Buick still remains a top seller for buyers age 100 and older with nearly 62% of the market share.

General Motors has also confirmed that Saab has been donated to the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army denies that claim.

*** The Comedy Hub Network ***

Latest Release / CHN Archives

Report: FBI still hasn't seen one dime from hat licensing

by: Trish Reegan, 12:50 pm EST
Washington DC Staffer

FBI director Robert Mueller was once again pressed by Congress after the agency reported it's yearly budget analysis. The 2007 budget was overspent by 322 million dollars leaving Mr. Mueller asking the House Appropriations Committee for a much larger budget allotment to get through the rest of 2008.

Mueller, appointed by President Bush in 2001, made several large licensing agreements shortly after taking the reigns at the Bureau. Most notable was the hat agreement that Mueller signed allowing the nations pipe shops, skateboarding stores, and mini marts to sell hats with the intimidating "FBI" official logo.

Director Mueller admits that nearly none of those trusted retail posts have sent in any of the revenue that the FBI was expecting from the deal. He added that the agency could be forced to begin selling some of its most guarded secrets on Ebay if Congress does not increase its 2008 budget.

"He Man" didn't seem funny when we were kids - but it is now

"He Man" is brought to you by the retards at www.Crackle.com. Crackle is a new video site that is now linked on the right side of the page here at the Comedy Hub (see Essential Link List). They seem to be specializing in having 'minisodes' of old TV shows. Pretty gay overall - but I am not aware of another site that has "Silver Spoons" and "Different Strokes".

From Crackle: He-Man: Diamond Ray of Disappearance

Report: 84% of Meter Maids were abused by Meter Maids as Children

Medical Professionals Uncertain That Cycle Can Be Broken


(CHN) Santa Monica, CA- The long term affects of child abuse have been debated for years with experts still unsure of how certain trauma will affect adolescents as they enter adulthood. Radio Host Dr. Drew is convinced that abusive behavior, both verbal and physical, during developmental years can create permanent long term affects. "Most often we see a cycle occur where the victims of abuse become predators of the same type of abuse later in life" argues Drew.

One segment of abuse that has remained in the shadows for years is the financial abuse upon middle and lower income families by traffic cops and meter maids. "We have never had so many traffic cops in the history or our city" said longtime LA resident Arielle Sanchez. "By my count roughly 1 out of every 7 cars on the road are involved in parking enforcement" she added.

Experts agree that a scourge of meter maids has settled in to many large U.S. cities causing havoc, hate, and financial hardship for families already stricken by a tough economy. "Our seminal fear appears to have been realized," reports Doug Hastings of the Parking Abuse Institute. "We see a staggering trend of abused vehicle owners simply giving up and becoming traffic cops.... the cycle of abuse is snowballing and by 2018 a full 65% of all U.S. workers will be traffic cops.

"Clearly no human with any sense of dignity, ethics, or faith in humanity would ever take a job as an agent of parking enforcement. The process requires an individual to be beaten into submission by a long trend of systemic abuse. People reach a breaking point and just give up on themselves and others... all that remains is hate," admits Hastings.

Other data from the report reveals that 72% of parking enforcement officials are registered as Nazi's, 82% hit their dogs regularly, and 98% engage in sadistic genital mutilation to their own bodies.

"The genital mutilation is the only positive finding; perhaps many of them will be unable to reproduce and we will stem the tide before human civilization is simply lost forever," concluded Hastings.

The Media has had little choice but to begin reporting on the abuse, please use caution when watching the following video; the traffic agent shown is a 52 year old female virgin who has suffered from both butterface and butterbody her whole life:

(CHN) The Comedy Hub Network. Fuck the PoPo
Original publish date 12/03/08 - updated 07/24/10

The Batman and Joker PSA series.

Its unclear if these were deleted scenes from the actual movie or just some spots that Heath and Christian did during off periods on the set. Although Heath is now gone, the lessons are (Batman) forever....

