David Stern Pre-Schedules Game 7 Overtime

First Automatic Overtime In NBA Finals History Scheduled For Tonight

Los Angeles (CHN): Commissioner David Stern has given the thumbs up for NBA league officials to schedule 4 automatic overtimes for tonight's game 7 between the Los Angeles Lakers and Boston Celtics. Insiders have reported that TV revenues were way off because of World Cup Coverage and several sweeps during the early rounds of the playoffs. Stern told CHN earlier today that the "NBA does not make scheduling and game formats based on profits; do you realize we own the WNBA?"


The game will begin with two 5 minute overtime periods prior to the first quarter tipoff. All four quarters will be played as usual; an elongated halftime program will included a shootout between recently injured Kendrick Perkins and Lakers assistant coach "Tex" Winter.

The final two overtimes will be played following the fourth quarter, the first is scheduled for 7 minutes or first to 200 points whichever occurs 2nd. The last overtime is being described as an additional 5 game serious between the Cleveland Cavaliers and 1992 Olympic Dream Team anchored by Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson.

The Dream Team has recently announced that it has cut Christian Laettner and has yet to replace him. Assistant Coach Lenny Wilkins spoke on behalf of a dead Chuck Daley by saying "I hope Lebron is ready for a well rested Scottie Pippen and Clyde Drexler".

(CHN) The Comedy Hub Network.
Go Lakers!

SNL, 5 Classic Commercial Parodies

NBC has done a remarkable job of search and destroy in regard to its epic run of commercials and their ability to be found anywhere online. Many of the best parodies can not be found anywhere and reside deep inside Lorne Michaels puckered asshole. Schmidt's Gay, Steve Martin's All Natural Penis Beauty Cream and Nikey Turkey (Chris Rock's finest moment) can not be found online, but the following 5 are indeed some of the best of the rest.

If you are willing to suffer through the misery of a short ad... Stop reading, hit play:

The Love Toilet



Bad Idea Jeans



Little Chocolate Donuts

Cluckin Chicken

Bug Off

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Around the World in 600 seconds...

7-15-10 (CHN)

Tonight the President will speak to the nation about how he hopes to cheer up workers at BP and thank them for their honesty, attention to detail, and clean up efforts (which are most likely complete by now). Investors are hopeful that Mr. Obama will disclose a comprehensive plan to not only stall clean energy sources but to offer support for lagging BP stock prices.


CHN sports now predicts a 4-0 warm-up victory for the North Korean Soccer team who will kickoff its 2010 World Cup run against a largely unknown Brazilian team that is assumed to be underfed and perhaps pre-occupied with recent geopolitical strife back home. It is assumed that the well-endowed bootys of the North Korean women fans will distract the Brazilian players into one or more 'own goals'.


Joran Van Der Sloot has hired a new attorney after his former counsel quit the case. The new attorney, coordinated with the help of Arubian officials, is a 20 year old spring breaker from Tucson, AZ who is on her summer vacation in Peru. Van Der Sloot will meet privately with her in an undisclosed holding cell later this week.



General David Petraeus just passed out during testimony at the Capital. Pentagon officials blame a low defense budget that has forced the military to dilute orange juice with water and to aim more carefully when shooting people to avoid wasted ammo. An aide for the General said that he most likely was just freaked out from looking at John McCain's face up close.

(CHN) Around The World in 600 Seconds is brought to you by 'Slow Readers of America'

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Phil Jackson Measured For 11th Ring...

David Stern Forced To Oblige Ancient NBA Bylaws For Unprecedented Fitting

Los Angeles (CHN) - Phil Jackson is charting a new course en route to a historic 11th championship. Currently, Jackson is tied in the NBA record books with Celtic Legend Red Auerbach with 10 Titles. The possibility of Jackson reaching #11 had NBA Commissioner David Stern in private meetings all week attempting to reconcile where exactly Jackson would be fitted for his 11th ring.

CHN has learned that NBA Bylaws (which are not public) have indeed accounted for the possibility of an 11th championship; Phil Jackson will be pre-measured for the first ever 'NBA Championship Cock Ring' later this week.

