Southern California Biologists To Tranquilize Redheaded Human

Scientists Hope That Its Not Too Late To Save Struggling Female

Malibu, CA (CHN) - A Marine Biologist team from Monterey, CA will join a 12 member group from the LA Zoo to attempt a rather ambitious plan to subdue and study a struggling Southern California bi-ped.  If all goes well the large female will get a full medical check up and a GPS tracking device that Scientists say will warn local restaurant goers and motorists of the beasts location.   

'Multiple Shots From The Tranq Gun May Be Required' According To Biologists

"We rarely see such specimens outside of Mississippi and Alabama mostly because of the high taxes on cigarettes and lack of open space.  She may have been following a catering truck and just got out of her normal territory before becoming confused and totally un-sexy looking," said wildlife expert Ross Martinez.

"The last thing we want to do is put her down", admitted Martinez; "but we have to take into consideration how terrible this creature looks since the movie 'Mean Girls'. 

CHN.2012

Toyota Recalls 7.4m Cars Due To 'Smells Like Ass'

Summer Temperatures May Have Caused Shit Stench To Worsen

Toyota announced this morning it would recall about 2.5 million cars and trucks in the United States and 7.4 million vehicles worldwide to fix a persistent smell of human excrement. There are no reports of major injuries from the problem, but it comes after Toyota told U.S. officials earlier this year that the problem wasn't that serious and didn't require a recall. 

The recall -- the largest by any automaker since 1996 -- involves inspecting and if necessary replacing any carpeting or leather covered with brown stains, presumably from butt juice created during the manufacturing process. 

The move reverses a stance Toyota took earlier this year, when the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration opened an investigation in February after a flurry of complaints.  At that time a public release by Toyota simply read 'He who smelt it... dealt it'.

The NHTSA upgraded its investigation in June, a step that often leads to a recall.
 

Toyota chief executive Akio Matsaka confirms that a combination of ball sweat and sphincter juice by one employee at their Durham, NC assembly plant was most likely the cause.  Darrel Rayburn, well known for his moist viscous farting has been identified by all members of the plant as the likely culprit.  Various reports of sticky switches and super nasty ass smell are believed to have combined to cause nausea and loss of fine motor skills during overheating.

Owners will start receiving notices to have their cars smelled at dealerships later this month; the procedure should take about an hour and will include a wet wipe and 3 'Pine Tree' type air fresheners. The models covered by the recall include a range of vehicles from the 2007 Yaris to the 2009 Highlander Hybrid.  CHN.2012

Big Titted Salma Hayek Joins Milk Campaign To Win Over Customers Who Love Big Tits

Actress Represents A Developing Strategy For The Dairy Industry

Wisconsin (CHN) - MilkPEP's "Got milk?" campaign has had great success over the years telling moms that milk is nutritious and should be an essential part of their children's diet. 

Marketing Firm Deutsch felt it was time to expand beyond a demographic focus to an occasion-based approach, based around the natural times of day to think about both big tits and milk— beginning with the first meal of the day. 

"Breakfast is the most significant and ritualized occasion for consuming milk and performing the first masturbation of the day," said Greg DiNoto, chief creative officer at Deutsch. "It became a natural platform for this huge fake tit effort." 

And while the work is meant to transcend demographics regarding varying size breasts, it does have a notable big fake tits angle—it stars the Mexican- American huge breasted actress Salma Hayek and is running in English and Spanish on TV, in print and online for big tit lovers across the spectrum.    

Hayek's agent says that the veteran big tit actress represents a great opportunity for advertisers to reach their core marketing targets.  Hayek also appears in recent Burger King adds which aim to capitalize on a rising demographic of Americans who eat fast food and also fantasize about having sex with or touching the giant fake tits of well known actresses.

