American Citizenry: Janet Napolitano Needs To Get Laid Really Bad

Taxpayers OK Cash For Dinner And Rough Sex At Local Ramada

File Photo of Napolitano Looking Depraved

Washington D.C. (CHN) - Janet Napolitano, America's 3rd Homeland Security Chief, is being given a pass today by U.S. Citizens following widespread public revolt over intrusive TSA screenings, a lackluster effort to close the U.S. border, and allowing an embarrassing wholesale release of American diplomatic secrets through the 'WikiLeaks' website.  

Although many Americans had concluded that Napolitano was horribly incompetent at her job; criticism waned after it slowly became clear that the security chief was the most sexually frustrated and sober woman in America.  

The Administration's Press Secretary Robert Gibbs asked that Americans stop sending alcohol, drugs, and various types of sex machines to Napolitano's office.  Gibbs told the Washington Press Corps on Monday that bottles of tequila and vibrators have been flooding the capital's mail system since Napolitano demanded that American travelers be looked at naked or undergo a thorough groping prior to traveling.  

Gibbs made it clear that the President has heard the American people and that he (Obama) has authorized Napolitano to immediately engage in a 3-day weekend affair with 'some person already at the bar'.  Although the location and name of the bar has not been disclosed it is widely assumed to be the 'Meow Hole' just outside of Arlington, Virginia.

The President Gives An Executive Order for Napolitano To Get Nailed

Tulsa native Herb Mattos told a CHN reporter that he speaks for all Americans when saying: "We do not care if she is gay or straight, we don't care how she likes it or where, we need her to get shit faced and have some person or group of people give it to her as hard as possible for as long as possible... our treat".

Although the Napolitano situation is unusual, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton suffered from the same deficit for nearly 20 years (1989-2008) and only began to recover after being fucked by Barack Obama during the DNC primaries.

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Nation Really Tired of Watching Detroit Lions Play Once A Year

Historic Thanksgiving Event Wearing Thin For Football Fans

(CHN) Pontiac Silverdome - Inspired by the tremendous success and popularity of the Harlem Globetrotters, the NFL invented its own 'Washington Generals' out of second rate players for comedic purposes in 1929.  The so called 'Detroit Lions' have been entertaining fans ever since in their fruitless attempts to tackle and score touchdowns.  

Local Comedian Shaun Hill Will Be This Years QB

"It helped get us through the depression," admitted 86 year old Virgina Martin from Dearborn. She remembers an era when "They (automakers) would give everyone the day off to go watch the game; it was special to have our own team even for just one day a year."  

Current Detroit Lions owner William Ford Sr. says "It hasn't been the same now that we have to fly out autoworkers from South Korea to fill the stadium; but for folks who grew up here, we felt like we had our very own team".

 Tradition or not, football fans have turned sour on the once popular Thanksgiving day treat; many would rather watch two real NFL teams play each other in a sanctioned contest then to watch the same comedy of errors year in and year out. 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell admits that he has begun to consider pulling the plug on the once a year spectacle.  "Watching the Lions fall for the water in the bucket trick and seeing them frantically try to swipe at the ball as real NFL players taunt them is a valued tradition," said Goodell to CHN this morning.  "I do admit that it is expensive to maintain a parody NFL franchise in Detroit just so that they can play once per year; the economies of scale are forcing us to consider using two real NFL teams with official referees and rules."

The Attempt To Travel The Lions To Local Communities In the Early 90's Was A Ratings Disaster

The shakeup may be hardest on the Dallas Cowboys franchise.  Owner Jerry Jones has been grooming the team for several years to take over for the Lions because of the once bulletproof Thanksgiving day business plan.