An anonymous source disclosed that Stern had made several attempts to amend the historic NBA script to allow for a bracelet or necklace to be used in place of the penile charm. However, several votes from owners and the players association have failed to reach the two-thirds majority needed for a rule change.

The cock ring requirement appears to stem all the way back to 1881 when Dr. James Naismith invented the game of basketball. At the time Naismith published the original '13 Rules of Basketball'; many of the concepts were based on the ancient Mayan game of 'pok-a-tok' and the Aztec 'Tchlatchli'. Years later when Naismith was consulted on the development of the first professional basketball league it appears that he may have simply glossed over unlikely scenarios (such as an 11th championship) by hastily copying the Jewish rules of Brit Milah involving circumcision.

Jackson will undergo a penile inspection and measurement this week according to Lakers Owner Jerry Buss. Sources indicate that the Bylaws will require Jackson to have a circumcision completed by a league approved Rabbi, even if he has already had one in the past. Once the Rabbi is finished the championship cock ring will be installed and allowed to heal permanently to the penis. Jackson's longtime girlfriend Jeanie Buss has requested that smooth gems be utilized instead of the 'less than pleasurable' previous 10 rings, of which require removal prior to fisting.

In an effort to get ahead of the news cycle, David Stern has pre-announced that a 12th NBA Championship Ring consists of a sapphire butt-plug. Magic Johnson was overheard at the news conference offering to help "anyway possible" should Jackson reach #12.

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Pre-Madonna No Longer Interested In Becoming Actual Madonna

Arizona Teenager Cites Skeletal Face and Ravaged Vagina As Primary Concerns

Tucson, AZ (CHN): As a child she grew up singing 'Like A Virgin' and 'Material Girl', but now 19 year old Kathryn Cross has changed her tune and has confirmed that for the very first time she no longer yearns to be America's Queen of pop music.

"I think that all young girls are dreamers; we all love a fairly tale and the concept of fame and glamor," said the recent East Point High School graduate. "I guess as I got older I sort of lost the inner desire to become one of histories most notorious hoe bags; all the while slipping into a cycle of religious confusion, anorexia, and kidnapping". Cross affirms that she's 'now thinking pharmacist'.

According to friends, Kathryn's Pre-Madonna status began to wane as she ritualistically counted the legions of men*(see footnote) who have annihilated Madonna's hump hole(s).

Now as a confirmed 'former Pre-Madonna', Ms. Cross has agreed to simply be satisfied with a future of sex on the 3rd date resulting in a series of multi-year dysfunctional relationships prior to pussy whipping a guy (with a job) into marital submission by age 29.

Un-named sources say that goals of being a neighborhood MILF later in life are just a pipe-dream when considering her mothers chicken neck and varicose veins.

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*Dennis Rodman, Susan Seidelman, Jim Goddard, Charles Barkley, Jose Canseco, James Soley, Brian Shaw, Geraldo, Sean Penn, Guy Ritchie, Howard Bookner, Warren G, Penny Marshall, Uli Edeo, Able Ferrara,Wilt Chamberlain, Stephen Bray, JFK Jr., Jean-Michel Basquiat, Lenny Kravitz, Will and Grace, David Letterman, Benicio Del Toro, Jason Statham, Alan Parker, Elizabeth Taylor, Antonio Banderas, Spike Lee, Aiden Quinn, Mark Kamis, Sally Jesse Raphael, Don Mattingly, LL Cool J, Stephen Jon Lewicki, Harold Becker, Jellybean Benitez, Warren Beatty, Dario Casalini, Tony Ward, Tony Bennet, John Enos III, Arsenio Hall, Jamie Jungers, Rosie O'Donnell, Geena Davis, Sandra Bernhard, Carlos Leon, Bel Biv Devoe, Harvey Keitel, William 'The Refrigerator' Perry, Ted Dansen, Kenny Rogers, David Duke, John Schlesinger, Christian Laettner, David Blaine, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Al Pacino, Vanilla Ice, 1999 Chicago Bulls, Carlos Leon, ALF, A-Rod, Tom Brokaw, Viewers of Evita, Six People Who Know Kevin Bacon, Several men in the Erotica Music Video, Greta Garbo and Monroe, Deitrich and DiMaggio, Marlon Brando, Jimmy Dean, Grace Kelly, Harlow, Jean-Picture of a beauty queen, Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, dance on air, They had style, they had grace, Rita Hayworth gave good face, Lauren, Katherine, Lana too, Bette Davis, we love you, Ladies with an attitude, Fellows that were in the mood... (list heavily truncated due to CHN server limitations)

