Tony Dungy Robot Goes Haywire; Electrocutes NBC Staff

Rodney Harrison and Bob Costas In Critical Condition Following Accident

New York, NY (CHN) - Staff at NBC are still reconstructing the events that led to a complete and total failure of the Tony Dungy Robot. The malfunction occurred during the Sunday night post-game wrap up following the Eagles and 49ers Week 5 match-up.

NBC Scientists originally developed the robot in 2009 shortly after Dungy decided to re-neg on his 3-year contract with NBC's "Sunday Night Football" so that he could spend more time with family. Despite regular malfunction and non-human functionality, NBC has continued to use the robot up until the catastrophic failure Sunday. 

NBC Staff and a Naked Tony Dungy Robot During Happier Times in 2009

NBC producer Fred Gaudelli spoke frankly to CHN about the incident, "We tried to limit use of the Dungy Robot to statistical assessment. As time went on viewers didn't seem to take offense to the robots lack of human eye movement, facial cohesion, or mind boggling awkwardness. I think we got cocky and just rode that robot until it failed". 

Early reports indicate that Bob Costas was wrapping post game discussion with the Dungy Unit and attempting to segue to Mike Florio for review of Ben Roethlisberger's return to the Steelers. 

The Dungy Robot reportedly began to experience voltage irregularities and immediately started to regurgitate Peyton Manning stats from the Indianapolis Colts 2006-07 Super Bowl season. 

Investigators believe that at some point the wiring originally meant to control eye blinking and speech inflection finally burned through the Dungy Robot's thin fiberglass skin causing mass electrocution and fire to the 'Football Night In America' Set.

NBC will replace the injured Rodney Harrison and Bob Costas with back-up robots for 3-4 weeks but promises to phase out the use of all future robots with the exception of the current Jay Leno model which isn't scheduled to be scrapped until the spring of 2014. 

2010. Strategic, Trusted, No Swashbuckling.
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Philip Morris Introduces Breakthrough Drug To Help Quit Chantix

Clinical Trials Prove New Medication Is Nearly 100% Effective

Winston-Salem, NC (CHN)- It's that nasty little habit that you have always wanted to quit but just never could. Don't despair, a new over-the-counter product just might ignite that fire of change that you've needed all along. A start up company (Philip Morris) has something you might be ready to hear: 'It's finally your time'. A new, mostly organic drug, called Marlboro, has shown astounding success at helping users quit Chantix and has now been approved for nationwide non-prescription sale by the FDA.

"I didn't feel the overwhelming urge to take that pill," said longtime Chantix user Clayton. Clayton and many other former Chantix users seem to agree that the Marlboro smoking sticks come through on their promise to end that nagging urge to pop expensive prescription pills and the long list of side effects that goes with them.

America's long fight to educate and prevent the use of Chantix took a leap forward recently as Chantix maker Pfizer admitted and published a long list of side effects that anti-Chantix activists have been asserting for years. Pfizer's website now lists side effects as depression, anxiety, panic, serious skin reactions, oral blisters, sleep problems, constipation, and nausea. Smoking stick inventor Phillip Morris wants to make those nasty little problems a thing of the past.

"Chantix users often start young and it's no secret that the pills often end up in the hands and mouths of America's youth," asserts a Philip Morris press release. They also say: "We have a plan." So far, the company has taken the unprecedented step of hiring recycling agents to hang out near retail stores so that they can help children make successful purchases of the smoking sticks.

An expensive multi-decade contract with Hollywood to produce television and movies showing the use of smoking sticks (instead of Chantix) also has parents giving a big thumbs up.

Philip Morris is also being applauded for launching a national advertising campaign aimed squarely at active people such as those who ride horses during the 1970's and various types of race car drivers.

Americans are indeed responding; the Philip Morris website now has a long list former Chantix users who say they are cured:"No more uncomfortable Dr. visits; no more expensive prescriptions," Hector, 22

"I walked into the local service station and said, I'm ready to quit... the cashier was ready to help," - Herb, 54

I was having suicidal thoughts and running out of time," Marty (1964-2009)

"I was able to continue using Chantix for the first week, but I didn't need to. The organic smoke sticks cured me before I had finished the first pack," - Kathy, 47

Data shows that Marlboro users are reporting a 58% increase in meeting sluts outside of bars and a 74% increase in their ability to to take regular breaks from work that other employees don't get.

