This video is not safe for work (NSFW), all children viewers should be accompanied by an adult ninja.
This video brought to you by HI-CHEWS, Japanese candy made by Cotton Picking Ninjas.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Ninja vs. Ninjer.
New York, NY (CHN) Dr. Laura Schlessingers recent N-word comments have helped shed light on additional race issues. This weeks focus: Ninjas.
This video is not safe for work (NSFW), all children viewers should be accompanied by an adult ninja.
This video brought to you by HI-CHEWS, Japanese candy made by Cotton Picking Ninjas.
This video is not safe for work (NSFW), all children viewers should be accompanied by an adult ninja.
This video brought to you by HI-CHEWS, Japanese candy made by Cotton Picking Ninjas.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Nation's Bullies Finalize Back To School Plans
Identifying Nerds and Tools Remains Primary Objective During Orientation
Rio Del Valle Middle School, Oxnard, CA (CHN) - Twelve to thirteen year old boys with interpersonal and various behavioral skill deficiencies are making final preparations for the coming school year. Most will try to efficiently split time between the closing of peak cyber bullying season and a return to a more direct intimidation and physical abuse regimen.
"There is a lot of uncertainty coming into Rio Del Valle," says opportunistic rabbit puncher Derrick Douglas. He continued, "I mean, I know who my main targets are from Lakewood Elementary but now I have to evaluate dweebs and geeks from 3 other feeder schools".
But Douglas isn't the only incoming 7th grader who is sharpening shanks and memorizing quotes from the first half of 'Step Brothers'. Douglas will have to find his niche among returning bullies Richard Staggs and Marcus James who kept a short leash on dorks and faggots during the previous school year.
Principle Dale Vaginavich understands the pressure that incoming tards will be faced with. "It's a tough go for some of our youngsters here at the 7th and 8th grade level," says Vaginavich.
"Bullies today are stronger and faster than ever," Vaginavich closed his eyes and paused for the approximate time frame that it takes to receive an atomic wedgy; he continuted, "I mean... I wanted to try a new anti-bullying program this year but I was convinced by our Phys-Ed. Director Jim McMannis that my idea was chickenshit.
Incoming 7th grader Martin Fragilmeyer, an accomplished anagramist and comic book purveyor, was also making final preparations for the coming school year. Despite having 'head set' braces installed last week and re-stocking his closet with some of his brothers hand-me-downs, Fragilmeyer maintained a positive outlook. The dusk to dawn physical and mental abuse that he will be encountering throughout each school-day will be a cakewalk compared to the 'softening up' he will receive during extra-curricular activities.
"I'm just going to play it cool for the next 12 years or so; I'll get worked over pretty hard for my bad acne and the fact that when I throw a baseball I step forward with the wrong foot causing extreme loss of velocity and accuracy". He added, "Rest assured, someday I will graduate college, touch my first boob, and have enough money to FEDEX boxes of my own shit to everyone who ruined my childhood".
Rio Del Valle Middle School, Oxnard, CA (CHN) - Twelve to thirteen year old boys with interpersonal and various behavioral skill deficiencies are making final preparations for the coming school year. Most will try to efficiently split time between the closing of peak cyber bullying season and a return to a more direct intimidation and physical abuse regimen.
"There is a lot of uncertainty coming into Rio Del Valle," says opportunistic rabbit puncher Derrick Douglas. He continued, "I mean, I know who my main targets are from Lakewood Elementary but now I have to evaluate dweebs and geeks from 3 other feeder schools".But Douglas isn't the only incoming 7th grader who is sharpening shanks and memorizing quotes from the first half of 'Step Brothers'. Douglas will have to find his niche among returning bullies Richard Staggs and Marcus James who kept a short leash on dorks and faggots during the previous school year.
Principle Dale Vaginavich understands the pressure that incoming tards will be faced with. "It's a tough go for some of our youngsters here at the 7th and 8th grade level," says Vaginavich.
"Bullies today are stronger and faster than ever," Vaginavich closed his eyes and paused for the approximate time frame that it takes to receive an atomic wedgy; he continuted, "I mean... I wanted to try a new anti-bullying program this year but I was convinced by our Phys-Ed. Director Jim McMannis that my idea was chickenshit.