For the other 5 PSA's shoot over to FUNNY OR DIE right now

Iraq war Vet and Veterinarian tired of all the confusion

by: Al Claremont,
Comedy Hub Misc. Writer

Jada Perkins never thought her choice to leave her small animal practice in Pomona, CA would create so many awkward situations; but it did. After graduating from UC Davis Veterinary school in 2001 and starting her career as a Doctor of Veterinary Medicine, Jada felt compelled to do more than cut the balls off of Golden Retrievers and give unnecessary shots yearly to healthy animals. Little did she know how much she would later regret the decision to join the U.S. Army and to serve her country.

"I served for 6 years and was called to Iraq twice" Perkins recalls, "we accomplished a lot and it was a life changing experience; unfortunately I just didn't think the whole thing through.... at all". Perkins returned to her job in 2007 and has had nothing but uncomfortable conversations about her status as a war 'vet' ever since.

To make matters worse Jada's middle name is Vetonski, her Polish grandmothers name. "I think this whole 'Vet' confusion thing came to a head when I was invited to a football game at Veteran's Stadium in Philadelphia; during the pregame tailgate it was mentioned that I was a seasoned vet (in reference to my long held reputation of cooking baby back ribs).

"I was approached by an older gentleman who was a bit hard of hearing. He asked if I was 'the Vet' and the conversation took about 15 minutes just to explain my military status and profession. I still don't think he figured it out" admits Perkins, "but once I gave him some ribs he walked away".

The Army recalled Jada this past November to active duty therefore momentarily negating one of her 'vet' monikers. Sources close to Ms. Perkins say that she is now considering becoming a career military woman: "She just won't be able to bare being vetted once her contract expires; that alone will likely convince her to remain a Veteran of Veterinary services and simply leave it at that".

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Arrested Development - Free Clips, Episodes, and Download Options

Arrested Development
A great show screwed up by Fox's poor marketing and scheduling
11/02/2003 - 02/10/2006

If you never caught it you missed out. This is perhaps the best written comedy series ever, albeit short lived. While hard core fans clamor to bring it back you can watch the full 3 seasons for free (just continue in this article to the Hulu.com "Arrested Development" Link List). Facebook users can click here to join "Addicted to Arrested Development" (there are rumblings about a possible movie).

Arrested Development Download from ITUNES $21.99 per season
or $1.99 Per Episode

Best Value to buy:
Seasons 1-3 (The Complete Series) available from Amazon on DVD:
Arrested Development Seasons 1-3 DVD Set $45.60

Watch Full Length Episodes for free with very minimal bs adds at www.hulu.com...
Click here: List of Episodes - Arrested Development

Thank you for visiting the Comedy Hub Network

33% of U.S. Strategic Oil Reserve Found to be Simple Molasses.

by Adamay Brown, 8:35 est.
Comedy Hub Staff Editor

Early this morning word slowly leaked out that roughly one third of America's strategic oil reserve has been determined to be nothing more than delicious molasses.

The discovery follows weeks of complaints by Air Force General Teed Moseley that routine jet patrols in Iraq had been inexplicably slowing over the past 2 months. Moseley noted in his last report to the Defense Department that "Pilots have not only mentioned the sluggish and lethargic performance of the Jets; but also the savory mouth watering smell emanating from each and every ignition of the afterburners". 

When questioned about the report by members of the press the General likened the odor to his grandmothers cookies. However, upon further questioning he refused to disclose what type of cookies his grandmother had made while promising that no recipes survive.

Final confirmation of the mix up came as crew members aboard the USS Nimitz accidentally dumped the following ingredients into a 400 degree preheated hot engine oil vat for 18 minutes:

• 3000 cups bran
• 2600 eggs
• 3,100 cups yogurt
• 1300 cups raisins
• 2750 cups flour
• 14,000 teaspoons baking powder
• 5,200 "pinches" of refined sugar

The result was 28,000 tasty molasses bran muffins. But just as the 1,600 member crew began snacking on the muffin surprise, word was reaching Wall Street about the possible mix up.

