"I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it!"02
"Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it’s a bullshit replica, ’cause the dude didn’t even get his degree."03
"It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done, who knows?"04
"I saw a commercial on late night TV. It said, ’Forget everything you know about slipcovers.’ So I did, and it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were."05
"When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying: ’Here, you throw this away.’"06
"I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2,000 of something."
"I can’t get into flossing, I can’t. People who smoke say, ’You don’t know how hard it is to stop smoking.’ Yes I do. It’s as hard as it is to start flossing. ’You seem jittery.’ Yeah, I’m about to floss."
"I got into and argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up real quick?"
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an ’Escalator temporarily out of order’ sign, just ’Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.’"
"I would imagine if you understood Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
"...And then at the end of the letter I like to write PS - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
"My roommate says, ’I’m going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?’ It’s like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first."