Spontaneous Orgasms Causing Public Safety Nightmare In Wisconsin

'Perfect Storm' Of Sports Victories To Blame

Badgers 'Gangbang' Tackling Style Only Worsened Crisis

Milwaukee, WI (CHN) -  Governor Scott Brown took to the airwaves for the 2nd time in the past 24 hours to urge residents across the state to keep transportation lines clear so that first responders could reach thousands of people injured or displaced by an onslaught of orgasms affecting nearly every citizen in 'America's Dairyland'. 

The orgasms, were thought to have peaked Saturday evening following the Wisconsin Badgers total dismantling of the rival Cornhuskers in front of a national tv audience.  "If anyone had blue balls after that game, well they just aren't human," said 3rd year pre-law student Sandee Westfield who found a front yard hose to wash off her feet and face after leaving Camp Randall Stadium. 

Accidents on Wisconsin highways and major cleanups at local sports bars made travel and food safety a challenge Saturday night but officials were optimistic that spent fans would stay home and rest Sunday.  

However, despite the numerous warnings to masturbate before Game 2 of the Brewers/Diamondback game it appears that the caution had little effect as massive and repetitive orgasms by both men and women triggered a hysteria of slip and falls and smoking incidents during the 5-run Brewer 6th inning Sunday afternoon.

Manager Ron Roenicke begged fans to remain calm in a postgame interview.  But after Roenicke watched a replay of Jonathan Lucroy's safety squeeze during the ESPN recap his only discernible on air comment to Suzy Kolber was "oh fuck....oh my God.... shit, oh, oh.  fuck". 

Just moments earlier, across the state in Green Bay fans were treated to an afternoon delight extraordinaire as the Super-Bowl defending Packers crushed the Broncos to remain undefeated. 

Aaron Rodgers Boyish Good Looks and 6 Touchdowns
Had Fans Dumping Viagara In The Gutters And Begging For Mercy

PA announcer Gary Kincaid urged Packer fans to think of nuns playing poker following the National Anthem.  However, the warning fell on deaf ears as the Green Bay Cheerleaders were nearly drowned following the 'pick-six' by Charles Woodsen at the end of the 1st quarter.

Women Statewide Are Said To Be 'Shaving' Like Bernie

"We never really thought that this could happen here," said State Health Official Robin Taylor.  She paused in confusion but later added "everyone around here is always so drunk, it just didn't seem like a realistic threat".

"I had no-idea I could squirt like that," admitted Brewer season ticket holder Samantha Miller. "I would have apologized to the guy in front of me, but he had already laid down on the concourse cement for a nap.

Middle school boys are not expected to return to class for several weeks.  State officials are promising delivery of  kleenex and high pressure sprayers by Tuesday.  Hardest hit are the elderly who 'just don't have the means or desire to clean up' according to sources.  

CHN. 2011. Breaking News Updates:  Facebook.*  Twitter * Home