The Snafu has now been traced back to a 1998 speaker phone conversation between Department of Energy Chief Sam Bodman and his secretary concerning the increased input to the Strategic Oil Reserve from 42,000 barrels to 70,000 barrels per day. During the phone call his request for light sweet Texas crude was mistakenly faxed out to Texas bakeries instead of the East Texas Oil Fields typically utilized to fill the reserve.

A one day chart of crude oil prices Friday confirms the sticky truth:

Inversely, the commodity price of Molasses has fallen precipitously:

The drop in crude reserves brought fresh clamoring for new oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve. Sierra Club representative Josh Kravitz admitted that drilling in the Arctic may be unavoidable but that there should be more than enough molasses reserves to prevent the Food and Drug Administration from extending the harvest season of wild molasses from the Caribbean. 

The heavily depleted Grand Teton "Chip" reserve has also been targetted for protection by environmentalists. However, industry experts say that drilling for molasses 'chips' is only profitable when the price per barrel surpasses $24.00.

Experts estimate that the surprise molasses supply should quench America's sweet tooth for at least the next 6,400 years but are quick to warn that "Peak Molasses" has already been reached and the quest for alternative sources should begin now.

CHN. 2008 

Onion.com: Obama's Gmail Account hacked....

(Click on the image to enlarge full size)

Chatsworth, CA: Train Crash Re-Enactment kills 21, injures 106

Officials defend todays investigative test crash that left riders angry, dead, or injured.

Chatsworth, CA:
Los Angeles County Investigators and Metrolink Engineers made additional progress Wednesday in an attempt to zero in on exactly what went wrong with Metrolink Train #111 and why it collided with a Union Pacific locomotive last Friday killing 25 and injuring 130. But the need for additional data collection was met with only modest approval by the families of those who perished in the un-announced test crash.

The surviving family members of the original crash had little sympathy for those lost in the re-enactment crash. "They better continue doing additional crash testing until every single kink is worked out of the system; then and only then can we claim progress on the safety of our trains" explained Martina Magdaleno, mother of 19 year old victim Aido Magdaleno.

Below: the re-enactment trains make their final full speed approach as NTSB
and Metrolink investigators wait patiently for the screams and carnage to unfold

Pictured below: Safety personnel make final wagers on casualties; other officials may

have stood too close to the re-enactment crash as visible in the picture taken just
prior to impact (below right). Six of the deaths from the re-enactment
crash were in fact safety officials.

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa defended the decision to run the crash test on the MetroLink line just hours after he boarded a separate train in Northridge to show residents that the trains were indeed safe and reliable. The Mayor responded:

"The only method I know of to fix our current system is to test it in real time, a dry run serves no purpose when so many lives are at stake. We are proud to report that casualties were down 20% across the board when compared to the original crash".

Critics warn that those statistics, while positive, are more indicative of fewer riders following last weeks disaster. "Some of the riders that would have been on the train for the re-enactment already died last week" reported Sol Rosenburg, an NTSB senior adviser. Rosenburg continued, "If the ridership had been equal in both the orginal crash and the planned test crash then perhaps the casualties would have been equal. We also know that it is too soon to draw any conclusions with the inadequate sample size of just two crashes".

Metrolink investigators presented the following drawing which details key
problems leading to both the original crash and also the re-enactment crash

Future investigative crashes are unlikely to be announced ahead of time according to the Mayor's office. "If you tell the kids that we are going to have a fire drill do you really think that they will react with the intensity and adrenaline needed to escape and outrun an actual fire? The answer is unequivocally no" responded a spokesman for Villaraigosa.

Manual Izturis, who lost his 23 year old sister in the original crash, spoke through an interpreter about losing his 52 year old father during today's test crash: "I know that my father did not die in vain; I also know that the victims in the next planned crash will have peace knowing that they died to find out how and why my father and sister died during previous crashes. I myself have thought about driving instead of using the Metro, but killing others with global warming wont bring back nobody."

