Thursday, February 17, 2011

Giffords' Recovery Continues To Impress Doctors; Has First Sexual Encounter Since Shooting

Doctors Maintain Satisfaction With Pace of Recovery 

CHN File Footage of 2 people (above)
Houston, TX (CHN) - Just 20 Days After The Tucson Attack, Gabrielle Giffords continues to stay ahead of her recovery plan according to staff at Herman Medical Center in Houston.  

Since the January 8th attack, which left Giffords in a medically induced coma for several days, she has impressed nurses, doctors, and even Barack Obama who had the distinct honor of reporting that Giffords had opened her eyes for the first time just after his January 13th visit.  

Fast forward two weeks from the President's personal visit and another milestone has been achieved.  Ironically, it was Joe Biden who announced the achievement, after a 30 minute visit with a mostly lucid Giffords and husband Mark Kelly.  The Vice President confirmed that Giffords was able to have her first sexual encounter just moments after he left the rehabilitation center.  

Biden (left) Candidly Describes Giffords' 
Progress At a  Houston Warehouse To 36 Men
Giffords' nurse, Tracy Culbert, who has remained with with Congresswoman for the past 19 days, performed the stimulative procedure via a standard issue 'Jack Rabbit Vibrator'. 

CHN confirmed the breakthrough with husband Mark Kelley.  Kelley twittered the following to friends and family, "This is an important step for all of us ;)... Speaking for myself, I wish I could have participated in the treatment :\ ".
Trauma recovery staff were thrilled with Giffords' responsiveness and plan a fully penetrative procedure to coincide with the debut of MTV's Skins early next week.  

CHN 'Retraction'
A previous CHN report listed Giffords first sexual encounter since the shooting as having occurred with intern Daniel Hernandez (during finger penetration to Giffords skull for the purpose of pressuring the wound).  However, Prima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik has informed that the legal definition of a 'sexual encounter' requires that a person's 'original or birth orifices' to be penetrated. Daniel Hernandez did not return comment; however, despite Dupnik's clarification, Hernandez is still widely considered a hero. 


CHN said...

Houston, TX (CHN) Doctors Maintain Satisfaction With Pace of Recovery.

Rush Limbaugh said...

In regard to Giffords first sexual encounter since shooting with Hernandez - I would say, without question, that Hernandez swift appendage penetration absolutely counts as 'life saving sex'. This concept that sex has to be defined as penetration using or consisting of sexual organs is obscene and obsurd. Sorry Dupnik - you are wrong.

Hillary Clinton said...

Seems like Joe could have left his pants on during his chat at the warehouse. Or, I don't know... maybe he couldn't.

Joe Biden said...

Dear Hillary,
My pants were on - I was using my hips to simulate the humping motion. Once again, Thank you for the concern

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