CHN: June 2009

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Waterpark Provides Likely Opportunity For 12 Year Old To See 1st 'Nip Slip'

Focus Will Center On Final Turn Of 'The Vortex" Thanks To Information From Jake Conners
by: Tarren Aanika, CHN SoCal Edition

San Dimas, CA (CHN): Jimmy Sayers woke up Saturday morning and jumped out of bed with excitement; today just might be 'The Day'. After all, it's summer break (FDR middle school let out on Friday) and the first item on the summer agenda is Raging Waters Adventure Park. Jimmy and close friend Martin Rivera will be getting a ride from Martin's mom for what should be a day they will never forget. A day, that if successful, will result in multiple bikini 'nip slips'; all within the carefully focused eyes of two 12 year old boys.

Jimmy spoke openly to CHN about his summer vacation plans, "It's been really hard because Martin already had his first nip slip three weeks ago at Jessica Davenport's birthday party... I guess Maria Ochoa jumped off the diving board and tried to do a swan dive" said Jimmy with a painful expression as he shook his head from side to side. He continued, "I couldn't make it because of a stupid soccer tournament." But Jimmy now has good reason to think that his time had come. "Martin and I were sitting behind 8th graders Jake Conners and Rudy Martinez in the cafeteria last Thursday, we heard a lot of suff." Jimmy paraphrased the conversation for CHN:

"You just don't see chicks' nipples by random chance; it's not that easy. You have to prepare and be ready. Everyone thinks the Flowrider 'Simulated Surf' machine is the best place, especially after Marty Booker said he saw four nip slips in just 42 minutes (One of them supposedly was Katie Perkins) but that's not the place to be; it's just not. Sure, bikini tops get jolted around on the Flowrider, but the girls expect it and always breach the surface of the water after already covering up and checking their tops. The Vortex, well that's another story. The final turn is a big surprise and all you want to do is pop up for air after you hit the landing tank; it can take up to a full second to check your suit after you get your balance. That's the spot, that's where we wait; we only leave to get corn dogs and churros. Marty Booker can have the Flowrider." -Jake Conners, 8th grader

"Raging Waters is a three park franchise in California" says Dale Freeport, 52 year old Raging Waters General Manager. "As to your question specifically, yeah it's a right of passage; that's pretty much why we're here" said Freeport. "I'll never forget my first; it was Sally Stromeyer at Wild Water Adventures in St. Louis. Let's just say that by the next summer I had a part time job at Wild Water and pretty much was hooked in this industry ever since. I moved to California in 1981 because Tommy Reynolds said he had never seen so many hot girls just waiting for their tops to be jerked free by a wave pool at 'Wild Rivers' down in Irvine. In regard to the Vortex; Yeah word is getting around. Frankly, I recommend coming back next summer when we re-open 'Neptune's Fury'. It's been upgraded to 36,000 gallons per minute of nip slipping water pressure. Just to be clear guys - I'm totally focused on the occasional MILF that comes through with her daughter, I'm no perv."

As of press time, Jimmy Sayers had not reported back in regard to any possible success at the Vortex landing pool. His mom says that after he got home he has pretty much been in his room and wont even come out for the Mac and Cheese she made for him.

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Monday, June 8, 2009

Schwarzenegger explores Non-Conventional Options To Close CA Budget

Protracted Budget Crisis Leaves Governor and State Legislature with Few Viable Options
by: Rachelle Vicente-Dias CHN Political Team. 3:45 PM PST

Sacramento, CA:
Following last months rejection of several revenue increasing ballot measures, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave his staff one clear goal: find ways to save the state money and fast.