Tina Fey = Sarah Palin.

Biden tells wheelchair bound state senator to stand up..

This could happen to anyone - but it requires us to laugh at that anyone:

Creed Clips from "The Office".

Will someone please make a longer version of this? Pretty please!!!

Creed Clips via Youtube.com is sponsored by The Plastico

Reunited Cat "Dixie" Promptly Runs Away From Home...

Wed Sep 10, 10:48 AM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - A couple has been reunited with their missing cat after nine years, the RSPCA said on Wednesday.

Dixie, a 15-year-old ginger cat, disappeared in 1999 and her owners thought she had been killed by a car.

She was found less than half a mile from her home in Birmingham after a concerned resident rang the animal charity to report a thin and dishevelled cat who had been in the area for a couple of months.

It seemed to be a fairy tale ending for both Dixie and owners until the unthinkable happened; Dixie has run away from home to join the circus.

After Dixie had returned last week the RSPCA Animal Collection Officer Alan Pittaway checked her microchip and confirmed it was Dixie. She was returned to her owners, Alan and Gilly Delaney, within half an hour. The Delaney family decided to go one step further and installed a GPS device just in case Dixie made another run for it.

"In 29 years of working for the RSPCA I have never seen anyone so excited and happy as Mrs. Delaney," Pittaway said. "It made my day to return Dixie to her owners." Pittaway continued, "That's why my heart broke when I was told that Dixie got the itch to run again - this time joining Barnum and Bailey's Traveling Circus".

"Dixie's personality, behavior, kitty mannerisms had not changed at all," said Gilly Delaney. "She just waited by the door all the time for a chance to run away; she would take brief breaks to piss and shit on our bed but aside from that she was always at the door."

The RSPCA hopes that the story will encourage owners to have their pets microchipped; but they also admit off the record that the GPS system may just add salt to the wounds of family's that are hated by their runaway animals.

Sarah Palin Gender Card (Jon Stewarts Most Viewed Clip Ever)

Love or hate Sarah Palin the folks over at Comedy Central did their homework on this weeks double talkers. So let's see what the media has said about the lipstick bulldog... brought to you by John Stewart and his trained team of media stalking monkeys:



Video Clip Tags: Karl Rove, Bill O'Reilly, Dick Morris, Sean Hannity

Palin's 4 Month Old Son Trig May Be Preggers

by: Joe Kucinich, 6:55 AM EST
Comedy Hub Election Staff

Questions continue to pile up at the McCain camp just days after the confirmation that VP pick Sarah Palin's 17 year old daughter Bristol is 5 months pregnant. Team Obama has called on the media and bloggers to respect the Palin's family privacy but that was prior to today's blockbuster revelation concerning 4 month old Trig Palin.

Rumors of the Trig Palin pregnancy began after a picture was analyzed by a blogger at the Daily Kos. The picture, originally released by the McCain campaign, appears to have been doctored to cover up the obvious "baby bump" on the 4 month old baby.

Trig, who has down syndrome, has not publicly responded to any of the rumors; nor has the young Casanova confirmed if he will keep the child. Trig is the youngest known male to become pregnant would easily become the youngest male or female human to deliver a live fetus should the pregnancy come to full term.

"At least Trig wont have to go it alone; his older sister Bristol will be going through the process and would give Trig some extra courage as he makes a final decision about his pregnancy," stated an anonymous rep from Planned Parenthood Alaska in a private release.

The agency also notes that, "the primary concern is that family pressure might force the youngster to keep the child even if his best judgment tells him to terminate the pregnancy.  Clearly Mrs. Palin's pro-life stance makes baby Trig's decision extremely complicated; that and the fact that Trig wont be able to speak for about 20 months".

