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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

He-Man Finally Admits Inappropriate Relationship With Battle Cat 'Cringer'

"Couldn't take the Curious Stares Any Longer"
by: Victoria Wells, CHN Celebrity Report. 12:45 PM PST.

PALM SPRINGS, CA- After a quarter century of speculation, He-Man (Prince Adam of Eternia), has come forward to admit a 30 year love affair with his trusted companion, Cringer the Battle Cat. He spoke openly from his Palm Springs retirement home in hopes of supporting others too afraid to come into the open with their large cat relationships.

"It's not that I was born a gay cat lover; my parents (King Randor and Queen Marlena) raised me in a stable home free from large gay cats that might of taken advantage of me", stated the blond muscleman. "It's just that how long can one ride bareback on a green tiger with nothing more than a loincloth between you and he before... well, sometimes things just happen - I would prefer to leave it at that."

Staff and Associates at the Grayskull Castle responded with a mix of surprise, shock, and acceptance after getting a Twitter update from He-Man just before he went public with the story to national media earlier today.

Long time barber Terry Martin says he never saw it, "I understand the attraction once Cringer has been transformed to "Battle Cat" but otherwise I'm like umm...really He-Man???

Martin is referring to the transition that both Prince Adam and Cringer partake in when trouble arises and superhuman strength is needed. With a raise of his magic sword (not a penis metaphor) Adam chants: "By the power of Grayskull...I HAVE THE POWER!!!" Soon after it is widely believed that he becomes 'the most powerful man in the universe'. He immediately points his sword at Cringer (still not a penis metaphor) and shoots him with his sword (not a money shot metaphor). As a magic bolt of lightening from the sword strikes Cringer in the face, the shy and lazy feline instantly turns into the courageous Battle Cat.

"You know, I never suspected a thing until Episode 84 "Fraidy Cat", said Orko, He-Mans small alien sidekick and longtime confidant. "Late in that episode Cringer was instrumental in finding the correct route to save the Queen from Skeletor's minions so that she could safely come home to Eternia. I think prior to that Cringer was just too submissive to be He-Man's type. Anyone who really knows He-Man will tell you that he likes a strong independent cat that's not afraid to show some teeth once in a while. That's why I for one am not surprised at today's announcement; I just think it was time to come out with it", stated Orko in relief.

"Yeah, I'm not surprised one bit" said Jorge Sandoval who was a cook at Castle Grayskull for 5 months in 1984. "I saw them fucking (missionary) behind the dumpster 6 or 7 times".

For his part, Skeletor had already been on record several times in the past with bestiality accusations concerning Prince Adam/ He-Man. However, because Skeletor and all of his associates are listed as 'Evil', district attorneys refused to bring the case forward figuring it was just another far fetched scheme to take over Grayskull Castle.

As to why he didn't come forward sooner with the relationship, He-Man simply said: "I didn't want parents to stop buying their young boys the inflatable bounce cat (pictured right). Since leaving Eternia in 1992, it's really the only source of income I have", admitted a somber but sexually satisfied He-Man as he gently stroked an aging but mindful Battle Cat in full garb.

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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Craigslist Ad for Roommate Results in Nothing but Trouble

Local Man Wonders Why God Would Punish Him This Way
by: Melissa Lauren 8:25 Am Est
Comedy Hub Staff Writer

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, CA: Charles Jackson's ad for a roommate on Craig's List last month was simple, straight forward, and has netted him nothing but trouble. Ad Responder Priya Raye seemed to be the perfect candidate when she stopped by to look at the room for rent at Mr. Jackson's Chatsworth apartment. She appeared clean, organized, and had excellent credit. Little did Charles know that Priya would be anything but a "good roommate".

Each morning Priya awoke and began a 2 hour yoga routine in the living room. Then after making Charles a healthy 3 course breakfast (which typically surpasses most of his nutritional needs by 10-15%) she would manage her charitable trust for the Make-A-Wish foundation which has returned 18 million dollars since its 2002 inception. Although Charles applauds the positive intent of the fund, he has told friends that "her speculation in commodities is exactly what's wrong with this country". Mr. Jackson refuses to confirm that he has notified the SEC multiple times concerning Ms. Raye's unusual investment success.

