McCain opens wide lead in Senior Presidential Competition Bracket

by Phoenix Marie 6:15 PM est.
Comedy Hub Political Analyst

Tuscon, AZ:
The McCain camp awoke this morning to some excellent polling data that reveals a 36 point lead over his nearest competitor in the Senior Bracket (ages 70-80). The three day Rasmussen poll surveyed 1000 likely voters and indicates that McCain and at least four others may have a clear path to the White House this November. The other notable age bracket leaders include: Abigal Breslin (12), Jenna Jameson (33), Barack Obama (48), Angela Lansbury (83).


Jameson is facing stiff competition from 39 year old unemployed steel worker Frank Castenada of Toledo, Ohio. "Frank cannot possibly represent our age bracket because by the time he takes office he would have only 3 months left to represent our 30-40 year old constituency" said Jameson's media correspondent Nikki Benz.

Presidential Race Chairman Ryan Seacrest hopes that turnout this November will reach an all time high with the introduction of text voting and seven separate age brackets. "We want to thank everyone who is running and to once again thank all contestants no matter how old, young, or completely unqualified you may be" Seacrest added.

Heavy criticism from the Agibal Breslin camp has continued to plague the race committee whom thus far will not waiver on the 18 year old minimum voting age. Race Officials are set to meet next month to attempt a cooperative truce to the situation. Sources say that the possibility of disqualifying voters over age 80 may be the only solution.

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Rumor Has It That Some People Missed This You Tube Classic

"Vader Sessions" is kind of a must see....




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Milwaukee Brewers Fan out 4-6 weeks with bruised Ass Hole

by Savannah Stern Comedy Hub Writter
11:45 AM EST.

Long time season ticket holder and verbally abusive super fan Alex Wanger announced last Thursday that he is on the disabled list after a freak accident in the section C Men's Bathroom during the 5th inning of the Brewers 5-1 loss to the Cincinnati Reds.

Wanger who prides himself on telling Reds slugger Adam Dunn that his mother is a Walrus slipped on an overturned basket of garlic fries as he attempted to return to his seat prior to Dunn's at bat with the Brewers down just 3-1.

Team Doctor Shinzi Lynn reports that Wanger will suffer no permanent damage to his ass hole rim but should be in significant discomfort during his next 100-115 bowel movements.
Dr. Lynn suggested that Wanger stick to softer foods like Carnation Ice Cream and soft frozen lemenade.

Wanger will be re-assigned to AAA Nashville for rehab. He will attempt 20 minutes of sitting and heckling July 10th against the Memphis Redbirds.

"If all goes well we will have him back where we need him by August 1st" reports Brewers manager Ned Yost. "The stats don't lie we are 433-827 with Wanger in the stands and just 1-4 without him; we need him back quickly.... sore ass hole or not" a concerned Yost concluded.

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Pentagon First Female Four-star General Nominee 'Not Necessarily Lesbo'

by: Nikki Benz 9:00 am EST
Comedy Hub Political Analyst

WASHINGTON D.C. (CHN) - America's first female four-star general has been nominated, the Pentagon announced Monday. Lt. Gen. Ann E. Dunwoody was nominated to be America's first four-star female general. President Bush nominated Lt. Gen. Ann E. Dunwoody to serve as head of the Army's supply arm. 

By law women are excluded from combat jobs mostly because bull dykes do not fall within the current don't ask don't tell policy. Combat jobs are the typical path to four-star rank in the military.

"This is an historic occasion for the Department of Defense and I am proud to nominate Lt. Gen. Ann Dunwoody for a fourth star", said Defense Secretary Robert Gates. "Her 33 years of service; likely heterosexual in nature, have been highlighted by extraordinary leadership and devotion to duty, making her exceptionally qualified for this senior position."

Dunwoody, a native of New York, was commissioned as a second lieutenant in 1975 after her graduation from the State University of New York in Cortland which is not particularly identified as a "gay heaven" according to Pentagon sources. She also holds graduate degrees in national resource strategy and logistics management which raises absolutely no eyebrows.

"I am very honored but also very humbled today with this announcement," said Dunwoody. "I grew up in a family that didn't know what glass ceilings were. This nomination only re-affirms what I have known to be true about the military throughout my career ... that the doors continue to open for men and women in uniform. Keep in my mind, I have said nothing about closets whatsoever". Lt. Dunwoody was accompanied only by longtime friend Volga Magnuson.

The Senate must approve the nomination but it is not clear what type of scrutiny they will give to Dunwoody's strong jaw, dykee haircut, or deep raspy voice.

Currently, there are 57 active-duty women serving as generals or admirals, five of whom are lieutenant generals or vice admirals, the Navy's three-star rank, according to the Pentagon. "The vast majority of these three-star active-duty women have nothing concrete on their record indicating that they muff dive on the job or while on leave," boasted Secretary Gates.

The military has struggled for years to find uses for women other than mass circle jerks, groping, and unreported rape.

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The Jib Jab Video link list

The guys at Jib Jab are able to say everything on our collective minds in short animated videos.... maybe they can help me communicate with my X wife. Here is your link list to the JibJab Original Videos:

Title: Time for Some Campaignin'

Title: In 2007

Title: Matzah!

Title: Uncle Globey & Friends

Title: What We Call the News

Title: This Land!

Title: Star Spangled Banner

Title: Do I Creep You Out

Title: 2-0-5

Title: Good to be in DC!

Title: Big Box Mart

Clips from the new "GI Joe" Movie

Word has finally hit the streets that the Full production movie "GI JOE" will be in theaters rather soon. The following clips have been released to the Comedy Hub... by mistake.
Enjoy.































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Top 3 Japanese Game Show Videos

In honor of ABC's new Show "I survived a Japanese Game Show" we have assembled three of the best real Jap Game Show Clips. Why would they mess with the real deal?

Human Tetris


Wacky Olympics


This is What Deal Or No Deal Is Missing

Thanks to the fellas over atf Comedy.com for these videos

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Kobe Bryant Agent Pulls AKC Spot Just Prior to Airtime

By Micheal Yen 6:60 PM est
Comedy Hub Roving Reporter

With The NBA Finals in full swing and NBA MVP Kobe Bryant now favorably positioned to regain lost sponsorships, agent Sandee Westgate has decided to sever Kobe's relationship with a few "2nd tier" advertisers.

"Kobe has long supported the American Kennel Club (AKC) but it would be inappropriate for him to continue with the ad campaign that was established prior to Mr. Bryant receiving the MVP award". Westgate added, "The MVP and return to the Finals have helped most people forget about the 2004 Rape Trail in which my client had sex with a whorish hotel worker in Colorado".


"Sprite, McDonalds, and Hanes have all been in contact with us this past month" added Bryant's agent, "the days of signing autographs for kids and attending local mall openings should finally be over, God willing".

Bryant's scheduled campaign for the AKC/Eukanuba National Championship in Long Beach, CA was set to air in early July. Ironically it had been rumored that AKC officials may have already been considering pulling the ad in which Kobe and 3 year old Grand Champion Maltese "Cosette" (Cosi) share a 45 second split screen speaking sequence.

According to unnamed sources Bryant lacked obedience and concentration during filming and seemed to have a problematic itch of his right ear. There is no word as of print time if Bryant will still throw out the first biscuit at the event that draws dog lovers and legions of gays from around the Pacific Southwest.

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