CHN has obtained an email from an anonymous staffer who helped narrow the list down to the 20 proposals below that currently sit on the Governor's desk. Schwarzenegger has given fast track to the following:

1. Consider the offer by Long John Silver's to buy naming rights to the entire state for 16.5 million.
2. Tax Free Cigarettes to be sold to spotted owls in exchange for access to valuable old growth forests.
3. No cop Thursdays.
4. The four guys that stand around while one guy works on all California road and transportation projects will be cut to just four guys standing around.
5. Salary laden public school administrative jobs will be entirely eliminated; no change expected to test scores.
6. "Prevailing Wage" labor rates to be dropped from all State projects in favor of "whatever rate that Mexican will do it for".
7. San Diego beaches to be dug up and shipped to Missouri in exchange for "Show Me State" motto; expected revenue increases described as 'sentimental' .
8. Will temporarily allow USC football team to play in the NFL.
9. Asks California poultry farmers to look really, really hard for a 'golden goose'.
10. Yosemite National Park to be dynamited/burned (savings to budget still unclear)
11. Formal review to determine cost effectiveness of fire trucks vs. the 'bucket system'.
12. Find out what happened with that check that was supposed to come from the Nigerian Oil Minister's cousin.
13. Order Coast Guard to carefully search for additional islands... warns that he is already aware of Baja California.
14. Asks Cal Berkley economists to get him an honest assessment of the value of ocean water.
15. Announce a 2nd gold rush. Details TBA.
16. Remaster 'Conan The Barbarian' to Blu-Ray. Donate all proceeds to the ailing Department of Sanitation which has been over-run with discarded VHS, laser-disc, and DVDs from Schwarzenegger films for over 25 years.
17. DMV workers to write parking tickets during 'enhanced' 2 hour lunch break.
18. Post office employees encouraged to 'Give a Damn' (even though this is a federal obligation the staff felt it should be included).
19. Expand 'Gas Tax' to include farting.
20. Or forget ideas 1-19 and solve the states fiscal crisis by having the 600,000 incarcerated illegal immigrants replace the 600,000 non-incarcerated illegal immigrants who currently provide for the States Agricultural labor.

(Footnotes: If the public becomes angry, unveil the giant laser that we have been working on; everybody loves lasers)

Additionally, the governor and the state legislature have agreed that because the state is likely to begin defaulting on bond payments and therefore likely to go bankrupt by December that the "Golden State" moniker will have to be replaced with 'The Gold-ish Region South of Oregon but not necessarily Mexico".

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Saturday, June 6, 2009

Justice Department: Pedophiles Given 'OK' to Focus Attention on Miley Cyrus

Seventeen Year Old Pop Star Loses Juvenile Status; Legal Protections
by: Kylee Strutt. CHN Hollywood Minute. 3:45 PST

A non-publicized release last week from the Department of Justice has caused concern from child welfare advocates who believe they have found an 'unusual and inappropriate' ruling that should be reversed. The decision, discovered through the 'Freedom of Information Act', forced spokespeople at the Justice Department to defend against a flurry of complaints.

At focus are official documents from the private meeting stating that the likelihood of a true pedophile being interested in or pursuing Miley Cyrus was statistically impossible for the following reasons:
1. Lack of access to Miley Cyrus by most sex criminals.
2. She could pass for 19 or 20 easy (not a Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen situation).
3. She has a knack to work her way out of any plot twist you can throw at her.

Critics of Miley Cyrus adulthood suggest there was never any reason for the department to have obtained detailed information of Cyrus' vehicles, home address, personal phone numbers and Facebook password .

Attorney General Eric Holder had little choice but to comment publicly on the documents that seem to have been sent and approved in total from his Washington D.C. email address.

"The departments finding is totally consistent with our commitment to focus attention on pedophiles who unequivocally target children that have the classic underage look. This is commonly accented by pig tails, school uniforms, and whatever else Abigail Breslin from the movie Little Miss Sunshine might wear."

"In stark contrast we have concluded with certainty that Miley's mature demeanor, Reddish Brown free flowing hair, pouty lips, and ample bosom are the makings of a strong empowered woman and not a 17 year old girl as her birth certificate alleges." stated Holder.