Charles has a self described trusting personality and hammers that point home on his blog www.myroomateisevil.blogspot.com . Regardless, he felt he had no choice but to install a hidden camera in the living room to find out just what else Ms. Raye might be doing in their apartment while he was working his part time shift at the Sherman Oaks Galleria Radio Shack. Mr. Jackson retained real estate attorney Jason Rosenburg for help. "Charles has been my most consistent client" says Rosenburg, "In 2006 sixty five percent of my cases were evictions of Mr. Jackson housemates". In preparation for the eviction of Ms. Raye, Charles documented her daily routine:

10:30 AM-11:45: Hosts a free sewing club for disabled seniors (in complete violation of the maximum occupancy limits as detailed in the lease)

11:45 AM-12noon: light stretching with revealing clothes on. (as visible on the security cam)

12noon-1:30 PM: Makes sandwiches for area homeless (most likely used some of my Trader Joe's Spicy Mustard after she ran out of her mustard.... did not replace my bottle for two days.)

1:45-3:45: Teaches a course "how to give the perfect blow job" to local city college students.

4:00-5:30: Prepares an organic turkey pot pie surely thinking it's my favorite - but its not; as of Tuesday my favorite is chicken pot pie.

7:00 - Offers me a back massage which I know is meant to distract me from various lease violations. I once again refuse the insulting gesture.

8:15-8:20: Interrupts Episode 4, Season 2 of "Lost" twice to ask me if her new swimsuit is too revealing.

9:oo- 10:00: Prances from her room to the kitchen in lingerie for light snacks and water.

10pm-midnight: Three scantily clad barely legal teens arrive with cheerleader uniforms on and join Priya in her private quarters. All of the girls take turns yelling out: "I hope that no one opens the door and catches us being naughty". This is just more evidence that something naughty is likely happening.

"I've had to evict my last 11 roommates, I mean is there a normal human left on this earth"? Still Charles admits to holding out hope that eventually he will find someone who is good fit for his 1385 sq. foot apartment, "I've never been a quitter; that's not how I won the 2003 model rocket regional tournament and that's not how I'm going to approach finding the right roommate.... or prepping for the 2010 model rocket regional tournament.

The inappropriate behavior has only become worse with the warm weather according to Jackson. New complaints just turned in to Mr. Jackson's attorney indicate that Priya regularly washes her car and Mr. Jackson's car while wearing nothing more that a white tank top and bikini bottoms. Additionally, without even asking, she outfitted Mr. Jackson's 1992 Toyota Corolla with a hydrogen fuel cell that emits 0 carbon.

"Although Priya did extensive testing on the Hydrogen Fuel Cell she did not account whatsoever for any reduction in vehicle weight from the removal of the original gas engine. As a model rocket enthusiast I know that weight plays an important role in vehicles performance. Let's just say that I have sent some interesting information to Toyota Motor Corp. concerning Ms. Raye's unauthorized work; I'm just sayin is all" stated Jackson.

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Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Joe Jackson Wins Custody; Debuts "Jackson 3"

Trio to 'Honor' Michael's Upcoming London Tour Dates
by: Mandy Westgate , CHN Hollywood Minute, 10:45 AM PST

LOS ANGELES: A high stakes custody battle between Jackson's parents and Debbie Rowe has finally been resolved out of court according to a Jackson family representative. The three children (Prince Michael, 12; Paris Michael Katherine, 11; and Prince Michael II (blanket), 7) have been with their grandparents since Michael's death on June 25th.

Joe and Katherine Jackson want to raise the children with 'love and guidance'. Additionally, they have disclosed that each child will receive a $7.00 per week allowance which is equivalent to what Michael made when he was their age, albeit after 3 platinum singles and several years of 'whippins'.

Early feedback from America's newest pop group has varied widely. Their sound so far is likened to both Hansen and Alvin and The Chipmunks. Simon, one of three lead vocalists from the aforementioned animated group, was asked about the comparison to the 'Jackson 3' by CHN and replied "Bull Fucking-Shit" in a sped-up baritone voice.

Jermaine Jackson has already gone public with his anger that he has not been asked to perform in the group; telling multiple sources that Blanket's back-up vocals are atrocious.

"It's unclear if these kids will need to be disciplined the same way I unmercifully beat their father and the others" said Joe Jackson to a handful of reporters just hours after the King of Pop had been laid to rest. "I think it's different for each child; my 9 children all needed harsh systematic beatings, various types of sexual abuse, and lifelong battles with me over proceeds from their artistic work as minors".

