33% of U.S. Strategic Oil Reserve Found to be Simple Molasses.

by Adamay Brown, 8:35 est.
Comedy Hub Staff Editor

Early this morning word slowly leaked out that roughly one third of America's strategic oil reserve has been determined to be nothing more than delicious molasses.

The discovery follows weeks of complaints by Air Force General Teed Moseley that routine jet patrols in Iraq had been inexplicably slowing over the past 2 months. Moseley noted in his last report to the Defense Department that "Pilots have not only mentioned the sluggish and lethargic performance of the Jets; but also the savory mouth watering smell emanating from each and every ignition of the afterburners". 

When questioned about the report by members of the press the General likened the odor to his grandmothers cookies. However, upon further questioning he refused to disclose what type of cookies his grandmother had made while promising that no recipes survive.

Final confirmation of the mix up came as crew members aboard the USS Nimitz accidentally dumped the following ingredients into a 400 degree preheated hot engine oil vat for 18 minutes:

• 3000 cups bran
• 2600 eggs
• 3,100 cups yogurt
• 1300 cups raisins
• 2750 cups flour
• 14,000 teaspoons baking powder
• 5,200 "pinches" of refined sugar

The result was 28,000 tasty molasses bran muffins. But just as the 1,600 member crew began snacking on the muffin surprise, word was reaching Wall Street about the possible mix up.

The Snafu has now been traced back to a 1998 speaker phone conversation between Department of Energy Chief Sam Bodman and his secretary concerning the increased input to the Strategic Oil Reserve from 42,000 barrels to 70,000 barrels per day. During the phone call his request for light sweet Texas crude was mistakenly faxed out to Texas bakeries instead of the East Texas Oil Fields typically utilized to fill the reserve.

A one day chart of crude oil prices Friday confirms the sticky truth:

Inversely, the commodity price of Molasses has fallen precipitously:

The drop in crude reserves brought fresh clamoring for new oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve. Sierra Club representative Josh Kravitz admitted that drilling in the Arctic may be unavoidable but that there should be more than enough molasses reserves to prevent the Food and Drug Administration from extending the harvest season of wild molasses from the Caribbean. 

The heavily depleted Grand Teton "Chip" reserve has also been targetted for protection by environmentalists. However, industry experts say that drilling for molasses 'chips' is only profitable when the price per barrel surpasses $24.00.

Experts estimate that the surprise molasses supply should quench America's sweet tooth for at least the next 6,400 years but are quick to warn that "Peak Molasses" has already been reached and the quest for alternative sources should begin now.

CHN. 2008 

Onion.com: Obama's Gmail Account hacked....

(Click on the image to enlarge full size)

Chatsworth, CA: Train Crash Re-Enactment kills 21, injures 106

Officials defend todays investigative test crash that left riders angry, dead, or injured.

Chatsworth, CA:
Los Angeles County Investigators and Metrolink Engineers made additional progress Wednesday in an attempt to zero in on exactly what went wrong with Metrolink Train #111 and why it collided with a Union Pacific locomotive last Friday killing 25 and injuring 130. But the need for additional data collection was met with only modest approval by the families of those who perished in the un-announced test crash.

The surviving family members of the original crash had little sympathy for those lost in the re-enactment crash. "They better continue doing additional crash testing until every single kink is worked out of the system; then and only then can we claim progress on the safety of our trains" explained Martina Magdaleno, mother of 19 year old victim Aido Magdaleno.

Below: the re-enactment trains make their final full speed approach as NTSB
and Metrolink investigators wait patiently for the screams and carnage to unfold

Pictured below: Safety personnel make final wagers on casualties; other officials may

have stood too close to the re-enactment crash as visible in the picture taken just
prior to impact (below right). Six of the deaths from the re-enactment
crash were in fact safety officials.

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa defended the decision to run the crash test on the MetroLink line just hours after he boarded a separate train in Northridge to show residents that the trains were indeed safe and reliable. The Mayor responded:

"The only method I know of to fix our current system is to test it in real time, a dry run serves no purpose when so many lives are at stake. We are proud to report that casualties were down 20% across the board when compared to the original crash".

Critics warn that those statistics, while positive, are more indicative of fewer riders following last weeks disaster. "Some of the riders that would have been on the train for the re-enactment already died last week" reported Sol Rosenburg, an NTSB senior adviser. Rosenburg continued, "If the ridership had been equal in both the orginal crash and the planned test crash then perhaps the casualties would have been equal. We also know that it is too soon to draw any conclusions with the inadequate sample size of just two crashes".