2012. CHN

Romney Picks Wrong Rubio For VP Candidate

Ricky Rubio of Minnesota Has Been Selected As Mitt Romney's VP Candidate

Minnesota (CHN) - A dejected Marco Rubio of Florida took a difficult phone call this morning after finding out that GOP presumptive Presidential candidate Mitt Romney had selected a different Rubio to join his campaign. 

A Romney spokesman admitted that the selection was a terrible error not only because Ricky Rubio of the Minnesota Timberwolves has no political experience but also because the young point guard also has a torn ACL which has made him questionable for the start of next season. 

Longtime strategist Karl Rove had a different view, "...if Ricky Rubio can swing Minnesota, we can afford to focus on other key western swing states and possibly still make up the loss of Florida".

The Obama campaign was left flat-footed and has still not commented publicly on the selection of the Spanish born 21 year old rookie point guard who is not eligible for any federal office.  

 2012.CHN

Romney: Chihuahua Puppy's Also Suffering Huge Job Losses Under Obama

GOP Presumptive Nominee Continues To Exploit So Called 'War On Puppies'

Tampa, FL (CHN) - Mitt Romney is wasting little time advancing his general election bid in the wake of Rick Santorum's campaign suspension. Puppies, a key demographic in several swing states, are getting their fair share of attention this week after Romney advanced a statistic from the labor department showing that 92.3% of all non-farm payroll losses under Obama have been suffered by women.  A closer look seems to confirm those facts, and has also uncovered a more troubling statistic about the cutest breeds of dogs.

"La Fonda (above), is now 46 weeks into unemployment following deep cuts in the stamp licking industry

What Romney and his constituents previously failed to admit was that the bulk of the remaining job losses were laid squarely at the paws of adorable puppies; most notably Chihuahua's.  Obama campaign officials say that the figures are misleading and out of context.  However, top fact checker 'Politi-fact' has determined that the statistic itself is accurate.

"Even in states populated by mostly older and larger dogs, this stat is going to hurt the President's re-election campaign," admitted analyst Donna Brasil. 

CHN. Strategic.Trusted. No Swashbuckling.

Ozzie Guillen Promises Fans That He Thinks Hitler Was A Total Jackass

100's Of Florida Protesters Legally Shot And Killed During SuspiciousTrayvon Martin Hoodie Rally

Local Law Enforcement Consulted Just After Final Suspect Was Put Down

 CHN.2012. The News You Want It To Be

Manning Promises Colts Fans He Will Play Like Crap For Whatever Team Hires Him

Future Hall Of Famer Thanks Fans; Promises Allegiance

Indianapolis (CHN Sports) - Fourteen time Pro-Bowl quarterback and favorite son of Colts fans everywhere has been released.  Peyton Manning will be wearing different colors next year but during this morning’s press conference he promised loyal supporters that he would always bleed white, navy blue, and that brown shit color that gets all over his pants after a sack.  

Manning, Promised Colts Fans A Bright Future and Named All of Them As Inheritors

Manning left little doubt that whatever team picks him up will know that he will only play well if it is against the AFC South or a team that could possibly knock the Colts from the playoffs.  He also promised to support the new Colts quarterback, "even if it is a younger 1^st round draft pick named Andrew Luck from Stanford who has no idea that someday he might simply be tossed aside like an old Taco Bell wrapper found under the center console." 

The 35 year old informed that he will donate his 7 bedroom 4 acre estate to the fans and that his wife Ashley will stay behind to service the Colts team and ownership in any way that she can.  His children, Mosely and Marshall, "were euthanized this morning and their bodies will be donated to the State of Indiana for research as to why this is all happening right now."   

Finally, Manning stated to longtime fans that the ‘Peyton Manning Children’s Hospital at St. Vincent’ will be renamed to “whatever name Colts owner Jim Irsay wants it to be because he certainly does not want my name on it anymore”.  

As he choked backed tears he concluded, “I will go it alone, I know that as long as that pigskin is in my right hand, that my target will be the heart of every Colts fan who has ever graced the earth.  May God Bless the Indianapolis Colts”

CHN. 2012.