"We can only pray that these three respond in much the same way", concluded Joe with a sheepish smile as he lightly stroked a giant wooden paddle behind his back.

AEG Live, Michael's promoter for the pending tour, has stated that refunds are clearly not necessary now that the 'Jackson 3' will be available for the entirety of the London concert series. "We wont be charging ticket holders any additional money for getting two more Jackson's than originally planned" stated AEG on their website.

Final details of the custody agreement are not expected to be made public. Speculation from a close friend of Debbie Rowe's revealed that a deal was likely struck allowing Rowe to take all proceeds from an upcoming interview between Diane Sawyer and Bubbles the Chimp. Also, a 25 million dollar payout was made to Rowe.

Rowe, pictured right in a black shirt which portrays three wolves howling to the moon not unlike three motherless children, might be seizing her final opportunity to sell or profit from the two children that she crapped out under contract in 1997 and 1998 respectively.

Rowe's attorney, did not entirely agree; "When Joe and Katherine Jackson die we will get one more shot at a payday; we just want what's best for the children" said Almli, as she winked at her driver to close the bullet proof windows of her Mercedez-Benz Maybach which was being towed by a separate Maybach so that the sound of the motor could not be heard in her Maybach.

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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Waterpark Provides Likely Opportunity For 12 Year Old To See 1st 'Nip Slip'

Focus Will Center On Final Turn Of 'The Vortex" Thanks To Information From Jake Conners
by: Tarren Aanika, CHN SoCal Edition

San Dimas, CA (CHN): Jimmy Sayers woke up Saturday morning and jumped out of bed with excitement; today just might be 'The Day'. After all, it's summer break (FDR middle school let out on Friday) and the first item on the summer agenda is Raging Waters Adventure Park. Jimmy and close friend Martin Rivera will be getting a ride from Martin's mom for what should be a day they will never forget. A day, that if successful, will result in multiple bikini 'nip slips'; all within the carefully focused eyes of two 12 year old boys.

Jimmy spoke openly to CHN about his summer vacation plans, "It's been really hard because Martin already had his first nip slip three weeks ago at Jessica Davenport's birthday party... I guess Maria Ochoa jumped off the diving board and tried to do a swan dive" said Jimmy with a painful expression as he shook his head from side to side. He continued, "I couldn't make it because of a stupid soccer tournament." But Jimmy now has good reason to think that his time had come. "Martin and I were sitting behind 8th graders Jake Conners and Rudy Martinez in the cafeteria last Thursday, we heard a lot of suff." Jimmy paraphrased the conversation for CHN:

"You just don't see chicks' nipples by random chance; it's not that easy. You have to prepare and be ready. Everyone thinks the Flowrider 'Simulated Surf' machine is the best place, especially after Marty Booker said he saw four nip slips in just 42 minutes (One of them supposedly was Katie Perkins) but that's not the place to be; it's just not. Sure, bikini tops get jolted around on the Flowrider, but the girls expect it and always breach the surface of the water after already covering up and checking their tops. The Vortex, well that's another story. The final turn is a big surprise and all you want to do is pop up for air after you hit the landing tank; it can take up to a full second to check your suit after you get your balance. That's the spot, that's where we wait; we only leave to get corn dogs and churros. Marty Booker can have the Flowrider." -Jake Conners, 8th grader

"Raging Waters is a three park franchise in California" says Dale Freeport, 52 year old Raging Waters General Manager. "As to your question specifically, yeah it's a right of passage; that's pretty much why we're here" said Freeport. "I'll never forget my first; it was Sally Stromeyer at Wild Water Adventures in St. Louis. Let's just say that by the next summer I had a part time job at Wild Water and pretty much was hooked in this industry ever since. I moved to California in 1981 because Tommy Reynolds said he had never seen so many hot girls just waiting for their tops to be jerked free by a wave pool at 'Wild Rivers' down in Irvine. In regard to the Vortex; Yeah word is getting around. Frankly, I recommend coming back next summer when we re-open 'Neptune's Fury'. It's been upgraded to 36,000 gallons per minute of nip slipping water pressure. Just to be clear guys - I'm totally focused on the occasional MILF that comes through with her daughter, I'm no perv."

As of press time, Jimmy Sayers had not reported back in regard to any possible success at the Vortex landing pool. His mom says that after he got home he has pretty much been in his room and wont even come out for the Mac and Cheese she made for him.