Incoming 7th grader Martin Fragilmeyer, an accomplished anagramist and comic book purveyor, was also making final preparations for the coming school year. Despite having 'head set' braces installed last week and re-stocking his closet with some of his brothers hand-me-downs, Fragilmeyer maintained a positive outlook. The dusk to dawn physical and mental abuse that he will be encountering throughout each school-day will be a cakewalk compared to the 'softening up' he will receive during extra-curricular activities.
"I'm just going to play it cool for the next 12 years or so; I'll get worked over pretty hard for my bad acne and the fact that when I throw a baseball I step forward with the wrong foot causing extreme loss of velocity and accuracy". He added, "Rest assured, someday I will graduate college, touch my first boob, and have enough money to FEDEX boxes of my own shit to everyone who ruined my childhood".
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Sniper Instructor Rewards Class With 'Boob Scope' Day
'Juggs Friday' Welcomed By Students
Special Ops Training - Ft. Bragg, NC (CHN):
Sergent First Class Mike Calahan has been training sharpshooters for more than 16 years for the U.S. Army and has always maintained a 'Get'r Done' attitude along with a healthy dose of paternal mentoring .
"It's a job that requires extreme attention to detail, patience, and a rapists intuition," said Calahan to CHN as he prepared Friday morning's drill with the students. He continued, "I've had a great group this year so today we are going to reward them with some long distance hooter spotting; a little 'tit for tat' as we say in the sniper business," informed Calahan.
Staff Sergeant Damon Sterling set the target area of World Gym, a well known location for the release of sweater kittens in the Fort Bragg area. The Gym's entrance was well within site range of the Officers Mess Hall roof using the standard issue Bushnell Tactical Scopes.
"Spotters have suggested that we focus on the front doors of the gym along with the East parking lot area between Jamba Juice and Penguins Yogurt.
Monitoring those two hot spots should give us the highest fun bag count possible for any location between Chapel Hill and Raleigh" according to Sterling. He added, "Boobs Mcgee will have a hell of a time getting by undetected."
While the Army's M40 standard issue rifles were not loaded, the new laser training attachment allows for a simulated weapon discharge up to 800 meters. Calahan believes that his students should have no difficulty blasting bra buddies at 100-400 meters and neck squeezers up to 800 meters. "I once nailed a set of milk makers at 885 meters and I want that for my students," said Calahan as he scanned the periphery for chimichongas.
Last year the class was rewarded with a viewing of Mark Wahlberg's 2007 film "Shooter" which featured actress Kate Mara. Outside of Mara's wacka wacka's being visible through her white shirt the movie was reportedly a snooze-fest.
Special Ops Training - Ft. Bragg, NC (CHN):
Sergent First Class Mike Calahan has been training sharpshooters for more than 16 years for the U.S. Army and has always maintained a 'Get'r Done' attitude along with a healthy dose of paternal mentoring .
"It's a job that requires extreme attention to detail, patience, and a rapists intuition," said Calahan to CHN as he prepared Friday morning's drill with the students. He continued, "I've had a great group this year so today we are going to reward them with some long distance hooter spotting; a little 'tit for tat' as we say in the sniper business," informed Calahan.
Staff Sergeant Damon Sterling set the target area of World Gym, a well known location for the release of sweater kittens in the Fort Bragg area. The Gym's entrance was well within site range of the Officers Mess Hall roof using the standard issue Bushnell Tactical Scopes."Spotters have suggested that we focus on the front doors of the gym along with the East parking lot area between Jamba Juice and Penguins Yogurt.
Monitoring those two hot spots should give us the highest fun bag count possible for any location between Chapel Hill and Raleigh" according to Sterling. He added, "Boobs Mcgee will have a hell of a time getting by undetected."
While the Army's M40 standard issue rifles were not loaded, the new laser training attachment allows for a simulated weapon discharge up to 800 meters. Calahan believes that his students should have no difficulty blasting bra buddies at 100-400 meters and neck squeezers up to 800 meters. "I once nailed a set of milk makers at 885 meters and I want that for my students," said Calahan as he scanned the periphery for chimichongas.
