33% of U.S. Strategic Oil Reserve Found to be Simple Molasses.

by Adamay Brown, 8:35 est.
Comedy Hub Staff Editor

Early this morning word slowly leaked out that roughly one third of America's strategic oil reserve has been determined to be nothing more than delicious molasses.

The discovery follows weeks of complaints by Air Force General Teed Moseley that routine jet patrols in Iraq had been inexplicably slowing over the past 2 months. Moseley noted in his last report to the Defense Department that "Pilots have not only mentioned the sluggish and lethargic performance of the Jets; but also the savory mouth watering smell emanating from each and every ignition of the afterburners". 

When questioned about the report by members of the press the General likened the odor to his grandmothers cookies. However, upon further questioning he refused to disclose what type of cookies his grandmother had made while promising that no recipes survive.

Final confirmation of the mix up came as crew members aboard the USS Nimitz accidentally dumped the following ingredients into a 400 degree preheated hot engine oil vat for 18 minutes:

• 3000 cups bran
• 2600 eggs
• 3,100 cups yogurt
• 1300 cups raisins
• 2750 cups flour
• 14,000 teaspoons baking powder
• 5,200 "pinches" of refined sugar

The result was 28,000 tasty molasses bran muffins. But just as the 1,600 member crew began snacking on the muffin surprise, word was reaching Wall Street about the possible mix up.

The Snafu has now been traced back to a 1998 speaker phone conversation between Department of Energy Chief Sam Bodman and his secretary concerning the increased input to the Strategic Oil Reserve from 42,000 barrels to 70,000 barrels per day. During the phone call his request for light sweet Texas crude was mistakenly faxed out to Texas bakeries instead of the East Texas Oil Fields typically utilized to fill the reserve.

A one day chart of crude oil prices Friday confirms the sticky truth:

Inversely, the commodity price of Molasses has fallen precipitously:

The drop in crude reserves brought fresh clamoring for new oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve. Sierra Club representative Josh Kravitz admitted that drilling in the Arctic may be unavoidable but that there should be more than enough molasses reserves to prevent the Food and Drug Administration from extending the harvest season of wild molasses from the Caribbean. 

The heavily depleted Grand Teton "Chip" reserve has also been targetted for protection by environmentalists. However, industry experts say that drilling for molasses 'chips' is only profitable when the price per barrel surpasses $24.00.

Experts estimate that the surprise molasses supply should quench America's sweet tooth for at least the next 6,400 years but are quick to warn that "Peak Molasses" has already been reached and the quest for alternative sources should begin now.

CHN. 2008