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Monday, June 8, 2009

Schwarzenegger explores Non-Conventional Options To Close CA Budget

Protracted Budget Crisis Leaves Governor and State Legislature with Few Viable Options
by: Rachelle Vicente-Dias CHN Political Team. 3:45 PM PST

Sacramento, CA:
Following last months rejection of several revenue increasing ballot measures, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave his staff one clear goal: find ways to save the state money and fast.

CHN has obtained an email from an anonymous staffer who helped narrow the list down to the 20 proposals below that currently sit on the Governor's desk. Schwarzenegger has given fast track to the following:

1. Consider the offer by Long John Silver's to buy naming rights to the entire state for 16.5 million.
2. Tax Free Cigarettes to be sold to spotted owls in exchange for access to valuable old growth forests.
3. No cop Thursdays.
4. The four guys that stand around while one guy works on all California road and transportation projects will be cut to just four guys standing around.
5. Salary laden public school administrative jobs will be entirely eliminated; no change expected to test scores.
6. "Prevailing Wage" labor rates to be dropped from all State projects in favor of "whatever rate that Mexican will do it for".
7. San Diego beaches to be dug up and shipped to Missouri in exchange for "Show Me State" motto; expected revenue increases described as 'sentimental' .
8. Will temporarily allow USC football team to play in the NFL.
9. Asks California poultry farmers to look really, really hard for a 'golden goose'.
10. Yosemite National Park to be dynamited/burned (savings to budget still unclear)
11. Formal review to determine cost effectiveness of fire trucks vs. the 'bucket system'.
12. Find out what happened with that check that was supposed to come from the Nigerian Oil Minister's cousin.
13. Order Coast Guard to carefully search for additional islands... warns that he is already aware of Baja California.
14. Asks Cal Berkley economists to get him an honest assessment of the value of ocean water.
15. Announce a 2nd gold rush. Details TBA.
16. Remaster 'Conan The Barbarian' to Blu-Ray. Donate all proceeds to the ailing Department of Sanitation which has been over-run with discarded VHS, laser-disc, and DVDs from Schwarzenegger films for over 25 years.
17. DMV workers to write parking tickets during 'enhanced' 2 hour lunch break.
18. Post office employees encouraged to 'Give a Damn' (even though this is a federal obligation the staff felt it should be included).
19. Expand 'Gas Tax' to include farting.
20. Or forget ideas 1-19 and solve the states fiscal crisis by having the 600,000 incarcerated illegal immigrants replace the 600,000 non-incarcerated illegal immigrants who currently provide for the States Agricultural labor.

(Footnotes: If the public becomes angry, unveil the giant laser that we have been working on; everybody loves lasers)

Additionally, the governor and the state legislature have agreed that because the state is likely to begin defaulting on bond payments and therefore likely to go bankrupt by December that the "Golden State" moniker will have to be replaced with 'The Gold-ish Region South of Oregon but not necessarily Mexico".

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Saturday, June 6, 2009

Justice Department: Pedophiles Given 'OK' to Focus Attention on Miley Cyrus

Seventeen Year Old Pop Star Loses Juvenile Status; Legal Protections
by: Kylee Strutt. CHN Hollywood Minute. 3:45 PST

A non-publicized release last week from the Department of Justice has caused concern from child welfare advocates who believe they have found an 'unusual and inappropriate' ruling that should be reversed. The decision, discovered through the 'Freedom of Information Act', forced spokespeople at the Justice Department to defend against a flurry of complaints.

At focus are official documents from the private meeting stating that the likelihood of a true pedophile being interested in or pursuing Miley Cyrus was statistically impossible for the following reasons:
1. Lack of access to Miley Cyrus by most sex criminals.
2. She could pass for 19 or 20 easy (not a Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen situation).
3. She has a knack to work her way out of any plot twist you can throw at her.

Critics of Miley Cyrus adulthood suggest there was never any reason for the department to have obtained detailed information of Cyrus' vehicles, home address, personal phone numbers and Facebook password .

Attorney General Eric Holder had little choice but to comment publicly on the documents that seem to have been sent and approved in total from his Washington D.C. email address.

"The departments finding is totally consistent with our commitment to focus attention on pedophiles who unequivocally target children that have the classic underage look. This is commonly accented by pig tails, school uniforms, and whatever else Abigail Breslin from the movie Little Miss Sunshine might wear."