Last year the class was rewarded with a viewing of Mark Wahlberg's 2007 film "Shooter" which featured actress Kate Mara. Outside of Mara's wacka wacka's being visible through her white shirt the movie was reportedly a snooze-fest.
Other boob references mentioned to our staff that were omitted for professional reasons:
Air Bags, Astries, Baby Feeders, Bazookas, Ball Busters, Bangalopes, Bazooms, Beacons, Beanbags, Bebops, Betty Boops, Big Boppers, Bikini Stuffers, Billibongs, Blinkers, Bombers, Bombshells, Bon Bons, Bongos, Bonkers, Boobers, Boobies, Boobs, Boppers, Bosom, Boulders, Bouncers, Bra Buddies, Bra Stuffers, Breasts, Bronskis, Bubbas, Bubbies, Buds, Bulbs, Bulges, Bullets, Bumpers, Bumps, Bust, Busters, Busties, Butterballs, Buttons, Caboodles, Cams,Cannon Balls, Cantaloupes, Carumbas (Ay), Cha-chas, Chihuahuas, Chiquitas, Coconuts, Coco Puffs, Corkers, Cream Pies, Cross-Eyed Canisters, Cuhuangas, Cupcakes, Dinghies, Dingos, Dirigibles, Doorknobs, Doozies, Double-Whammies, Dueling Banjos, Dumplings, Dunes, Ear Muffs, Eclairs, Em (i.e. Put 'Em' On The Glass), Eyes (As in 'She has nice eyes'), Face Slappers, Flapjacks, Flappers, Flesh Bulbs, Floaters, Fog Lights, Fried Eggs, Fuck Utters, Fun Bags, Gagas, Garbos, Gazingas, Gazongas, Glands, Globes, Globlets,Gob Stoppers, Gongas, Goombas, Grapefruits, Gran Tetons, Grillwork, Guarded Goliaths, Guavas, Gum Drops, Hand Warmers, Handsets, Happy Fun Balls, Head Lamps, Headers, Headlights, Headphones, Headsets, Hefty Hippos, Heifers, Hemispheres, Hills That Pay The Bills, Hindenburgs, Honeydews, Honkers, Hood-Ornaments, Hoohas, Hooters, Hot Cakes, Hottentots,Howitzers, Hubcaps, Huffies, Humdingers, Hush Puppies, Hypnotizing Hoots, ICBMS, Jacket Blasters, Jail Babbies, Jawbreakers, Jemimas, Jibs, Jugs, Jukes, Jumblies, Jumbos,Kabukis, Kalamazoos, Kazongas, Kazoos, Kneck Squeezers, Knobbers, Knockers, Kongas, Kumquats, Lactoids, Lip Fodder, LLamas, Loaves, LobLollies, Love Muffins, LuLus, Lung Pillows, Macaroons, Major Mushies, Mamalicious, Mammaries, Mammies, Mam Bags, Mams, Man Bait, Mangos, Marangos, Maraschinos, Marimbas, Mau Maus, Mausers, Meat Loaves, Meatballs, Melons, Milk Cans, Milk Fountains, Milk Makers, Milk Shakes, Mmbos, Molehills, Mommas, Mondos, Montezumas, Moo Moos, Mother Lodes, Mounds, Mouth Magnets, Muchachas, Muffins, Mulligans, Mushmellons, Nancies, Nectarines, Niblets, Nibs, Nippers, Nippies, Nippleoons, Nippleos, Nips, Nodes, Nodules, Noogies, Nose Cones, Oompas, Orbs, Ottomans Balboas,Padded Punies, Pagodas Bangers, Pair, Pancho & Lefty, Peaches, Peaks, Pears, Peepers, Penis Partners, Pillows (See Lung Pillows), Pips, Plums, Pointer-Sisters, Points, Pokers, Polygons, Pompoms, Pontoons, Potatoes, Pre-Mature Melons, Professor Assessors, PT Boats, Pumpkins, Rangoons, Rib Cushions, Ripe Roo Roos, Saggy Waggys, Sandbags, Satellites, Sauce makers, Scones, Scoops, Shakes, Shebas, Shermans, Shimmies, Shirt Stretchers, Silos, Sister Sacks, Skin Pops, Skooners, Smoothies, Snake Charmers, Snuggle Pups, Spark Plugs, Specials, Sperm Targets, Spheres, Spongecakes, Spuds, Stacks, Stuffing Casabas, Sugar Plums, Sweater Meat, Sweater Puffs, Sweet Rolls, Tahitis, Tamales, Tartugas, Tatas, Tattlers, Teats, Tetons(see Gran Tetons), Thangs, Thingumajigs, Tidbits, Tits, Titters Domes, Titty Doodads, Tom-Toms, Tomatoes,Torpedoes, Towel Nuggets,Twangers, Tweakers, Tweeters, Twin Peaks, Twofers, Tympanies, U-Boats, Utters (See Fuck Utters),Umlauts, Virgin Chesty, Waldos, Wahwahs, Warheads, Zeppelins, Zingers etc.Saturday, August 7, 2010
Santa Clarita Student Turns 22 Despite Slow Economy
Changing Birth Certificate and Notifying Friends Just Too Difficult
Santa Clarita, CA (CHN) - Twenty-one year old Arielle Korn had a difficult choice to make this past week as her 22nd birthday approached, have her regularly scheduled birthday or postpone it for 6 months to a year until the economy turned around.