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Shawn Johnson and Her Taco. You Can't Make This Up

You have to give the marketing team at Ortega some real credit for this:

McCain Selects Cute High School Chick For VP

by: Chesapeak Smith 2:35 PM EST
Comedy Hub Political Analist

Just hours after Barack Obama accepted his party's nomination in Denver's jam packed Invesco Field; John McCain has shocked the political world by asking 17 year old Sarah Palin to campaign with him until Barrack Obama becomes president next November.

Ms. Palin will have to miss Senior Prom while on the campaign trail; but admits that such a sacrifice is well worth it;

"I got a text on my Iphone during Algebra 2 and totally couldn't believe it" admits Palin; "I flicked my friend Skyler in the ear and whispered 'gramps picked me for VP... wooo hoooo'.

The celebration was short lived however, as course instructor Mr. Hargrove caught the girls talking and wrote them up.

Palin will join the campaign officially after serving (1) 45 minute detention. Republicans are betting that Palin's youth and bubbly personality will be a hit on the campaign trail.

In an email to the media McCain admitted that Palin has little experience outside of Junior Class Treasurer and no business in the Oval Office, but neither does Mr. Obama.

"Really I'm just trying to mock him; more importantly this girl is really cute and it's been a long campaign to say the least" concluded McCain.

Summer of Tears: "Teen Wolf". Lord have mercy this is funny

Spotted this as one of Will Ferrell's top picks over at Funny or Die. This has to be what video on the net was meant to be. Incredible.

This video is sponsored by The Plastico; It's a LA Joint

Clinton shocks on Convention Eve; Chooses Biden as her VP

by: Evan Lieberman; 4:00 AM EST
Comedy Hub Vice Presidential Liaison

Hillary Clinton made a surprise announcement early Monday morning and chose her Vice Presidential running mate at a time that few if any suspected. The announcement was made to a handful of supporters who accepted Clinton's 3:30 Am Skype call from her New York home.

Supporters say that Clinton's slurred speech and repetitive complaints that she was "so cold; who is monitoring the furnace" did not distract from her clear and direct message: Delaware Senator Joe Biden will be her choice for VP.

Biden, who accepted Barrack Obama's Vice Presidential request just this past Saturday may find himself in an excellent position to negotiate with John McCain for the third and final Vice Presidential opening. Although McCain has not officially tipped his hat as of yet, analysts have suggested in droves that a choice other than Biden will give him a competitive disadvantage over his Democratic rivals heading into the crucial national conventions.

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Just now from "The Plastico"

LA Angels of Anaheim Eyeing new name for 2009

by: Mike Briano, 6:35 PM PST
Plastico Sports Editor

Unsupported rumors have been swirling for months and now the news has finally gained substantiation that the LA Angels will likely change their name prior to the 2009 season. Disgruntled former first baseman Casey Kotchman disclosed the details to an Atlanta Constitution reporter this Tuesday.

The Angels have represented many geographic areas since their 1961 debut as the "Los Angeles Angels". In 1965 the Angels decided to represent the entire State of California and did so until Disney took control in 1997. Disney, desperate to break ground on a new city called "Anaheim", used the nickname "Anaheim Angels" to draw media attention to Orange County which would not gain national attention until the debut of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" nearly 10 years later.

The real change came in 2005 when owner Art Moreno, a wealthy marketing guru, was able to parlay the old Anaheim Angels name into the "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim". This is the first known dual city team in any sport throughout human history; this is likely because it is impossible to represent two home cities unless your team is run by a marketing whore.

Moreno's newest scheme is far more ambitious. It is now confirmed that on opening day 2009 the Angels will take the field as the Brooklyn Angels of Los Angeles, making them the first bi-coastal sports team to ever take the diamond. An anonymous source within the Angels front office offered the following comment:
"Brooklyn has been clamoring for a baseball team since the Dodgers broke their heart in 1957; it's time that someone reaches out to them and their increasingly wealthy fan base; we have proven that we need no physical presence in a city whatsoever to draw on its rich baseball viewing resources"

In other team notes the Angels have retired the number of Orel Hershiser despite his never pitching an inning for the club; additionally they have named Sandy Koufax their favorite Jew baseball player of the 20th century.

