CHN: Obama Shocks Nation; Announces Early Retirement

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Obama Shocks Nation; Announces Early Retirement

Decision To Spend More Time With Family Not A Surprise To Insiders/Pollsters

Washington D.C. (CHN) - America awoke this morning to some unexpected news as Barack Obama has issued a personal statement via the White House website that he will be retiring effective immediately. The 44th President will become the first to cut his first term short for reasons other than death by assassination, pneumonia, gastroenteritis, or heart attack.

An anonymous source from the Administration said that Obama had asked everyone to try to work four times faster than the average administration and that he was hoping to complete his first 100 days in '20 days or so'.

Here is the official statement released to CHN via the President's Web Site:

My Fellow Americans,

About 18 months ago we promised to bring change to Washington and did we ever. 140 million Americans were worried about losing their jobs and now only 125 million are worried about losing their jobs thanks to the Stimulus package and massive layoffs. If the recovery continues at this pace; no American will need to worry about any job by 2021.

But there were some bumps along the way to be sure, the 13 months that it took us to get health care passed seemed to breeze right by for the American Public. However, for those of us here in the White House we had to work many a long night to implement the type of changes that might be understood someday by some sort of supercomputer far exceeding our current knowledge of computer capabilities.

Now it's time for a personal change for myself, Michelle, and our two daughters Malia and Sasha. Moving on now with the country in good hands will allow much more time for international travel with Michelle and the kids. It will also afford visits with Bart Stupak's family, Christy Romer's Family, Evan Bayh's family, Martha Coakley's family, Charlie Rangel's kids and grand kids, Maxine Watter's husband, Harry Reid and his people, and so many others that will have much more time on their hands come November. Folks like Barbara Boxer, Arlen Specter, Robin Carnahan, Russ Feingold, and Joe Sestak just to scratch the surface.

I realize that some folks will say that I'm retiring a little early; I would like to remind the press that I am a public employee and that the average retirement age for most Federal employees is about 45 years old thanks in part to my help in supporting public unions.

I cannot and will not entertain the debate that I am walking away in order to mitigate what appears to be a perfect political storm of unemployment, disillusionment with health care, deficits, the mosque, the Afghan war, my lawsuit against Arizona honkies, the Guantanamo thing, and an inchoate fear about the very ability of Americans to fight off scurvy. Rest assured, that Press Secretary Robert Gibbs will address those concerns in detail before he also retires next week.

For now, I will leave my forwarding address with our well groomed and energetic Vice President Joe Biden (who is rather well spoken and clean for an old white guy). I've already pretty much shown him where all the important stuff is at.

I am a man of change... a man by and for change of all kinds all the time. Sometimes I cut pennies in half just to fuel a sick personal belief that nothing is too diminutive to escape my wholesale assault on anything static.

For all of those speculating that I am freeing up time to run for President in 2012 or that I may be planning a return to my beloved Kenya to overthrow President Mwai Kibaki; I'll say what I've been saying all morning: we will make those decisions as a family after my exploratory committee reports back next month. Until then, may God Bless you, and may God Bless America.

In other retirement news, ESPN is reporting that Brett Favre, who recently committed to playing the 2010 season, has just retired once again so that he too could spend more time with the Obama children. Favre will also re-enroll at Southern Mississippi where he has been granted a 5th year of eligibility by the NCAA. Critics suggest that the Campus in Hattiesburg is far too close to the Gulf to expect a visit from any of the Obamas.