Although the exact contents of Marlboro smoking sticks are still unknown, the main ingredient (tobacco), is farmed organically right here in America. More good news, according to researchers, is that the smoking sticks are already undergoing tests to help cure the use of Nicorette Gum, Zyban, and Habitrol.

Despite all of this, some critics remain skeptical. Don Mosebar, a health and wellness advocate, has questioned the ability of Marlboro users to kick the Chantix pills for good. "I think it's easy to report success after the first month or even the first year. Let's see if these smoke sticks can keep people from reaching for those pill bottles after a big meal or after sex, that's the key."

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BP: Investigation Reveals Spill Caused By Textbook Clusterfuck

Perfect Storm of Bad Shit Happened

(CHN)- BP PLC on Wednesday issued a long-awaited investigative report that says a complex series of failures and bad decisions—by itself and other companies—led to the deadly Deepwater Horizon disaster in the U.S. Gulf of Mexico in April. The heart of the three page report focused on 'fucked up shit' that all went wrong at once.


BP Scientists in the past normally concluded that spills and loss of life accidents were the result of Murphy's Law. Today's report was in stark contrast; the spill was almost certainly caused by a total catastrophic clusterfuck.

Critics had suggested that basic equipment failure to the blowout preventer (caused by dead batteries) and lack of care regarding unusual pressure readings combined with a hurried desire to tap the well (on schedule) forced subcontractors and BP management to panic.

BP has laid those claims to rest and confirmed unequivocally that 'tons of really bad shit just all happened at once'. BP added a video to its website whereas a jogger's hat falls off and then immediately lands on another runners head. The lesson learned by BP investigators: 'crazy things that you never thought of can happen; knock on wood that this doesn't happen again anytime soon'.

2010. Strategic, Trusted, No Swashbuckling.

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Underground Dentist Cleans Teeth Day Before You Go To Dentist You Have A Crush On

'Street Dentists' Booming In Areas Most Affected By Attractive Dentists

San Leandro, CA (CHN) - Jenny Kasuno received a reminder postcard in the mail last Friday and realized that she only had 6 days until her bi-annual dental cleaning. For Jenny, that reminder meant one thing - a call to Harare Mugabe, underground dentist.

Jenny was introduced to Mugabe by a friend 3 years prior, "I had a bad checkup; my dentist (who is extremely sexy) said that I had plaque and tartar buildup under my gum-line. The embarrassment was overwhelming," said Kasuno.

Mugabe, a well respected dentist in his native Zimbabwe, has had difficulty achieving certification from the California Dental Board. "He doesn't speak English whatsoever," admitted Kasuno. She also conceded that, "He was trained exclusively with wood tools and relies in part on tribal dancing to keep evil spirits from going near my teeth. "I can't just go to another real dentist in town because they all play golf together; I mean... I just don't have time to travel out of the area for my pre-cleaning cleaning."


With competitive rates of $8.00 per cleaning, most underground dentists work in secret unmarked locations, or in Mugabe's case, a vacant field behind the old mill. The key locations are far from the offices of dentists that most clients have crushes on.

However, a new problem has been slowly developing for Ms. Kasuno. "Mr. Harare is very tender and very thorough". Kasuno paused in deep reflection before continuing, "I could see a look in his eye that suggested he was irritated with the buildup on my wisdom teeth... Oh, I felt so bad. He performed a new dance using burning coals before eating a live frog; I just can't show up for my pre-cleaning like this again, I can't".

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Obama Shocks Nation; Announces Early Retirement

Decision To Spend More Time With Family Not A Surprise To Insiders/Pollsters

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Washington D.C. (CHN) - America awoke this morning to some unexpected news as Barack Obama has issued a personal statement via the White House website that he will be retiring effective immediately. The 44th President will become the first to cut his first term short for reasons other than death by assassination, pneumonia, gastroenteritis, or heart attack.

An anonymous source from the Administration said that Obama had asked everyone to try to work four times faster than the average administration and that he was hoping to complete his first 100 days in '20 days or so'.
 
Here is the official statement released to CHN via the President's Web Site:

My Fellow Americans,

About 18 months ago we promised to bring change to Washington and did we ever. 140 million Americans were worried about losing their jobs and now only 125 million are worried about losing their jobs thanks to the Stimulus package and massive layoffs. If the recovery continues at this pace; no American will need to worry about any job by 2021.