Article contributed from "The Plastico" an LA joint

Adult Film Industry Can't Ignore "Offshore Drilling" Cliche Opportunities

by: Adriana Lima 1:56pm EST
Comedy Hub Analist

With crude oil prices still near record highs the discussion about methods to increase domestic production have taken center stage both with Congressional lawmakers and hardcore porn producers.

"We haven't seen an opportunity like this since the Watergate Scandal that made 'deepthroat' a household name and sex act", noted Adam and Eve Director of Marketing Andrew Tindal. Tindal continued, "This news cycle could usher in a golden era for adult film if we can cash in on a plethora of new available cliches... we understand that future opportunities exist in solar and wind but in the short run it is oil that will keep our industry fucking at full capacity ".

Mr. Tindal is referring to the flood of available catchy titles that are being generated from the debate about re-opening America's coastal regions for offshore oil drilling. The first round of Oil/Porn collaborative discussions have netted the following titles:

ANWAR; the oral exploration for liquid energy
Untapped Reserve, Finding the Glory Hole.
Deepwater Drilling for Cash
The Gulf's Biggest Rig
Bangin Sheiks
Cleaning the Pipes; Maintenance on the High Seas
Shipping A Full Load; Destination Asia
The Barely Legal Viability of America's Shale Oil (soft core)
Crude, Black, Explosive Liquid; 'In your face'
Alternative Energy, One Man's Pursuit of Truth (Gay)

The Anal Seduction of T. Boone Pickins (Gay/Orgy)
Natural Gas; Harnessing The Cleveland Steamer
Lubricant Adventures

Executives at both Exxon and Chevron have said off the record that the Adult Film Title opportunities during the current oil crisis can't be ignored. Filming will likely shut down 15-20% of domestic oil operations in the Gulf of Mexico and perhaps up to 40% of the Rocky Mountain Shale production which has consumers angry in the short run and cautiously optimistic for next seasons adult releases.

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George Lucas taking "Clone Wars" Bluff All The Way To Theaters

by: H. Ford 6:35 am PST
Comedy Hub Intern

The Clone Wars are a series of fictional intragalactic battles in George Lucas's science fiction saga Star Wars that will be brought to theaters entirely because of a 2006 poker bet between George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. The "Clone Wars" conflict is first mentioned in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977) and has not been targeted for the big screen in the following 31 years for good reason.

A unnamed source, present during the poker game, describes the dialogue between the two entertainment moguls during the now infamous wager:

Spielberg: Ok beard boy, I think your bluffing again, I'm calling you on your BS.
Lucas: I'm from Modesto, CA.... we eat bullshit for breakfast there.
Spielberg: I'm aware of that and very tired of hearing about it.
Lucas: I'll Tell you what, you retarded little elf, lets go all in - my pilot is bored.
Spielberg: How does this sound... I win the hand and you have to send your botched "Clone Wars" video game to theaters - no improvements to it - just a video game quality movie.
Lucas: I could send a picture of me fucking ET to the theaters and make 500 million. You're on.

Spielberg's ten-three held up against the Lucas six-four hand sealing the deal for the approval of "Clone Wars". But assistants for George Lucas never thought he would go through with the bet; especially after viewing the third rate animation produced by out of work digital engineer Danny Stevens. Mr. Stevens, a former HR rep with Electronic Arts, had no real animation experience other than overhearing a few conversations related to the making of Madden NFL 2003.

But critics have universally applauded Lucas for his all out effort to comply with the poker bet which includes a fake website to promote the 'movie' and a 28 million dollar advertising campaign. A representative for Lucasfilm LTD admits that if the strategy works the average movie goer is "much much dumber than we ever could have imagined".