During a second round of Capitol Hill press inquiries Holder gave further insight:

"While we don't bring our personal lives to work I have to say that I did enjoy attending a recent concert that I took my 13 year old niece to. I saw no pervs at her performance or anywhere outside of her concert bus (where we had tried to grab a quick autograph). Everything was in good order with her security staff . We didn't get that autograph... I'm sure Miley has to decompress after a big show and probably take a bath or something. I just want to reiterate that I did not see any creepy pedophile types anywhere in the area"

Holder, who was running 20 minutes late for his scheduled testimony concerning the release of Guantanamo Bay detainees, left Capitol Hill reporters with one last comment: "I just think that it's strange that the media is making such a big deal out of this opinion from our department... I mean we issue hundreds of opinions each week." He continued, "Don't get me wrong- she's a pure talent, I mean the lyrics to'fly on the wall' are just awesome and I hear that she wrote those herself." After a long awkward pause Holder closed his eyes, took a contemplative breath and began singing:

You'd love to know the things I do
When I'm with my friends and not with you
You always second guess, wonderin'
If there's other guys I'm flirtin' with
You should know by now

If you were my boyfriend, I'd be true to you
If I make a promise, I'm comin' through
Don't you wish that you could
See me every second of the day
That way you would have no doubt
That baby I would never change

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Wednesday, June 3, 2009

LAX Unveils Nations Largest Mall Between Arrival Gates and Baggage Claim

Shopping and Soft Frozen Lemonade Tapped to Stem Passengers Anxiety
by: Tarren Aanika, CHN Travel Advisor. 4:40 PM PST.

The opportunity to take advantage of the country's slowest baggage service was finally realized by Los Angeles International Airport when it cut the ribbon on 3.2 miles of retail stores and fast food kiosks between arrival gates and the baggage claim. "We still have the same problem of just being really really... really slow and generally inept with the process of transferring luggage to the automatic conveyor belts" said LAX Board Member Rasheeda Brown as she surveyed the fruit toppings at one of the four Pink Berry's now open between terminals 3 and 5. "But hey, whats five more minutes when airline travelers get to enjoy a Chimichanga from El Cholo Express while they try to find a sign that might direct them towards their baggage and an eventual exit to the outside world."

A 2008 survey by Consumer Reports indicated that the average baggage transfer time at U.S. Airports stood at 16 minutes and that LAX baggage didn't reach passenger for an astounding 84 minutes. LAX Public Relations Adviser Herb Wennerstrom argues that the poll was flawed because the survey included the 6% of all passengers that gave up and left the claim area because they had a connecting flight or tight schedule. "If you are here for 70 or 80 minutes and can't wait just 20 to 30 more minutes for your luggage then good riddance; we didn't need your business anyway" reported Wennerstrom via the new Blackberry Storm that he was checking out over at the Verizon store near Gate 73c.

(L-R) Britney Spears, LAX Rep. Rasheeda Brown, and Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa turn on the lights to the 16 acre ice rink centered above the Alaska Airlines Express Check In Service. The rink will also double as the home floor for both the Lakers and Clippers who will play simultaneous home games as fans watch from the food court outside of Bloomingdales.

The mall's revenue is expected to help the airport deal with a slower economy and the high cost of Federal Security Requirements. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is expected to promote all Fridays and Sundays as "Shop at the Airport Day(s)". However, all Shoppers will be required to pass through the same federal security checkpoints as ticketed passengers who are waiting to depart. "It will be well worth the extra time; where else in LA can you find a Pizza Hut Express and a Tiffany's in the same building just 4 escalators and 1.6 miles apart? Beat that JFK!!!" boasted Villaraigosa as he finished massaging his elbows with a lotion sample from Victoria's Secret.

"When we see people hurry off the plane after landing at LAX we just kind of wink at each other and try to hold back the laughter" admitted certified union baggage handler Colton Stingly. Stingley added, "People think we work really slow; what they don't realize is that we bust our butts to look through people's shit and then rip apart the zippers so that it looks like it got trapped in some strange machine that mangles stuff."

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