Dr. Laura Promises Not To Say 'Nigger' Ever Ever Again

Radio Host Is Super Apologetic

Santa Barbara, CA (CHN) - The media storm began on August 10th when nationally syndicated radio host Dr. Laura Schlessinger took a call from a Black American woman. The caller was upset with how she was being treated by her White husband's friends and family. Dr. Laura sat down with CHN at Sambo's Restaurant to discuss what she could have done differently and to ask the nation for forgiveness:

CHN: Going back to that call, what would you change if you could?

Dr. Laura: I probably should have refrained from saying the N -word 11 times in close repetition. When I say the N- word, I am referring to the word 'Nigger'. I will no longer be using that word ever ever ever again.

I think that the excitement I felt to finally have a jigaboo calling in to the program just had me all riled up; I really had a retarded moment. My mistake, my clear mistake, was to assume that the coon caller was an Aunt Jamima, you know - the Uncle Tom type. Unfortunately, she was a run of the mill porch monkey probably surrounded by other spooks and welfare funded tar babies all her life and... well, you know the kind.

CHN: Do you think that there is a way to reach out to the Black American community beyond the apology you have provided?

Dr. Laura: Those people are going to need to understand first and foremost that I am not a racist. My bodyguard and longtime friend is about 95% powder-burned himself. I mean, he looks like he just crawled out of the La Brea Tar Pits. As I already explained, he is a good basketball player, jumps high etc. He also scares people away because, let me tell you, he is one big darkie. But I see through that tough ebony skin; he is a sweetheart, a true jungle bunny inside.

Without me he would most likely be shining shoes or picking cotton... you know, whatever African Americans are up to these days.


CHN: Do you think that quoting 'HBO comics' as you said on the air was a fair way to engage a caller who had already explained her sensitivity and feelings of harassment by Whites?

Dr. Laura: I just couldn't apologize more on this. I think that the fact that Coloreds use the word 'nigger' regularly is an important issue. Nigger this, nigger that, nigger, nigger, nigger. We have an alligator bait president for the first time in our proud history. But for some reason, way beyond my understanding, that hasn't stopped the type of vitriol that we are seeing from both smoked Irishman and also a number of um.... smoked Irishman lovers.

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