Metrolink investigators presented the following drawing which details key
problems leading to both the original crash and also the re-enactment crash

Future investigative crashes are unlikely to be announced ahead of time according to the Mayor's office. "If you tell the kids that we are going to have a fire drill do you really think that they will react with the intensity and adrenaline needed to escape and outrun an actual fire? The answer is unequivocally no" responded a spokesman for Villaraigosa.

Manual Izturis, who lost his 23 year old sister in the original crash, spoke through an interpreter about losing his 52 year old father during today's test crash: "I know that my father did not die in vain; I also know that the victims in the next planned crash will have peace knowing that they died to find out how and why my father and sister died during previous crashes. I myself have thought about driving instead of using the Metro, but killing others with global warming wont bring back nobody."

Tina Fey = Sarah Palin.

Biden tells wheelchair bound state senator to stand up..

This could happen to anyone - but it requires us to laugh at that anyone:

Creed Clips from "The Office".

Will someone please make a longer version of this? Pretty please!!!

Creed Clips via Youtube.com is sponsored by The Plastico

Reunited Cat "Dixie" Promptly Runs Away From Home...

Wed Sep 10, 10:48 AM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - A couple has been reunited with their missing cat after nine years, the RSPCA said on Wednesday.

Dixie, a 15-year-old ginger cat, disappeared in 1999 and her owners thought she had been killed by a car.

She was found less than half a mile from her home in Birmingham after a concerned resident rang the animal charity to report a thin and dishevelled cat who had been in the area for a couple of months.

It seemed to be a fairy tale ending for both Dixie and owners until the unthinkable happened; Dixie has run away from home to join the circus.

After Dixie had returned last week the RSPCA Animal Collection Officer Alan Pittaway checked her microchip and confirmed it was Dixie. She was returned to her owners, Alan and Gilly Delaney, within half an hour. The Delaney family decided to go one step further and installed a GPS device just in case Dixie made another run for it.

"In 29 years of working for the RSPCA I have never seen anyone so excited and happy as Mrs. Delaney," Pittaway said. "It made my day to return Dixie to her owners." Pittaway continued, "That's why my heart broke when I was told that Dixie got the itch to run again - this time joining Barnum and Bailey's Traveling Circus".

"Dixie's personality, behavior, kitty mannerisms had not changed at all," said Gilly Delaney. "She just waited by the door all the time for a chance to run away; she would take brief breaks to piss and shit on our bed but aside from that she was always at the door."

The RSPCA hopes that the story will encourage owners to have their pets microchipped; but they also admit off the record that the GPS system may just add salt to the wounds of family's that are hated by their runaway animals.

Sarah Palin Gender Card (Jon Stewarts Most Viewed Clip Ever)

Love or hate Sarah Palin the folks over at Comedy Central did their homework on this weeks double talkers. So let's see what the media has said about the lipstick bulldog... brought to you by John Stewart and his trained team of media stalking monkeys:



Video Clip Tags: Karl Rove, Bill O'Reilly, Dick Morris, Sean Hannity

Palin's 4 Month Old Son Trig May Be Preggers

by: Joe Kucinich, 6:55 AM EST
Comedy Hub Election Staff

Questions continue to pile up at the McCain camp just days after the confirmation that VP pick Sarah Palin's 17 year old daughter Bristol is 5 months pregnant. Team Obama has called on the media and bloggers to respect the Palin's family privacy but that was prior to today's blockbuster revelation concerning 4 month old Trig Palin.

Rumors of the Trig Palin pregnancy began after a picture was analyzed by a blogger at the Daily Kos. The picture, originally released by the McCain campaign, appears to have been doctored to cover up the obvious "baby bump" on the 4 month old baby.

Trig, who has down syndrome, has not publicly responded to any of the rumors; nor has the young Casanova confirmed if he will keep the child. Trig is the youngest known male to become pregnant would easily become the youngest male or female human to deliver a live fetus should the pregnancy come to full term.

"At least Trig wont have to go it alone; his older sister Bristol will be going through the process and would give Trig some extra courage as he makes a final decision about his pregnancy," stated an anonymous rep from Planned Parenthood Alaska in a private release.

The agency also notes that, "the primary concern is that family pressure might force the youngster to keep the child even if his best judgment tells him to terminate the pregnancy.  Clearly Mrs. Palin's pro-life stance makes baby Trig's decision extremely complicated; that and the fact that Trig wont be able to speak for about 20 months".

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