To further dilute the Lucas legacy there has been discussion that he will release a vhs copy of his attempt to beat the 1991 game "Zelda II: The Adventure of Link ". Lucas battles Link's enemies for approximately 3 hours before dieing at the hands of Ganon in the final screenshot.

Rumors have swirled for years that Spielberg went forward with Jurassic Park III (2001) only after losing a best 3 of 5 Rock-Paper-Scissors match to Lucas during a long night of drinking whiskey sours and a far-from-kosher bouillabaisse stew.

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The making of "Step Brothers" Video. 14:21

Will Farrell and John C. Reilly turn in a good 4 quarter performance. If you have not watched "Step Brothers" yet go ahead and watch this video anyway - it will only ruin the movie a little for you. (Not safe for work / language)

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Obama Surprise: I'm not coming back to America

by: Seth Champi , 11:33 AM PST
Comedy Hub Janitor

Barack Obama's World Tour continued Friday as he met with leaders and supporters in Paris during his rock-star-like extravaganza. During the trip Obama has famously played basketball with troops in Afghanistan, spoke to 100,000's in Germany, underscored his commitment to Israel, and now finally announced that he will not be returning to America as previously planned.

The news broke apparently as wife Michelle sent a text message to her mother reading simply "for the first time I'm proud of America; but Europe is better - it's FXXXing awesome out here - wont be back :}~me.... xoxo".

Hillary Clinton seized on the possible news that Obama may have to withdraw his presumptive DNC candidacy; but sources close to Obama are not worried and believe that Mr. Obama will be able to not only win the Presidency while on the beach in the French Riviera but will be able to handle the job as leader of the free world in between afternoon drives on the German autobahn and his newfound hobby of tasting Swiss chocolate.

DNC reps are scrambling to set up a satellite feed for the convention that will allow Obama to deliver his acceptance speech in Denver while enjoying the splendor of Italy's Amalfi Coast and perhaps a trip to the Blue Grotto; just a short boat ride from the island of Capri.

Other speculation that Obama may select UN Secretary General Kofi Annan as his Vice President have not been confirmed.

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Jack Nicholson Eyes Role Of Joker In Possible Batman Sequel

by: Miya Sakara 6:10 pm EST
Comedy Hub Hollywood Reporter

The breakthrough Batman film "Dark Knight" has packed theaters opening weekend across the country and already has broken the box office record previously set by "Spiderman 3". Critics have praised the performance of both Christian Bale and the late Heath Ledger. With the cash registers ringing at full speed executives at Warner Bros. are reportedly already considering a possible sequel to the Gotham thriller.

But just one problem, with the passing of Heath Ledger how could a second Batman feature film even be considered? Aging Laker fan Jack Nicholson is offering a solution: cast him as the next Joker. Sources close to Nicholson say that the idea is more than just another hangover induced rant following the Lakers loss in the finals to the Boston Celtics last month. Nicholson is so serious about a sequel to Batman that he hired a makeup artist and wardrobe designer to fit him for the role.


Studio exec's are listening but are divided about Nicholson's other request to replace Christian Bale with Micheal Keaten who has been retired since his 1986 lead role in "Gung Ho". Nicholson believes that the 1983 thriller "Mr. Mom" is evidence enough that Keaten has the courage and versatility to play the role of Gotham's savior. Other discussion of a possible role of Robin for Chris O'Donnell or a "Catwoman" spin off featuring Halle Berry are being called "absurd" and "Dead On Arrival" at the Warner Bros. Studio.

In related news California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been eyeing a possible return to the big screen and has been observed shopping his own action thriller entitled "Mr. Freeze". The film would center on his character, a brilliant scientist turned anti-global warming crusader caught in a love tryst with "Poison Ivy" a villainess commander of poisonous plants.

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Kansas and Nebraska Move Forward With Joint Secession plan

by: Jim Stuart 1:00pm EST
Midwest Correspondent

The United States of America lost two members Wednesday morning as Kansas and Nebraska shocked the Union with the announcement that they would jointly secede and become a sovereign nation. The move comes at a time when the remaining 48 states are ill prepared for the possibility of a military standoff against the newly formed two state alliance.