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Ahmadinejad: Iranian Basketball Team Too Powerful To Play Western Foes

Any Basketball Team Sent To Iran Would Be Quickly Crushed

Tehran, Iran (CHN) -- Iran's National Basketball Team is so powerful today that no country would dare challenge it, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Sunday during an annual athletic parade.

"Iran's basketball defenses are so mighty that no enemy should even have a thought of scoring against our 1-2-2 match-up zone or our man to man full court trap," said the Iranian leader through state media. "Of course, Iran is a friend and brother of regional and independent basketball teams and it wants parody, progress, and athletic prowess for all countries," Ahmadinejad said.

During the event near the Ayatollah Khomeini Mr Pibb Center, several players specializing in long-range three point capabilities were on display including the 'Tehranian Treymaster' Mehdi Rahmati.

American intelligence suggests that all games and practices are held in the Mr. Pibb Ayatollah Khomeini Center. The state run media in Tehran has reported that a test game is being planned in the Straits of Hormuz later this month. The opponent has been a well guarded secret, however Russian athletes have been spotted by U.S. satellites and are believed to be slowly moving into the area.

Geo-athletic sports writers believe that Ahmadinejad's increasingly hostile rhetoric against Western basketball teams was fomented after being snubbed for NBA playoff tickets following multiple requests to NBA Jew Commissioner David Stern.

The hard line leader slammed Western teams and coaches for what he called hypocritical and dangerous game plans that can only lead to general basketball proliferation. He said the United Basketball Nations and the International Olympic Committee were ineffective because they were dominated by a few teams that all had a proclivity to transfer game strategy and Nike Air Jordans to Israel.

President Obama has been pressing the U.N. Athletic Council to slap Iran with tougher sanctions for its ominous basketball ambitions. Iran says that its sports program is intended for peaceful civilian purposes only.

In a public letter to Ahmadinejad, Obama told the Iranian Leader that if the Iranian Basketball Team was sent to Israel for any reason that the U.S. would immediately strike back with the 1992 Olympic Dream, widely considered the best basketball team of all time.

Ahmadinejad, unfazed by the threat, told state media that as long Christian Laettner and Chris Mullin were still on the 'Dream Team' that the Iranian Government would have no hesitation sending its squad to any gymnasium in the world.

It has been long thought that Iran has purchased balls, uniforms, and other equipment from Russia and North Korea. Iranian Leaders have argued that the basketball buildup has always been to defend against foreign teams who may have 'huge black players that might invade the lane and dunk on our fucking faces'. As of press time those comments could not be confirmed by any huge black players.

The Comedy Hub Network (CHN). 2010
The only blog profiteering from the Icelandic Volcano

More like this from (CHN):

1992 'Dream Team' Wants Christian Laettner Removed From Roster

Marines lose confidence in Obama's ability to recognize 2-3 zone defense

33% of U.S. Strategic Oil Reserve Found to be Simple Molasses.

Pelosi Blames Accelerated Spending On Toyota Brand Gavel

Runaway Budget Deficit Has Increased 388% Under The Japanese Produced Hammer

Washington D.C. (CHN) - Nancy Pelosi, the first woman speaker of the House, took over the podium in 2006 after a sweeping mid-term victory by House and Senate Democrats. Pelosi promised that business as usual would change and that there would be "No new deficit spending, no new bridges to nowhere, and no heaping mountains of debt piled on our children".

But the past four years share little resemblance to that original fiscal promise as record breaking Congressional spending has sped the deficit to staggering all time highs.