"Its primarily about the gifts," said a disgruntled Korn. "Ive been monitoring GDP pretty closely and I suspect that investment on birthday gifts for me will be down 6-8% year over year," she added.
Korn, who believes that the July jobs report came at the worst moment possible has been carefully monitoring her friends spending habits on Facebook and determined that she will likely get 14 confirmations, 8 no shows, and 277 maybes for her upcoming birthday dinner at The Claim Jumper. "People realize that I want to eat for free; with White House Economic Adviser Christina Romer resigning yesterday... well, lets just say that is not the sort of birthday spending confidence that you need going into my birthday dinner," says Korn.
Ms. Korn ran a cost analysis benefit equation of changing her birthday to January 15th but the uncertainties of a double dip recession has Oppenheimer Fund Manager Skip Froberg nervous. "The idea that corporate profits alone can carry us into an increase in consumer birthday spending confidence isn't supported with the data," revealed Froberg. "Until we get 2-3 solid job reports in a row, birthday spending for Kamikaze shots and custom cakes with clever genitalia frosting designs are going to be depressed for another 2-3 quarters at minimum," concluded Froberg.
Korn's mother indicated via email that changing her birthday would create confusion among relatives and could result in a clusterfuck of missed payouts from Grandma Bata. My best advice, sayed Korn's mom - "Find a sugar daddy, even if it's just a one nighter... have you met Seth Champi?"
Santa Clarita, CA (CHN) - Twenty-one year old Arielle Korn had a difficult choice to make this past week as her 22nd birthday approached, have her regularly scheduled birthday or postpone it for 6 months to a year until the economy turned around.
"Its primarily about the gifts," said a disgruntled Korn. "Ive been monitoring GDP pretty closely and I suspect that investment on birthday gifts for me will be down 6-8% year over year," she added.Korn, who believes that the July jobs report came at the worst moment possible has been carefully monitoring her friends spending habits on Facebook and determined that she will likely get 14 confirmations, 8 no shows, and 277 maybes for her upcoming birthday dinner at The Claim Jumper. "People realize that I want to eat for free; with White House Economic Adviser Christina Romer resigning yesterday... well, lets just say that is not the sort of birthday spending confidence that you need going into my birthday dinner," says Korn.
Ms. Korn ran a cost analysis benefit equation of changing her birthday to January 15th but the uncertainties of a double dip recession has Oppenheimer Fund Manager Skip Froberg nervous. "The idea that corporate profits alone can carry us into an increase in consumer birthday spending confidence isn't supported with the data," revealed Froberg. "Until we get 2-3 solid job reports in a row, birthday spending for Kamikaze shots and custom cakes with clever genitalia frosting designs are going to be depressed for another 2-3 quarters at minimum," concluded Froberg.
Korn's mother indicated via email that changing her birthday would create confusion among relatives and could result in a clusterfuck of missed payouts from Grandma Bata. My best advice, sayed Korn's mom - "Find a sugar daddy, even if it's just a one nighter... have you met Seth Champi?"