But there were some bumps along the way to be sure, the 13 months that it took us to get health care passed seemed to breeze right by for the American Public. However, for those of us here in the White House we had to work many a long night to implement the type of changes that might be understood someday by some sort of supercomputer far exceeding our current knowledge of computer capabilities.

Now it's time for a personal change for myself, Michelle, and our two daughters Malia and Sasha. Moving on now with the country in good hands will allow much more time for international travel with Michelle and the kids. It will also afford visits with Bart Stupak's family, Christy Romer's Family, Evan Bayh's family, Martha Coakley's family, Charlie Rangel's kids and grand kids, Maxine Watter's husband, Harry Reid and his people, and so many others that will have much more time on their hands come November. Folks like Barbara Boxer, Arlen Specter, Robin Carnahan, Russ Feingold, and Joe Sestak just to scratch the surface.

I realize that some folks will say that I'm retiring a little early; I would like to remind the press that I am a public employee and that the average retirement age for most Federal employees is about 45 years old thanks in part to my help in supporting public unions.

I cannot and will not entertain the debate that I am walking away in order to mitigate what appears to be a perfect political storm of unemployment, disillusionment with health care, deficits, the mosque, the Afghan war, my lawsuit against Arizona honkies, the Guantanamo thing, and an inchoate fear about the very ability of Americans to fight off scurvy. Rest assured, that Press Secretary Robert Gibbs will address those concerns in detail before he also retires next week.

For now, I will leave my forwarding address with our well groomed and energetic Vice President Joe Biden (who is rather well spoken and clean for an old white guy). I've already pretty much shown him where all the important stuff is at.

I am a man of change... a man by and for change of all kinds all the time. Sometimes I cut pennies in half just to fuel a sick personal belief that nothing is too diminutive to escape my wholesale assault on anything static.

For all of those speculating that I am freeing up time to run for President in 2012 or that I may be planning a return to my beloved Kenya to overthrow President Mwai Kibaki; I'll say what I've been saying all morning: we will make those decisions as a family after my exploratory committee reports back next month. Until then, may God Bless you, and may God Bless America.

In other retirement news, ESPN is reporting that Brett Favre, who recently committed to playing the 2010 season, has just retired once again so that he too could spend more time with the Obama children. Favre will also re-enroll at Southern Mississippi where he has been granted a 5th year of eligibility by the NCAA. Critics suggest that the Campus in Hattiesburg is far too close to the Gulf to expect a visit from any of the Obamas.

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2010. Strategic, Trusted, No Swashbuckling.

Recent CHN reports on former President Obama:

*Obama Cuts Deal; Winter Olympics Moved To Chicago
*U.S., Russia, Gilbert Arenas Reach Arms Deal
*Obama Finally Reaches Climax; Gives Pearl Necklace To Wife Michelle
*Marines Lose Confidence In Obama's Ability To Recognize 2-3 Zone Defense

Dr. Laura Promises Not To Say 'Nigger' Ever Ever Again

Radio Host Is Super Apologetic

Santa Barbara, CA (CHN) - The media storm began on August 10th when nationally syndicated radio host Dr. Laura Schlessinger took a call from a Black American woman. The caller was upset with how she was being treated by her White husband's friends and family. Dr. Laura sat down with CHN at Sambo's Restaurant to discuss what she could have done differently and to ask the nation for forgiveness:

CHN: Going back to that call, what would you change if you could?

Dr. Laura: I probably should have refrained from saying the N -word 11 times in close repetition. When I say the N- word, I am referring to the word 'Nigger'. I will no longer be using that word ever ever ever again.

I think that the excitement I felt to finally have a jigaboo calling in to the program just had me all riled up; I really had a retarded moment. My mistake, my clear mistake, was to assume that the coon caller was an Aunt Jamima, you know - the Uncle Tom type. Unfortunately, she was a run of the mill porch monkey probably surrounded by other spooks and welfare funded tar babies all her life and... well, you know the kind.

CHN: Do you think that there is a way to reach out to the Black American community beyond the apology you have provided?

Dr. Laura: Those people are going to need to understand first and foremost that I am not a racist. My bodyguard and longtime friend is about 95% powder-burned himself. I mean, he looks like he just crawled out of the La Brea Tar Pits. As I already explained, he is a good basketball player, jumps high etc. He also scares people away because, let me tell you, he is one big darkie. But I see through that tough ebony skin; he is a sweetheart, a true jungle bunny inside.