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Links To The Top 15 Comedy Websites

Everyone has a list for their favorite comedy websites.  Here is a list based on polling of over 2500 people from our Facebook Group.  So, without further ado... here are the Top 15 Comedy Websites For Video, Captions, Articles, and Parody News:

15.  Gawker (www.gawker.com)
14.  Comedy Juice ( http://www.facebook.com/pages/Comedy-Juice/149512608426877)      

13.  Comedy Whirled (www.comedywhirled.com)

12.  The Superficial (www.thesuperficial.com)

11.  Adult Swim (www.adultswim.com)

10   The Soup (www.thesoup.com)

9.  The Brown Show (http://sarcasticgamer.com/wp/index.php/category/sarcastic-gamer/podcast/hud)

8.  College Humor (www.collegehumor.com)

7.  SNL (www.saturdaynight.live.com)

6.  Funny or Die (www.funnyordie.com)

5.  Comedy Central (www.comedycentral.com)

4.5 George Carlin (www.georgecarlin.tv/)

4.  Tosh.O (www.tosh.o.com)

3.  Cracked (www.cracked.com)

2.  The Onion (www.onion.com)

1.  CHN The Comedy Hub Network (www.comedyhub.blogspot.com)

If you would like to submit a site for the next vote please leave us the web address in the comment box and it will be entered for the next vote.  

Walker, Texas Ranger Goes 5-5 with 20 RBI

Chuck Norris Saves Rangers Season With Game 3 Heroics 

Arlington, TX (CHN) - After two going away losses in San Francisco the Texas Rangers needed a boost heading back home.  A boost is exactly what they got from Chuck Norris, aka Walker, Texas Ranger, during the Rangers 26 - 0 drubbing of the visiting Giants Saturday night.  

Norris, Refused To Use A Bat After The 5th Inning

"Norris was great for us tonight," said Texas Manager Ron Washington.  He continued, "After he hit his 4th consecutive grand slam in the 6th we knew he would come up big in his final at bat... I mean who could have expected that he would lay down the first ever infield 'inside the park' grand slam to finish the game."  

Washington then bowed his head and offered a sincere apology for the untimely deaths of Freddy Sanchez and Juan Uribe which occurred after Norris saw the 'sacrifice sign' in the bottom of the first inning with Ian Kinsler at the plate and a runner on first.  

Eventually it became clear that the San Francisco pitchers couldn't solve the 70 year old crime-fighter and Giants hitters couldn't seem to hit around him.  "I've never seen a shortstop rob a home run before," said the Giant's Buster Posey.  He added, "That was fucked up."

Norris, Pictured above in his 1986 debut with the Rangers, decided to put his baseball career on hold for 25 years to pursue crime-fighting and general acts of improbable heroics. However, after watching games 1 and 2 of the 2010 World Series, Norris was called to action to save his hometown Rangers.   

The Rangers game-plan did change (with Norris) according to insiders.  "There is no 'steal sign' for Chuck because he just takes what is rightfully his," according to first base coach Gary Pettis. He added, "there is also no need for a take sign because he can stare a curve-ball straight for both himself and teammates". 

Other teams tried to lure Norris in the past.  The Cubs attempted to sway Norris into joining their team by growing ivy around the outfield in honor of his beard.  However, during spring training with the Cubs in '93 as a pitcher, it was realized that the only player that could catch a Chuck Norris fastball was Chuck Norris.

In other MLB notes, a spokesman for the Atlanta Braves announced that the franchise would now be changing their name to the Atlanta Braves *But Not As Brave As Chuck Norris.

  

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Joe Biden's 'Obama' Costume A Hit At Whitehouse Party

Nolan Ryan Announces That Nolan Ryan Will Pitch Games 3, 4, 5, and 6 Of World Series

Veteran Right Hander Coming off 17 Years Rest

San Francisco, CA (CHN) - After watching a beleaguered Ranger team give up 20 runs in the first two games of the 2010 World Series, General Manager Nolan Ryan has confirmed reports that he will start and finish the next four games of the Series.  Ryan, Major League Baseball's strikeout king made the decision shortly after watching the current Ranger staff walk home 3 straight runs in the bottom of the 8th inning Thursday night.

Nolan Ryan Beats The Shit Out Of Some Guy Prior To Game 2

Ryan, who turns 64 in January, will face a confident Giants lineup back in Arlington. "I just need to stay loose out there and try to strike out every hitter I face over the four game stretch," said the baseball icon as he licked his right index and forefinger while pulling a sock filled with chalk from the left rear pocket of his Khaki Dockers.  