Pelosi answered critics earlier this week after bringing down her gavel on Health Care Legislation that many think will create further out of control spending that could crash the U.S. Economy.

"This gavel just takes off; sometimes there are legislative sessions and votes taken that I am powerless to stop," said a frustrated Pelosi.

Toyota has admitted the malfunction and has finally issued a recall on the Speaker's gavel. Toyota officials were quick to argue that the failure is isolated and OK'd continued pounding with all other models.

The gavel in question was built in the Fort Branch, Indiana plant in 2005. Recently, another gavel from that factory is reported to have malfunctioned in a San Antonio District Courtroom. Judge Hirum Windsel told CHN last Friday that "he brought his courtroom to order 375 times and rendered 820 decisions prior to taking 36 lunch recesses'. While he was very satisfied with his courtrooms efficiency, he is scheduled to have an MRI done on his right hand for possible stress fractures.

Additional concerns have been raised about the newly designed 'hybrid gavels'. The hybrid models generate kinetic energy from each strike and store the energy to operate a completely concealed Pez dispenser. Claims of projectile Pez have been brushed aside by Toyota management as operator error.

(CHN) The Comedy Hub Network, 2010,
The Only Blog That Supported Slavery North of The Mason-Dixon Line.

Local Man Ready To Begin Farting Around New Girlfriend

Waiting Too Long Could Give Her A False Sense of Security Says Glendale Native

Azusa, CA (CHN)- Chase Daniels 36, has been on the dating scene since his 2nd divorce last July and over the past 9 months he has dated several women while working long hours at the West Covina Cemex Industrial Plant. "Southern California girls are different," explained Daniels to 22 year old cement mix engineer Michael Torres (and anyone else within earshot).

"Put them in their place early on and it is smooth sailing." He continued, "You wait too long for your first butt bark; well my friend, it just may be your last".

Daniels may not be classically educated in relationship counseling and has never completed any sort of academic evaluation of male/female behavior. Even so, he suggests that the best time for exposure to 'fanny tooting' is within the first two weeks of meeting a 'keeper'.

Experts generally agree that being yourself around your partner is an important achievement for all new couples.

"We find that men are often confused in regard to when they should take certain important steps" reported relationship guru Ralph Festerson. Festerson disclosed the following calendar to help men make the right moves at just the right time:

Date 1: Slight burp after dinner followed by "Pardon Me"
Date 2: Meet for drinks and ask if she has ever done anal
Date 3: Eat something that fell on the floor or that you found in the car
Date 4: Advise on upcoming football schedule
Date 5: Bite toe nails if applicable
Date 6: Discuss the pros and cons of lesbian porn
Date 7: Silent but deadlys all night, Pee in the sink, her place (bathroom only)
Date 11: Shitting with bathroom door ajar
Date 12: Revert back to three showers per week
Date 13: First audible ass-blast during sex
Date 14: Smell your fingers after you scratch your balls
Date 15: Make it clear that she needs to get and pay for breast implants
Date 16: Allow yourself to be seen picking your nose just moments after scratching balls
Date 17: Peeing in the sink (kitchen)
Date 20: Regular farting during sex, include 'death poots' and 'gurglers'
Date 22: Announce the cessation of foreplay because of a work injury
Date 23: Stop all exercise / discuss her moving in to help pay rent
Date 24: Conveniently leave out your old college shit bucket in the living room
Date 24: (later) Utilize shit bucket during a movie she picked out
Date 24: (moments later) Leverage no shit bucket if you pick out all movies
Date 27: Ask her what type of stuff she is interested in
Date 31: Slowly ease the shit bucket back into the living room (disguise with plant)
Date 33: Deliver Strawberry Shortcake, repeat as necessary
Date 34: Propose marriage while your fists are visibly clenched
Wedding night: Introduce her to that slut from high school that will do anybody

Festerson admits that some items on the list are not set in stone and may need to be adjusted forward or backward depending on how she is responding and what you have eaten for dinner. The short and skinny according to Festerson: "All in all just remember to take one step at a time and install keyboard tracking software so that you can log in to her Facebook page; the little stuff will take care of itself".

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