CHN: February 2011

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Giffords' Recovery Continues To Impress Doctors; Has First Sexual Encounter Since Shooting

Doctors Maintain Satisfaction With Pace of Recovery

CHN File Footage of 2 people (above)

Houston, TX (CHN) - Just 20 Days After The Tucson Attack, Gabrielle Giffords continues to stay ahead of her recovery plan according to staff at Herman Medical Center in Houston.

Since the January 8th attack, which left Giffords in a medically induced coma for several days, she has impressed nurses, doctors, and even Barack Obama who had the distinct honor of reporting that Giffords had opened her eyes for the first time just after his January 13th visit.

Fast forward two weeks from the President's personal visit and another milestone has been achieved. Ironically, it was Joe Biden who announced the achievement, after a 30 minute visit with a mostly lucid Giffords and husband Mark Kelly. The Vice President confirmed that Giffords was able to have her first sexual encounter just moments after he left the rehabilitation center.

Biden (left) Candidly Describes Giffords'
Progress At a Houston Warehouse To 36 Men

Giffords' nurse, Tracy Culbert, who has remained with with Congresswoman for the past 19 days, performed the stimulative procedure via a standard issue 'Jack Rabbit Vibrator'.

CHN confirmed the breakthrough with husband Mark Kelley. Kelley twittered the following to friends and family, "This is an important step for all of us ;)... Speaking for myself, I wish I could have participated in the treatment :\ ".

Trauma recovery staff were thrilled with Giffords' responsiveness and plan a fully penetrative procedure to coincide with the debut of MTV's Skins early next week.

CHN 'Retraction'

A previous CHN report listed Giffords first sexual encounter since the shooting as having occurred with intern Daniel Hernandez (during finger penetration to Giffords skull for the purpose of pressuring the wound). However, Prima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik has informed that the legal definition of a 'sexual encounter' requires that a person's 'original or birth orifices' to be penetrated. Daniel Hernandez did not return comment; however, despite Dupnik's clarification, Hernandez is still widely considered a hero.

2011. Strategic, Trusted, No Swashbuckling.
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Monday, February 7, 2011

Roughriders To Face Green Bay Packers of Wisconsin In North American Title Game

NFL Pro-Bowl Safety Charles Woodson 'Not Available' For Continent Championship Against Saskatchewan

Rough Riders Getzlaf (left) Celebrates
The CFL Title With #6 (right) Last Sunday

Calgary, Alberta (CHN_Canada) - The Winnipeg Blue Bombers were just 32 seconds away from a record 6th CFL Championship Sunday afternoon. But a 21 yard field goal sent the Skatchi' Roughriders to a 41-39 Victory and on to the North American Title Game.

And oh yeah, in case you hadn't heard, the loss also marked the final chapter in the historic career of Quebec born special teams taskmaster Pierre-Luc Labbé. Labbé, still a legend in Manitoba despite last years trade, will be a first ballot Hall of Famer should the CFL ever develop such a system of recognition.

As for the upstart Roughriders, well, they are heading for North America's biggest game where they will face a tough challenger in the NFL's Packers of Green Bay, Wisconsin.


Aaron Rodgers, NFL Quarterback

"We have a day to enjoy the victory and then its back to work," said Riders Owner/Coach Richie Hall. "I know what the fellas are thinking, just one game away from a re-match with Prague.

It's my job to keep these guys grounded and focused on the next game. I'm told that Green Bay is next for us and that is where our heads have to be from now until the February 23rd Continental Title Match."

So what are the Rough Rider's chances of making it 18 in a row for the CFL over it's NFL counterparts to the South? Well, if you think the Packers will be another 'no-show who doesn't even bother to pick up the phone', then "think again," said N.A. Title game promoter Skip McElroy.

Rumors that a fan was spotted wearing a yellowish hat at the CFL Championship game is all the talk on local Saskatchewan radio. "That wasn't no Roughrider baby custard yellow, said local 90.5 FM Morning Host Phil McDermit. "That was Packer yellow, and that scout wasn't here for his health.

The historic North American Title, perennially held at the Scotiabank Saddledome in Calgary, will be moved this year to the Air Canada Youth Center on 32nd The game will once again be preceded by a pancake breakfast to benefit those charred in the 03' breakfast disaster.

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Thursday, February 3, 2011

GOP Selects Guadalajara, Mexico For 2012 Convention

Historic Effort To Target Latino Vote Viewed As Key To Next Election

Children in Guadalajara, Jalisco Celebrate
The News At A Local Dump

Phoenix, AZ (CHN) - Arizona Republican National Committee members met this morning to receive final news on the host city selection for the parties 2012 convention. Although Phoenix was not chosen; lawmakers in the state may have played a large role in the GOP's final selection of Guadalajara, Mexico.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer went on record with CHN; "We realize that the SB1070 immigration law was unpopular among some in our community and the nation at large.

Those folks that I am referring to are often called 'Mexicans', informed Brewer, as she made overt quotation gestures with both hands while adjusting the pitch of her voice to a combination shout/whisper. She kept both eyelids frozen wide open for an unusually long amount of time which only dissipated with the onset of a slow but consistent vertical head nod finally and unfortunately giving way to a first verse rendition of José Martí's Cuban Classic, "Guantanamera".

Hotel Accommodations Are
Reportedly In Final Preparation

Jalisco Governor Jorge Sandoval released the following comment to state news agencies in Mexico:

"Realmente no sé por qué los americanos quieren venir aquí. Todo lo que podemos hacer es tratar de llevar a sus mujeres y su dinero. Somos corruptos."

Newly elected GOP Chairman Reince Priebus responded to Mr. Sandoval with a simple and polite: "Thank You".

Earlier this week the Democratic National Convention set their quadannual for Charlotte, North Carolina. When current Chairman Tim Kaine was asked if he had been 'out foxed' in the competitive host city selection process he responded: "Si".

However, Administration officials were quick to play down the news of the GOP's selection which is set to be the first ever non-domestic U.S. political convention by either party.

Un-named sources from the DNC claim that the convention is indeed a clever stunt but that the people of Guadalajara, Mexico are smart enough to see through this attempt by the GOP to take over the illegal immigrant vote that they [Democrats] have held for decades.

Other cities considered not 'Mexican' enough for the GOP 2012 convention were Tampa, Salt Lake City, Nashville, and Calgary. Calgary was running strong in the days leading up to the decision, however, it was later determined that the Canadian vote was a fucking joke.

Update: Jan Brewer reportedly learned the song "Guantanamera" from an extremely white singer named Pete Seeger:

2011. Strategic, Trusted, No Swashbuckling.
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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Did Obama Personally Train Mubarek's Egyptian Camel Brigades?

Disturbing Photos Seem To Prove Without Doubt That Obama Was Behind Yesterdays Camel Attacks In Cairo.

Washington D.C. (CHN) - Administration officials so far are refusing comment on the following images which have now hit the mainstream news media. Anonymous sources are certain that the following disturbing images must have been taken in the past 7 days. Developing...