‘Don’t ask, Don’t tell’ reversal to encourage gays out of the closet and into a life of tortured harassment
by: Amanda Westgate, Capitol Hill, 7:45 PM EST,
Washington: Just days after President Obama's first State of The Union address, gays and lesbian members of the armed forces are preparing to comply with the administrations request to serve openly. Those most supportive of the policy reversal are gays who have a fetish for being savagely beaten by their straight military brethren. Many of them have already begun gathering in a Facebook group: “I'm gay and strangely in favor of being physically beaten by my coworkers”. The group has inspired other traditionally ignored groups such as: ‘Autoworkers against safe working conditions' and ‘Pro Choice Fetuses’ into real hope that they too will finally receive support from Washington.
For some it's already far too late. Ninety-two year old Young Chow was a Chinese Railroad worker who wanted to be forced to work 18 hour days instead of the customary 16 hours. “The Railroad has already been built, my chance to work for years even closer to the edge of death are now just a faint memory. Today’s military gays deserve better", says Chow, "They have earned the opportunity to be harassed, molested with broom sticks, passed for promotion, and regularly concussed for bringing their personal sexual preferences into the workplace. Every day that we wait, another closeted military retiree leaves the service without ever having 'Butt Fucker' or 'Cum Bucket' carved into their locker, desk, or forehead".
But Obama has a different take on the breakthrough legislation and implored Congress to move quickly on the policy change. His recent conference call to the Joint Chiefs of Staff indicated dynamic support:
“Lets look at it this way; recently one of the former stars of TV’s M*A*S*H* (David Ogden Stiers) came out of the closet. Now imagine what the writers of that show could have done with Stiers stoic, brash character ‘Charles Winchester’ in regard to dealing with the ‘supposedly’ openly gay character of ‘Klinger’. I'm envisioning a scene whereas Klinger, dressed in a ballroom dress, approaches Winchester during a delicate open heart surgery and asks him to dance. What would Radar say if he walked in just at the moment Klinger and Winchester initiated the waltz? I mean – I don’t know what he would say, but I think we could have squeezed out one more season with that sort of paradigm shift. I want that for today's soldiers and writers. I want that for America.”
Chief of Naval Operations, Gary Roughead, responded to the change of policy: “We don’t really train our young men and women to give basic street breakdowns, but this policy should provide a teachable moment for us to get more involved with the concept".
For many military gays it is unclear which steps should be taken to notify their combat trained and generally bigoted coworkers about their sexual preferences. “Those concerns will quickly be dealt with” said a senior White House official directly appointed by the President to help gays act gay at work. Aside from the new pink covers for men and WNBA logos for women, the 2011 official military handbooks will include revamped sections dealing with trench warfare, breaking the ice during group showers, and fruity topics of conversations in submarines.
With the help of Ann Dunwoody, the nations first 4-star female general, the LPGA and US Olympic Softball Teams have sponsored mixers with military recruiters who believe that bull dykes are an untapped reservoir of military talent.