George Lucas taking "Clone Wars" Bluff All The Way To Theaters

by: H. Ford 6:35 am PST
Comedy Hub Intern

The Clone Wars are a series of fictional intragalactic battles in George Lucas's science fiction saga Star Wars that will be brought to theaters entirely because of a 2006 poker bet between George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. The "Clone Wars" conflict is first mentioned in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977) and has not been targeted for the big screen in the following 31 years for good reason.

A unnamed source, present during the poker game, describes the dialogue between the two entertainment moguls during the now infamous wager:

Spielberg: Ok beard boy, I think your bluffing again, I'm calling you on your BS.
Lucas: I'm from Modesto, CA.... we eat bullshit for breakfast there.
Spielberg: I'm aware of that and very tired of hearing about it.
Lucas: I'll Tell you what, you retarded little elf, lets go all in - my pilot is bored.
Spielberg: How does this sound... I win the hand and you have to send your botched "Clone Wars" video game to theaters - no improvements to it - just a video game quality movie.
Lucas: I could send a picture of me fucking ET to the theaters and make 500 million. You're on.

Spielberg's ten-three held up against the Lucas six-four hand sealing the deal for the approval of "Clone Wars". But assistants for George Lucas never thought he would go through with the bet; especially after viewing the third rate animation produced by out of work digital engineer Danny Stevens. Mr. Stevens, a former HR rep with Electronic Arts, had no real animation experience other than overhearing a few conversations related to the making of Madden NFL 2003.

But critics have universally applauded Lucas for his all out effort to comply with the poker bet which includes a fake website to promote the 'movie' and a 28 million dollar advertising campaign. A representative for Lucasfilm LTD admits that if the strategy works the average movie goer is "much much dumber than we ever could have imagined".

To further dilute the Lucas legacy there has been discussion that he will release a vhs copy of his attempt to beat the 1991 game "Zelda II: The Adventure of Link ". Lucas battles Link's enemies for approximately 3 hours before dieing at the hands of Ganon in the final screenshot.

Rumors have swirled for years that Spielberg went forward with Jurassic Park III (2001) only after losing a best 3 of 5 Rock-Paper-Scissors match to Lucas during a long night of drinking whiskey sours and a far-from-kosher bouillabaisse stew.

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Will Farrell and John C. Reilly turn in a good 4 quarter performance. If you have not watched "Step Brothers" yet go ahead and watch this video anyway - it will only ruin the movie a little for you. (Not safe for work / language)

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Obama Surprise: I'm not coming back to America

by: Seth Champi , 11:33 AM PST
Comedy Hub Janitor

Barack Obama's World Tour continued Friday as he met with leaders and supporters in Paris during his rock-star-like extravaganza. During the trip Obama has famously played basketball with troops in Afghanistan, spoke to 100,000's in Germany, underscored his commitment to Israel, and now finally announced that he will not be returning to America as previously planned.

The news broke apparently as wife Michelle sent a text message to her mother reading simply "for the first time I'm proud of America; but Europe is better - it's FXXXing awesome out here - wont be back :}~me.... xoxo".

Hillary Clinton seized on the possible news that Obama may have to withdraw his presumptive DNC candidacy; but sources close to Obama are not worried and believe that Mr. Obama will be able to not only win the Presidency while on the beach in the French Riviera but will be able to handle the job as leader of the free world in between afternoon drives on the German autobahn and his newfound hobby of tasting Swiss chocolate.

DNC reps are scrambling to set up a satellite feed for the convention that will allow Obama to deliver his acceptance speech in Denver while enjoying the splendor of Italy's Amalfi Coast and perhaps a trip to the Blue Grotto; just a short boat ride from the island of Capri.

Other speculation that Obama may select UN Secretary General Kofi Annan as his Vice President have not been confirmed.

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Jack Nicholson Eyes Role Of Joker In Possible Batman Sequel

by: Miya Sakara 6:10 pm EST
Comedy Hub Hollywood Reporter

The breakthrough Batman film "Dark Knight" has packed theaters opening weekend across the country and already has broken the box office record previously set by "Spiderman 3". Critics have praised the performance of both Christian Bale and the late Heath Ledger. With the cash registers ringing at full speed executives at Warner Bros. are reportedly already considering a possible sequel to the Gotham thriller.

But just one problem, with the passing of Heath Ledger how could a second Batman feature film even be considered? Aging Laker fan Jack Nicholson is offering a solution: cast him as the next Joker. Sources close to Nicholson say that the idea is more than just another hangover induced rant following the Lakers loss in the finals to the Boston Celtics last month. Nicholson is so serious about a sequel to Batman that he hired a makeup artist and wardrobe designer to fit him for the role.


