Group Hopes that Swine Flu Will Kind of Continue for A While Longer...by: Tarren Aanika, CHN Contributer, 6:00 PM ESTDaniel Goodwin seems like an average guy in an average town; he sells lawn furniture during the week and prefers to read a good book while lounging with his cat Mr. Snugglemuffins on the weekend. All-in-all a pretty normal lifestyle other than the fact that he has an all-encompassing and life-long fetish for surgical masks and the people that wear them.
"It's embarrassing" Daniel wrote to a new friend that he met through a Facebook group entitled: 'I have a surgical mask fetish and so I joined this Facebook Group'. "I have seven different dentists just so I can go bi-monthly without any of them thinking I'm some kind of freak... but I am a freak".
CHN convinced Mr. Goodwin to relate his experience via an informal Q and A session:
Q. The SARS outbreak in 2003 was similar to what we are seeing now from the Swine Flu; how does it compare from a fetish perspective?
A. Sars was more of an Asian Surgical Mask Fetish thing. That's like saying just because you like big boobs that you are attracted to old saggy boobs with stretch marks all over them. Unless you are a saggy-stretchy-old boob fetish person then you wouldn't jump at the chance to see such a thing.
Q. How do you and your group members indulge yourselves during non-epidemic periods or most of the time?
A. Many of our members go to medical equipment trade shows just to get a quick fix. Overall it's a difficult fetish to have; the porn industry services other fetishes quite well; whether it be foot, milf, or mature pregnant Latina. We are literally left out in the cold, mask-less... with cold faces and cold dry tongues that need some extra protection and warmth.
Q. Don't you feel guilty for taking pleasure in a health scare that could affect thousands and thousands of victims?
A. Nothing is all good or all bad; I believe Yoda taught us that. So when you hear people complaining about pandemics with 1,000,000's of casualties possible, just remember - every dog has his day; I'm that dog and it's today. The exciting part is that it spreads to new areas and creates mass hysteria. That is part of the fetish, the hysteria... but mostly it's the age old surgical mask question: 'Who's behind that mask and what might their mouth look like; I mean - what is the exact distance between their mouth and nose for example" said Goodwin deep in thought with eyes closed.
Millions of Children Left Quarter-Lessby: Jonathan Livingston Espie-Segal, 4:15 PM PSTThe so called 'Credit Crunch' is hitting closer and closer to home for children ages 5-8 who may now be forced to outsource their calcium rich teeth directly to buyers on the open market. The Security and Exchange Commission received notice early Monday that Ryan Seacrest, doing business as 'The Tooth Fairy', had filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy protection in a last ditch effort to stave off creditors.
Protracted legal battles in 32 states, mostly breaking and entering, have cut already razor-thin margins to the bone for the age-old 'teeth for cash' industry. Continued drops in construction and agriculture spending have caused calcium rich products like concrete, alloys, insecticides, and fertilizers to fall well below the all time 1945 lows that were reached after FDR asked the nations children to delay the growing of adult teeth until after the war had ended. The built up supply following the war resulted in a massive boon of baby teeth sending prices to record lows. One attempt to purge the extra supply came in September of 1945 with the first and last 'all tooth' ticker tape parade in Chicago which led to tiny bite marks on 1000's of returning soldiers.
More recently, Cheap Chinese imports and persistent competition from the French tooth mouse "La Petite Souris" have made the business completely unsustainable since the turn of the century. JP Morgan Chase sited those reasons among others when it denied Seacrest access to a credit line that would have kept quarters coming for the next 12 months. The loan denial marks the final straw for a business that survived a hostile takeover attempt from 'The Sandman' in Spring of 1982 and the brief but nearly catastrophic 1996 'Tooth and Mouth' Virus that led to a Japanese ban of U.S. Teeth exports for nearly 6 months.
"My swapping of coin for a little oral bone has come to a rather abrupt halt" wrote Seacrest, who took over the franchise from Michael Jackson in May of 2005 when Jackson moved to Bahrain for personal reasons. "Now I'm left to focus on the other half of my career which is primarily based on being the #1 media whore of all time. However, I must admit that sliding my hand under the heads of sleeping children with implied consent (millions of times per year) will be something that I will miss for all eternity. Rest assured, I will live for all eternity".
Seacrest's public statements have done little to rebut the decades long stereotype linking homosexuals and fairys (tooth or otherwise). Others have openly questioned his handling of the core business which seemed to suffer as Seacrest began to focus entirely on taking children's pocket change via text voting for American Idol.
"This whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth", lamented 7 year old Kenzi McGuire of St. Louis. "It's pretty much the taste you have when you can't afford to buy jolly ranchers or fun-dips".
New Alliance Will Forever Change Travel In AmericaChicago (CHN): Greyhound Bus Lines has signed a 10 year agreement with America's most miserable Airline in hopes of securing a near total monopoly in the torture/travel segment. "It's a niche industry, probably not for everyone" admitted Greyhound CEO Dave Leach. "We focus our marketing on the vehicle impaired, those with no desire to travel at reasonable speed, and recently released convicted felons".
The business model was a clear match for United Airlines who released the following statement via PR Newswire:
"We have been fascinated by Greyhounds business model for years, clearly nobody has ever enjoyed a trip on a Greyhound Bus, to a Greyhound Station, or the experience of cleaning the gum and urine off their clothes when completing a trip. Yet somehow they keep those buses full of angry travelers every day".
-United Airlines President Glenn F. Tilton
United Airlines specializes in pushing their customers to the edge of human sanity by bumping confirmed ticket holders and overbooking flights often by over 20%. "I get asked all the time why we overbook the flights by such a high margin" remarked Tilton. "That's a trade secret but I'll give you a hint: We hate our customers and sort of don't give a fuck".
Greyhound is expected to replace United's local value service dubbed "Ted" which folded in early 2009 because of 'high fuel costs'. Tilton told UAL board members that "If all goes well you will see Greyhound buses at every major airport that we service; the expected increase in suicides by our customers should make our current overbooking percentage right on the money, so were are going to the raise the stakes and just double book every seat we sell" concluded Tilton.
Greyhound has been spurred on by low cost travelers who are not concerned with Swine Flu contraction, smells, or personal comfort. A nationwide Media blitz set to run next week ups the ante by reporting the fact that not one person has been murdered on a Greyhound Bus in the past 60 days.
Goodell: You bang her?
Roethlisberger: Yea.
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CHN convinced Mr. Goodwin to relate his experience via an informal Q and A session:
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