David Stern Forced To Oblige Ancient NBA Bylaws For Unprecedented FittingLos Angeles (CHN) - Phil Jackson is charting a new course en route to a historic 11th championship. Currently, Jackson is tied in the NBA record books with Celtic Legend Red Auerbach with 10 Titles. The possibility of Jackson reaching #11 had NBA Commissioner David Stern in private meetings all week attempting to reconcile where exactly Jackson would be fitted for his 11th ring.
CHN has learned that NBA Bylaws (which are not public) have indeed accounted for the possibility of an 11th championship; Phil Jackson will be pre-measured for the first ever 'NBA Championship Cock Ring' later this week.
An anonymous source disclosed that Stern had made several attempts to amend the historic NBA script to allow for a bracelet or necklace to be used in place of the penile charm. However, several votes from owners and the players association have failed to reach the two-thirds majority needed for a rule change.
The cock ring requirement appears to stem all the way back to 1881 when Dr. James Naismith invented the game of basketball. At the time Naismith published the original '13 Rules of Basketball'; many of the concepts were based on the ancient Mayan game of 'pok-a-tok' and the Aztec 'Tchlatchli'. Years later when Naismith was consulted on the development of the first professional basketball league it appears that he may have simply glossed over unlikely scenarios (such as an 11th championship) by hastily copying the Jewish rules of Brit Milah involving circumcision.
Jackson will undergo a penile inspection and measurement this week according to Lakers Owner Jerry Buss. Sources indicate that the Bylaws will require Jackson to have a circumcision completed by a league approved Rabbi, even if he has already had one in the past. Once the Rabbi is finished the championship cock ring will be installed and allowed to heal permanently to the penis. Jackson's longtime girlfriend Jeanie Buss has requested that smooth gems be utilized instead of the 'less than pleasurable' previous 10 rings, of which require removal prior to fisting.
In an effort to get ahead of the news cycle, David Stern has pre-announced that a 12th NBA Championship Ring consists of a sapphire butt-plug. Magic Johnson was overheard at the news conference offering to help "anyway possible" should Jackson reach #12.
Arizona Teenager Cites Skeletal Face and Ravaged Vagina As Primary ConcernsTucson, AZ (CHN): As a child she grew up singing 'Like A Virgin' and 'Material Girl', but now 19 year old Kathryn Cross has changed her tune and has confirmed that for the very first time she no longer yearns to be America's Queen of pop music.
"I think that all young girls are dreamers; we all love a fairly tale and the concept of fame and glamor," said the recent East Point High School graduate. "I guess as I got older I sort of lost the inner desire to become one of histories most notorious hoe bags; all the while slipping into a cycle of religious confusion, anorexia, and kidnapping". Cross affirms that she's 'now thinking pharmacist'.
According to friends, Kathryn's Pre-Madonna status began to wane as she ritualistically counted the legions of men*(see footnote) who have annihilated Madonna's hump hole(s).
Now as a confirmed 'former Pre-Madonna', Ms. Cross has agreed to simply be satisfied with a future of sex on the 3rd date resulting in a series of multi-year dysfunctional relationships prior to pussy whipping a guy (with a job) into marital submission by age 29.
Un-named sources say that goals of being a neighborhood MILF later in life are just a pipe-dream when considering her mothers chicken neck and varicose veins.
*Dennis Rodman, Susan Seidelman, Jim Goddard, Charles Barkley, Jose Canseco, James Soley, Brian Shaw, Geraldo, Sean Penn, Guy Ritchie, Howard Bookner, Warren G, Penny Marshall, Uli Edeo, Able Ferrara,Wilt Chamberlain, Stephen Bray, JFK Jr., Jean-Michel Basquiat, Lenny Kravitz, Will and Grace, David Letterman, Benicio Del Toro, Jason Statham, Alan Parker, Elizabeth Taylor, Antonio Banderas, Spike Lee, Aiden Quinn, Mark Kamis, Sally Jesse Raphael, Don Mattingly, LL Cool J, Stephen Jon Lewicki, Harold Becker, Jellybean Benitez, Warren Beatty, Dario Casalini, Tony Ward, Tony Bennet, John Enos III, Arsenio Hall, Jamie Jungers, Rosie O'Donnell, Geena Davis, Sandra Bernhard, Carlos Leon, Bel Biv Devoe, Harvey Keitel, William 'The Refrigerator' Perry, Ted Dansen, Kenny Rogers, David Duke, John Schlesinger, Christian Laettner, David Blaine, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Al Pacino, Vanilla Ice, 1999 Chicago Bulls, Carlos Leon, ALF, A-Rod, Tom Brokaw, Viewers of Evita, Six People Who Know Kevin Bacon, Several men in the Erotica Music Video, Greta Garbo and Monroe, Deitrich and DiMaggio, Marlon Brando, Jimmy Dean, Grace Kelly, Harlow, Jean-Picture of a beauty queen, Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, dance on air, They had style, they had grace, Rita Hayworth gave good face, Lauren, Katherine, Lana too, Bette Davis, we love you, Ladies with an attitude, Fellows that were in the mood... (list heavily truncated due to CHN server limitations)
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An anonymous source disclosed that Stern had made several attempts to amend the historic NBA script to allow for a bracelet or necklace to be used in place of the penile charm. However, several votes from owners and the players association have failed to reach the two-thirds majority needed for a rule change.
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