Studio exec's are listening but are divided about Nicholson's other request to replace Christian Bale with Micheal Keaten who has been retired since his 1986 lead role in "Gung Ho". Nicholson believes that the 1983 thriller "Mr. Mom" is evidence enough that Keaten has the courage and versatility to play the role of Gotham's savior. Other discussion of a possible role of Robin for Chris O'Donnell or a "Catwoman" spin off featuring Halle Berry are being called "absurd" and "Dead On Arrival" at the Warner Bros. Studio.

In related news California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been eyeing a possible return to the big screen and has been observed shopping his own action thriller entitled "Mr. Freeze". The film would center on his character, a brilliant scientist turned anti-global warming crusader caught in a love tryst with "Poison Ivy" a villainess commander of poisonous plants.

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Kansas and Nebraska Move Forward With Joint Secession plan

by: Jim Stuart 1:00pm EST
Midwest Correspondent

The United States of America lost two members Wednesday morning as Kansas and Nebraska shocked the Union with the announcement that they would jointly secede and become a sovereign nation. The move comes at a time when the remaining 48 states are ill prepared for the possibility of a military standoff against the newly formed two state alliance.

With heavy numbers of troops in Iraq and Afghanistan the President may not have the firepower he needs to wage a protracted civil war against the now sovereign nation of "Kansaska" (the name Nebrasas was dropped from contention because it sounded too stupid).

"We are not worried about the possibility of attack from other states, mostly because we are surrounded by a bunch of pussies like Missouri, South Dakota, and Oklahoma" admits newly sworn in President and former Topeka Mayor Bill Bunten.

Neither state has made national news since the Kansas-Nebraska Act of 1854 that essentially repealed the Missouri Compromise of 1820. "Our states proved during their infancy that we could work together and guess what - now we are all grows up and ready to rumble" reported Kansaska Military Czar Helen Hucklesmith, a former one star general in the U.S. Air Force.

Hucklesmith currently controls a combined National Guard troop level of 27,000 Air and Army Guardsmen not to mention many impressive alums of Nebraska Cornhusker football fame, certainly enough to make it a mid-level superpower in the North Central Midwest.


As Condaleeza Rice scrambled to put together a negotiation team to deal with the surprise rebellion a thesis was beginning to develop as to why the alliance was built and why secession was necessary.

Recently the Democratic National Committee picked Denver for the site of the 2008 national convention snubbing both Wichita and Omaha. The selection seemed to be the final straw for two states desperate to be noticed. "Our basketball team just pulled off an amazing comeback victory against Memphis this year; we sat and watched with mouths agape as the New York Giants won the Espy for best comeback victory.... what would your reaction be?" argued Jayhawk head coach Bill Self.

Although the national news networks have had no presence in either state for the past 200 years many Americans have flown over the area during travel between relevant states. Travelers are now reporting a possible troop build-up along the Iowa border. "We know they want access to the Mississippi River" reported Iowa Governor Chet Culver, "I don't think we can stop them" he added.

Should Kansaska gain control of the Mississippi they will usurp strategic control of the entire Midwest giving them the ability to stop goods in transit and the water itself between Canada and the Gulf of Mexico. Kansas State Professor Rajib Solomen has stated publicly that by stopping the flow of the Mississippi that they can drain the Gulf of Mexico in just 3 weeks. "They are essentially putting a noose around North America that could be impossible to release" announced Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper during an emergency cabinet meeting.

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Angels Pitcher Jared Weaver over-playing 1976 song "Dream Weaver"

by: Joe Torre 10:30 pm EST
Comedy Hub Sports Editor

When Gary Wright wrote the song "Dream Weaver" 32 years ago he may not have had unborn Jared Weaver in mind. That hasn't stopped Weaver, a 25 year old right handed pitcher, from playing the song immediately upon picking up dates in his 2007 Cadillac Escalade or in the dugout after the 3rd and 5th innings of each game he starts.

Jared's favorite line of the song according to utility man Maicer Izturis is:
"Ooh dream weaver, I believe you can get me through the night"

Jared's refusal to pitch during day games because of the obvious clash with the songs lyrics has been a concern for Angel's Manager Mike Scioscia. "Jared's relationship with the song can be an issue; for example he refuses to pitch from the stretch unless catcher Mike Napoli comes out to the mound and sings:
"I've just closed my eyes again, Climbed aboard the dream weaver train".