Without me he would most likely be shining shoes or picking cotton... you know, whatever African Americans are up to these days.


CHN: Do you think that quoting 'HBO comics' as you said on the air was a fair way to engage a caller who had already explained her sensitivity and feelings of harassment by Whites?

Dr. Laura: I just couldn't apologize more on this. I think that the fact that Coloreds use the word 'nigger' regularly is an important issue. Nigger this, nigger that, nigger, nigger, nigger. We have an alligator bait president for the first time in our proud history. But for some reason, way beyond my understanding, that hasn't stopped the type of vitriol that we are seeing from both smoked Irishman and also a number of um.... smoked Irishman lovers.

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Gallop Poll Reveals That Pew Research Polls Are Retarded

Respondents Likened Quinnipiac To That Guy You Didn't Want To Talk To At The Wedding According To Women 18-35

Stamford, CT (CHN) With November midterm elections fast approaching Gallop released a new poll today showing that they are by far the best polling service and are 47% less gay than any recent releases by Survey USA.

An ABC News/Washington Post poll released later in the afternoon confirmed the findings about Survey USA's alleged homosexuality but rebuked the positive findings on Gallop. By a margin of 88% the ABC poll found that Gallop had a slightly smaller to significantly smaller penis than Rasmussen Reports, Bloomberg, and FOX News Polls who all had normal sized penis's but suffered from old man ball sweat smell when it mattered most.

Ipsos McClatchy published a supplementary finding that 62% (margin of error ±3%) of likely voters had made up their minds that the pollsters at CBS News/NY Times hadn't been honest with Americans about their wiping habits after crapping.

Just ahead of college football season Mason-Dixon Polling and Research underscored last years data with a new poll suggesting that only 18% of seniors gave a flying fuck about the USA Today Coaches Poll. Blacks and Latinos held the opposite view and responded overwhelmingly that the BCS was probably responsible for the murder of Jon-Benet Ramsey and had significant or total control of BP's deepwater drilling operations.

NPR had no comment as of press time, however, Zogby and CNN published conclusive data from nearly 8 billion respondents that NPR and Quinnipiac had never touched a girls boob.

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CHN: A Proud History

The Comedy Hub Network (CHN) Is Celebrating Our 148th Anniversary Again

Buttonwillow, CA - CHN Authors thank you letter to readers:

We have come a long way since our first post written on hardtack by Jeb Lee (Robert Lee's special cousin) back in 1861. Longtime readers know that CHN became a household name during the Grant administration as blogging software slowly improved from inscriptions in soft dirt to inscriptions in clay. But it wasn't until Ely Whitney's cotton gin was built that CHN became the news network that is so well know today. The now lost article entitled 'What Is A Cotton Gin' and the follow up article "What To Do With These Blacks' had circulation rivaling William Randolph Hearst.

During prohibition. CHN which was entirely a product derived from alcohol, fell into a deep slump. Articles such as 'Teapot Dome Say What' and 'Did You See Herbert Hoover Checking Out That Girls Butt' were low points. The Blog fell on hard times and was once again written and distributed on hardtack until 2006 when a Japanese Company producing Hi-Chews Candy accidentally signed a four year advertising contract. Since then new articles have been published here at The Comedy Hub Blogspot.

So, in celebration of our 148th year, here are the TOP 14.8 ARTICLES from 2010:

1. Dr. Laura Promises Not To Say 'Nigger' Ever Ever Again
2. Jake Sully: Hometree Downfall Was Due To Distractive 'Nip Slips'
3. Gay Community Begs Ricky Martin To Re-Enter Closet
4. 1992 'Dream Team' Wants Christian Laettner Removed From Roster
5. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms To Extend Jurisdiction To 'Hoe Bags'
6. GOP Secretly Replaces Health Care Bill W/Grey's Anatomy Script
7. Pre-Madonna No Longer Interested In Becoming Actual Madonna
8. Nation's Bullies Finalize Back To School Plans
9. Obama Shocks Nation, Announces Early Retirement
10. Obama A Possible Frontrunner for 2012
11. Waterpark Provides Likely Opportunity For 12 Year Old To See 1st 'Nip Slip'
12. Sniper Instructor Rewards Class With 'Boob Scope' Day
13. BP To Invest 'Some, Not All' of Escrow Account On Boy Band
14. Pelosi Blames Accelerated Spending On Toyota Brand Gavel
    

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