Although Ryan was just 5-5 in his last season with the Rangers in 1993, he said that his arm felt good during the two days of filming for a 2003 Cialis commercial. 'The Express' is reportedly planning to go to his left arm late in games 5 and 6 if a runner somehow reaches base.  That scenario seems unlikely to Ryan who promises to 'Robin Venturize any punk kid that crosses him'. 

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88% of Facebook Relationship Status Updates End In 'It's Complicated' or 'Single'

Social Network Dissolution Rate Highest In NY; CA 

Palo Alto, CA (CHN) - Research Teams at Facebook Headquarters in California's Silicon Valley have released a stunning 6 year survey concluding that nearly all Facebook relationship status updates end in public embarrassment.  Early theories for the high relationship status casualty rate is that 99.3% of all men have no desire to be in a Facebook Relationship.

"One of the first images we had to create for our page coding was the broken heart," said longtime Facebook developer Peter Shultz.

File Photo: Broken Heart

Sarah Bennington, a former Michigan State student, has been in 7 Facebook status relationships.  For her, Facebook single has been rare and painful.  "I'm usually the one to request the relationship; it is soooo exciting for my friends to all see it," admitted the 29 year old real estate broker.  "I know that Mr. Facebook married status update guy is out there and I'm going to keep looking and requesting until I find him". 

While it remains unclear if Facebook itself causes relationships to fail it has been confirmed that the best way to 'bang that one slut from high school' is to friend request her and mention how you had been thinking about her for many years.

Other Findings Released Today by Facebook Status Update Researchers:

• The 12% of relationship status updates that do not end in relationship status breakups have been determined to be fake profiles or simply couples that died at sea.
• 'It's Complicated' is the preferred status change when both parties are cheating with married people.
• No person on Facebook should ever plan to run for political office.
• 100% of the advertisements on the side of the page indicating that 18 year old supermodels with giant breasts wanted to date regular guys is not based in fact

Some good news from the survey indicates that relationship status failure has slowed over the past 18 months.  Data indicates that the slow economy has made it more difficult for separated status couples to log in and publicly humiliate themselves at the end of a relationship as laptops and data plans have begun to play 2nd fiddle to canned foods and hooking.  

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Biologist: 'Shark Attacks Increasingly Focused On Boogie Boarding Pussies'

Fatal Santa Barbara County Attack On Friday Confirms Trend

Santa Barbara,CA (CHN) - Although rare, White Shark attacks are often fatal and have been increasingly focused on 'chicken shit boogie boarders' according to marine expert Chris Fallows.  "These sharks are common on the Santa Barbara coastline this time of year and they often breed near the Channel Islands," say Fallows who has been studying shark behavior for over 20 years. 

Above:  Boogie Board Recovered From 
Friday's Fatal Attack On 'That Chump'

Fallows has observed that "over the past 10 years we have seen a rather persistent trend whereas these Great Whites seem to ignore bitchin long board cruisers and short board rippers.  Frankly, they are heading in closer to shore for bitch-ass boogie boarders". 

According to Fallows, boogie boarders are often younger and less skilled at legit surf activities.  They stay closer to shore because 'they can't handle the sick waves that challenge real surfers and often get right in the way of experienced surfers who are trying to carve up sweet sets'.

Fallow's friend and local surfing buddy Matt Boyd has been surfing from Lompoc to Ventura for about 15 years.  Boyd says that he has personally witnessed tons of large sharks along the coast. "I see them, they see me," said Boyd to CHN.  He continued, "The fact is that I tear shit up out there and they (sharks) know that I am a local.  These high school wimps and mamas boy college freshman come out here and pretty much serve as bait for sharks that like to eat fags.

Friday's attack is the 2nd shark death in the U.S. this year.  The other fatality occurred in February off the coast of Florida stemming from a Bull Shark bite.  The victim, 38 year old Stephen Schaefer was kite-surfing and was most likely making 'really retarded movements' according to Fallows who had not reviewed the incident officially.

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