Scioscia continued "We would like to play backup catcher Jeff Mathis with Weaver on the mound, but Jeff can't hit the crescendo of the chorus line like Mike can; which means Weaver will refuse to throw his split finger when he is behind in the count.

Vladamir Guerrero had a rather candid response when asked about hearing the song regularly aboard the team plane, bus, dugout, meals, and every second in the locker room: "Malo, malo, malo, malo; Quiero muerte por el Dream Weaver y quiero muerte ahora mismo!"

Weaver himself had his headphones on and was unavailable for comment.

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Bush Suggests Honor Killing of Keith Olbermann

Friends and family paid their final respects to former White House Press Secretary Tony Snow this past Thursday. Snow who died of colon cancer last Saturday is survived by his wife and three children.

President Bush fondly remembered Tony Snow, telling mourners at Snow's funeral that the conservative commentator-turned-White House press secretary "amassed a rare record of accomplishment." Bush then went on to push a new plan dubbed the "Fairness Doctrine" that would offer for the mercy killing of MSNBC Talk Show Host Keith Olbermann to help offset the recent loss of Snow and Meet The Press Anchor Tim Russert.

Bush went on to describe the value of honor killing and how its possible use in America just might extend an olive branch to those who practice the Middle East Tradition. Bush then signalled the choir to begin their rendition of "Amazing Grace" prior to boarding his Marine One Helicopter which appeared to be armed with additional weaponry not typically seen on the Presidential transport vehicle.

Police: The Corpse We Found Ended Up Being A Nobody

Redondo Beach, CA:
Speculation swirled earlier this week in one of the nations safest cities over the discovery of a dead body; perhaps the first murder in Redondo Beach since 1978. The victim, a young blond female, appeared to have been the victim of an elaborate murder plot that would likely make its rounds on the national news networks and at the very least create fodder for an episode of CSI, according to Redondo detectives.

The body was found at 5:30 Am Saturday by a group of young adolescent males who were up early for a walk and to enjoy the sunrise. The victim was partially nude but yielded little information for local detectives. "We noticed that her shirt was ripped exposing 34 DD breasts; after we finished the measurement and inspection of the victims breasts we hit a wall as far as clues go" admitted Redondo Detective and Parking Enforcement Czar Greg O'Neil. Crime scene notes released to the media immediately after the discovery describe the victim as extremely attractive, well tanned, with uncanny maintenance of body hair.

Redondo Beach Police developed several possible scenarios with the most popular outcome suggesting that a 19 Year old Heiress/Movie Star was caught in a lurid affair with a Malibu entertainment mogul. After being caught by the mogul's wife the young starlet must have been forced by the wife to perform sexual acts on high ranking public officials and or foreign dignitaries. She likely was manipulated to dress as a Catholic schoolgirl and role play numerous risque situations with an authoritarian principle. "She must have wanted out and had to be gotten rid of" explained O'Neil. "That's when they must have either poisoned her with arsenic or electrocuted her; we really have no way to know"

But the buzz among local residents was silenced quickly as DNA results showed that the corpse was just a freshman at USC that seemed to have no connection with the entertainment industry, high profile figures, or any other nationally provacative missing persons cases. O'Neil says that while the investigation will technically remain "open" the back half of summer gets really busy over at the pier with lots of sunbathers and parking violations.

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Marines lose confidence in Obama's ability to recognize 2-3 zone defense

by: Kristyne Sims, 6:45 pm EST
Comedy Hub Middle East Bureau

Democratic Presidential hopeful Barack Obama visited with troops this past Friday and promptly found himself playing a 5 on 5 game of basketball with Marines and Army personnel stationed in Kabul, Afghanistan.

Obama, a left handed shooter, has been criticized in the past for a weakness in going to his right, a deficiency that Brigadier General Andrew Walcott took full advantage of on his way to three crucial steels during the first to 21 match up.

The game became a defensive battle with Obama's Marine team down 13-16 to the opposing Army team. Obama called a timeout to discuss a possible timetable to end the game. Volunteer referee Edward Flannigan refused the request and told Obama that both teams must play until there was a winner.

Prior to the end of the timeout two of the Marines suggested a "surge" in which they would sneak a 6th player onto the court until the Army team was subdued. Obama reportedly refused the suggestion and asked his team to redeploy into a spread offense with some of the players staying in the backcourt the rest of the game.