"In stark contrast we have concluded with certainty that Miley's mature demeanor, Reddish Brown free flowing hair, pouty lips, and ample bosom are the makings of a strong empowered woman and not a 17 year old girl as her birth certificate alleges." stated Holder.

During a second round of Capitol Hill press inquiries Holder gave further insight:

"While we don't bring our personal lives to work I have to say that I did enjoy attending a recent concert that I took my 13 year old niece to. I saw no pervs at her performance or anywhere outside of her concert bus (where we had tried to grab a quick autograph). Everything was in good order with her security staff . We didn't get that autograph... I'm sure Miley has to decompress after a big show and probably take a bath or something. I just want to reiterate that I did not see any creepy pedophile types anywhere in the area"

Holder, who was running 20 minutes late for his scheduled testimony concerning the release of Guantanamo Bay detainees, left Capitol Hill reporters with one last comment: "I just think that it's strange that the media is making such a big deal out of this opinion from our department... I mean we issue hundreds of opinions each week." He continued, "Don't get me wrong- she's a pure talent, I mean the lyrics to'fly on the wall' are just awesome and I hear that she wrote those herself." After a long awkward pause Holder closed his eyes, took a contemplative breath and began singing:

You'd love to know the things I do
When I'm with my friends and not with you
You always second guess, wonderin'
If there's other guys I'm flirtin' with
You should know by now

If you were my boyfriend, I'd be true to you
If I make a promise, I'm comin' through
Don't you wish that you could
See me every second of the day
That way you would have no doubt
That baby I would never change

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Wednesday, June 3, 2009

LAX Unveils Nations Largest Mall Between Arrival Gates and Baggage Claim

Shopping and Soft Frozen Lemonade Tapped to Stem Passengers Anxiety
by: Tarren Aanika, CHN Travel Advisor. 4:40 PM PST.

The opportunity to take advantage of the country's slowest baggage service was finally realized by Los Angeles International Airport when it cut the ribbon on 3.2 miles of retail stores and fast food kiosks between arrival gates and the baggage claim. "We still have the same problem of just being really really... really slow and generally inept with the process of transferring luggage to the automatic conveyor belts" said LAX Board Member Rasheeda Brown as she surveyed the fruit toppings at one of the four Pink Berry's now open between terminals 3 and 5. "But hey, whats five more minutes when airline travelers get to enjoy a Chimichanga from El Cholo Express while they try to find a sign that might direct them towards their baggage and an eventual exit to the outside world."

A 2008 survey by Consumer Reports indicated that the average baggage transfer time at U.S. Airports stood at 16 minutes and that LAX baggage didn't reach passenger for an astounding 84 minutes. LAX Public Relations Adviser Herb Wennerstrom argues that the poll was flawed because the survey included the 6% of all passengers that gave up and left the claim area because they had a connecting flight or tight schedule. "If you are here for 70 or 80 minutes and can't wait just 20 to 30 more minutes for your luggage then good riddance; we didn't need your business anyway" reported Wennerstrom via the new Blackberry Storm that he was checking out over at the Verizon store near Gate 73c.

(L-R) Britney Spears, LAX Rep. Rasheeda Brown, and Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa turn on the lights to the 16 acre ice rink centered above the Alaska Airlines Express Check In Service. The rink will also double as the home floor for both the Lakers and Clippers who will play simultaneous home games as fans watch from the food court outside of Bloomingdales.

The mall's revenue is expected to help the airport deal with a slower economy and the high cost of Federal Security Requirements. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is expected to promote all Fridays and Sundays as "Shop at the Airport Day(s)". However, all Shoppers will be required to pass through the same federal security checkpoints as ticketed passengers who are waiting to depart. "It will be well worth the extra time; where else in LA can you find a Pizza Hut Express and a Tiffany's in the same building just 4 escalators and 1.6 miles apart? Beat that JFK!!!" boasted Villaraigosa as he finished massaging his elbows with a lotion sample from Victoria's Secret.

"When we see people hurry off the plane after landing at LAX we just kind of wink at each other and try to hold back the laughter" admitted certified union baggage handler Colton Stingly. Stingley added, "People think we work really slow; what they don't realize is that we bust our butts to look through people's shit and then rip apart the zippers so that it looks like it got trapped in some strange machine that mangles stuff."

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