With heavy numbers of troops in Iraq and Afghanistan the President may not have the firepower he needs to wage a protracted civil war against the now sovereign nation of "Kansaska" (the name Nebrasas was dropped from contention because it sounded too stupid).

"We are not worried about the possibility of attack from other states, mostly because we are surrounded by a bunch of pussies like Missouri, South Dakota, and Oklahoma" admits newly sworn in President and former Topeka Mayor Bill Bunten.

Neither state has made national news since the Kansas-Nebraska Act of 1854 that essentially repealed the Missouri Compromise of 1820. "Our states proved during their infancy that we could work together and guess what - now we are all grows up and ready to rumble" reported Kansaska Military Czar Helen Hucklesmith, a former one star general in the U.S. Air Force.

Hucklesmith currently controls a combined National Guard troop level of 27,000 Air and Army Guardsmen not to mention many impressive alums of Nebraska Cornhusker football fame, certainly enough to make it a mid-level superpower in the North Central Midwest.


As Condaleeza Rice scrambled to put together a negotiation team to deal with the surprise rebellion a thesis was beginning to develop as to why the alliance was built and why secession was necessary.

Recently the Democratic National Committee picked Denver for the site of the 2008 national convention snubbing both Wichita and Omaha. The selection seemed to be the final straw for two states desperate to be noticed. "Our basketball team just pulled off an amazing comeback victory against Memphis this year; we sat and watched with mouths agape as the New York Giants won the Espy for best comeback victory.... what would your reaction be?" argued Jayhawk head coach Bill Self.

Although the national news networks have had no presence in either state for the past 200 years many Americans have flown over the area during travel between relevant states. Travelers are now reporting a possible troop build-up along the Iowa border. "We know they want access to the Mississippi River" reported Iowa Governor Chet Culver, "I don't think we can stop them" he added.

Should Kansaska gain control of the Mississippi they will usurp strategic control of the entire Midwest giving them the ability to stop goods in transit and the water itself between Canada and the Gulf of Mexico. Kansas State Professor Rajib Solomen has stated publicly that by stopping the flow of the Mississippi that they can drain the Gulf of Mexico in just 3 weeks. "They are essentially putting a noose around North America that could be impossible to release" announced Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper during an emergency cabinet meeting.

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Angels Pitcher Jared Weaver over-playing 1976 song "Dream Weaver"

by: Joe Torre 10:30 pm EST
Comedy Hub Sports Editor

When Gary Wright wrote the song "Dream Weaver" 32 years ago he may not have had unborn Jared Weaver in mind. That hasn't stopped Weaver, a 25 year old right handed pitcher, from playing the song immediately upon picking up dates in his 2007 Cadillac Escalade or in the dugout after the 3rd and 5th innings of each game he starts.

Jared's favorite line of the song according to utility man Maicer Izturis is:
"Ooh dream weaver, I believe you can get me through the night"

Jared's refusal to pitch during day games because of the obvious clash with the songs lyrics has been a concern for Angel's Manager Mike Scioscia. "Jared's relationship with the song can be an issue; for example he refuses to pitch from the stretch unless catcher Mike Napoli comes out to the mound and sings:
"I've just closed my eyes again, Climbed aboard the dream weaver train".

Scioscia continued "We would like to play backup catcher Jeff Mathis with Weaver on the mound, but Jeff can't hit the crescendo of the chorus line like Mike can; which means Weaver will refuse to throw his split finger when he is behind in the count.

Vladamir Guerrero had a rather candid response when asked about hearing the song regularly aboard the team plane, bus, dugout, meals, and every second in the locker room: "Malo, malo, malo, malo; Quiero muerte por el Dream Weaver y quiero muerte ahora mismo!"

Weaver himself had his headphones on and was unavailable for comment.

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