The Army team went on to a 21-14 Victory; Obama and the Marines left the court in frustration and defeat. The McCain camp was quick to dispatch criticism "Barack Hussein Obama did not have the gravitas to lead the Marine team through a very standard and basic pick and roll offense". Perhaps even more damaging for the Obama team was an anonymous comment from a Marine teammate "I think this calls into question Mr. Obama's ability to lead any basketball team internationally, certainly I would have second thoughts about suiting up for him again"

Other un-named sources have been reported as saying that Obama had no business at point guard and should have slid over to the #2 position so that he could feature his 14' jumper. Apparently, Obama was confused regularly by the Army's faux 2-3 zone defense that was just a cover for their standard 'switch all screens man to man' set.

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Bernanke announces interest rate cut on his Boca Raton rental property

by: Freddie Mac, 12:25 pm EST
Capitol Hill Correspondent

Speaking in front of the House Financial Services Committee earlier this morning Federal Reserve Chief Ben Bernanke announced a surprise move targeted directly at his 2004 investment in the Florida real estate market. Bernanke spoke for nearly 3 hours during the Q & A session on Capitol Hill with topics spanning from inflation to the high price of commodities, and finally his action to lower the monthly payment on his South Florida rental property following the expiration of an 3 year ARM.

Mr. Bernanke notes that the Federal Reserve is more than aware of the "moral hazard" risk that is assumed by focusing the monetary policy of the worlds largest economy on one 3 bedroom condo conveniently located 15 minutes from Ft. Lauderdale with easy access to I95.

He adds that the "pergo flooring and addition of an outside gas barbecue" have made the property a steal for both seasonal visitors or full season residents. Bernanke went on to defend against rumors that he simply did not understand the package of documents from Washington Mutual that explained the automatic rate hike of his mortgage after the 3 year ARM expired last March.
He does remain confident that the "foreclosure rate" of this specific property should remain near zero and that he is willing to consider additional measures to raise credit liquidity should his wife continue to purchase non-consumer cyclical items such as the last 8 releases from Jimmy Choo.

Wall street reaction to the testimony was mixed as investors weighed the disclosure that Mr. Bernanke would not follow through with his plan to print money in order to fill a pinata at his daughters 7th birthday later this month.

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JIb Jab Strikes Again...

Jib Jab serves up another gem; all you need to know about the 2008 Presidential Campaign:

JibJab - Time for Some Campaignin'
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Michael vs. Toby. One man's hate for HR.

Just a couple weeks ago at a Comedy Hub Blogspot board meeting we discussed the fact that the following video had not yet been created. Let the minutes for the next meeting note this post.

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"White Chicks" The Movie was on TV tonight.... Here is the best scene

Generally this movie is a waste of time but it has its moments... .also chicks seem to love this movie so keep that in mind.

Brett Favre wins NCAA ruling; will return to Southern Mississippi

by: Tyrone Lombardi 2:30 pm EST
Comedy Hub Sports Correspondent

Hattiesburg, Mississippi:
The Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles had a special announcement today that has shocked the college football world: the return of Brett Favre to college football. After weeks of speculation as to where Favre might land, should he return from retirement, an NCAA ruling made the decision much easier and much sweeter for Favre and his Alma Mater.

After several appeals the NCAA reports that it has granted Favre a 5th season based upon the issuance of a medical redshirt for Favre's first year as a freshman. He played just 2 games in 1987 before suffering an a season ending injury, however a paperwork SNAFU at the NCAA did not allow him to regain the year of eligibility until late last night.

"This is probably one of the top recruits that our program has ever landed" speculated Eagles head coach Larry Fedora. "I'm not aware of the NFL's best player ever coming back for another college season but we are cautiously optimistic that Brett can earn a roster spot".

Favre will have to try to win a starting spot from true sophomore Austin Davis who played sparingly in 2007. Should Favre win the starting job and have a good season against Conference USA foes he would be eligible for the 2009 NFL draft; a lifelong dream for Favre. Favre was selected 33rd by the Atlanta Falcons in the 1991 draft but only threw 4 passes for the Falcons as a rookie under Jerry Glanville.

"I'm hoping this time around will be a little different... maybe I can expel some of those demons from the past" said an optimistic Favre during an impromptu press conference on the Southern Mississippi campus. "First and foremost will be my studies and getting my butt to class; it's just too much of a longshot to count on the NFL, very few college players make it" admitted Favre as he finished his order of jalapeno nachos from the student union cafeteria.

Claims that Favre had already joined the Lambda Chai Alpha fraternity and challenged the Woman's volleyball team to keg stands during a orientation barbecue has not been confirmed or denied by the university.

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Jimmy Kimmel vs. Sesame Street "Unnecessary Censorship"