U.S., Russia, Gilbert Arenas Reach Arms Deal

Washington (CHN) -- The United States, Russia, and Washington Wizards Guard Gilbert Arenas have reached "the most comprehensive arms control agreement in nearly two decades," President Obama announced Friday. The agreement cuts by about one-third "the nuclear weapons that the United States and Russia will deploy, while setting clear hand gun standards for fucking idiots" the President said.

"It significantly reduces missiles and launchers," Obama told reporters at the White House. "It puts in place a strong and effective verification regime. It also maintains the flexibility that we need to protect and advance our national security against a multitude of modern threats including arrogant over-paid dipshits."

Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev will sign the agreement April 8th in Prague, Arenas will supposedly author a twitter update signaling his compliance according to agent Dan Fegan.

Information released by the White House says the new treaty limits both nations to "significantly fewer strategic arms within seven years" of its signing while virtually eliminating retarded bullshit in NBA locker rooms by 8 year veterans from The University of Arizona .

The treaty lays out a "verification regime" that includes on-site inspections, data exchanges and consistent intelligence recovery from Hoe Bags who may have an opportunity to examine Gilbert Arenas' possessions on road trips. The White House says this is just one of many examples of how the newly expanded Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, Fire Arms, & Hoe Bags has already begun to pay dividends to national security.

Obama said the agreement is part of the U.S. effort to "reset" the U.S. relationship with Russia while setting firm standards on just how God Damn ignorant a human is allowed to be in modern society .

President Obama, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, and Wizards trainer Brian Pullman said the changes will not limit the U.S. ability to protect itself and its allies but admits that it may hamper short term resolution to locker room disputes with Arenas.

Russian officials at one point objected to the Obama administration's plans to build a missile-defense system in Eastern Europe. Specifically, they were angered by news leaks from Romania that it had agreed to allow missile interceptors to be installed in that country by former Romanian National Basketball Team member Constantin Popa.

The issue, according to arms control experts, was resolved by including non-binding language in the START treaty's preamble stating that there is a relationship between offensive and defensive weapons; however, the treaty itself deals only with limits on offensive weapons systems which allows complete coverage of Arenas who hasn't played defense since 2001 under College Coach Lute Olson. This resolution could help placate U.S. critics who want no link in the treaty between offensive and defensive weapons, arguing that it might be used to try to limit a U.S. missile-defense plan or ball hogging.

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