Friday, July 30, 2010
Obama A Possible DNC Frontrunner For 2012
Former Chicago Activist Is A Rising Star For The DNC
As the nation continues fighting the malaise of a deep economic slump and unemployment near 10% a theme of change is resonating with voters. "Let's throw the bums out," said Janet Mathews from Klamath Falls, OR.
"It's too early to make any firm predictions," said DNC South West Region organizer Dean Cardoza. "From what I have heard about Barrack Obama from Chicago, I like it so far," he added.
Democratic Party insiders are well aware of the buzz surrounding Obama, a 49 year old Hawaii native who wowed DNC 2004 convention goers with his speech supporting John Kerry. They also are reluctant to roll the dice with a largely unproven and enigmatic newcomer even if 'change' is the driving catalyst in 2012.
Anonymous sources say that the old guard of the DNC is pointing towards better seasoned politicians like current Senior White House Adviser David Axelrod or current Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. Current Vice President Joe Biden has also topped many lists but at least one key anonymous source from within the administration said recently that "Biden is a fucking idiot".
Former 2008 Republican nominee John McCain was reluctant to comment on the DNC's chances in 2012 but he did confirm that Obama could be Presidential material even though he has been far from the limelight over the past two years. "He just might be honing his skills and lining up key support for a historic run at the Whitehouse," acknowledged McCain.
CHN has compiled a list of recent accomplishments by the former Harvard Law grad that will be key components to a possible 2012 run:
Washington D.C. (CHN)- Although it's just a few short months before the 2010 midterm elections, party insiders have already began the process of identifying candidates for the 2012 Presidential Campaign. Both Democrats and Republicans have been narrowing the field for the election that is still more than 2 years away.
As the nation continues fighting the malaise of a deep economic slump and unemployment near 10% a theme of change is resonating with voters. "Let's throw the bums out," said Janet Mathews from Klamath Falls, OR."It's too early to make any firm predictions," said DNC South West Region organizer Dean Cardoza. "From what I have heard about Barrack Obama from Chicago, I like it so far," he added.
"I remember the last campaign and all the promises like it was yesterday," said Jasper McFitsimmons of Little Rock, AK. "They were going to bring the troops home, close Guantanamo, fix the economy, and make it cooler outside." McFitsimmons continued, "I'm not a news buff, but I haven't seen any of that; yea I would consider this Obama, he can't be any worse than what we have now".
Democratic Party insiders are well aware of the buzz surrounding Obama, a 49 year old Hawaii native who wowed DNC 2004 convention goers with his speech supporting John Kerry. They also are reluctant to roll the dice with a largely unproven and enigmatic newcomer even if 'change' is the driving catalyst in 2012.
Anonymous sources say that the old guard of the DNC is pointing towards better seasoned politicians like current Senior White House Adviser David Axelrod or current Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. Current Vice President Joe Biden has also topped many lists but at least one key anonymous source from within the administration said recently that "Biden is a fucking idiot".
Former 2008 Republican nominee John McCain was reluctant to comment on the DNC's chances in 2012 but he did confirm that Obama could be Presidential material even though he has been far from the limelight over the past two years. "He just might be honing his skills and lining up key support for a historic run at the Whitehouse," acknowledged McCain.
CHN has compiled a list of recent accomplishments by the former Harvard Law grad that will be key components to a possible 2012 run:
- Obama Cuts Deal; Winter Olympics Moved To Chicago
- Obama Plays Basketball With U.S. Marines
- U.S - Russia - Gilbert Arenas; Reach Arms Deal. Obama Key Negotiator
- Obama Wins DNC Primary; Promptly Gives Pearl Necklace to Michelle
Sunday, July 11, 2010
BP To Invest 'Some, Not All' of Escrow Account On Boy Band
New Band Could Produce Up To Ten Singles By 2015
Gulfport, Louisiana (CHN) The effects of the Gulf oil spill continue to spread from the oil sheen in Corpus Christie to tar balls on Fort Lauderdale beaches. But oil giant BP, whose Deepwater Horizon Rig caught fire and exploded on April 20th, is looking to rebuild it's image and possibly an entire music genre in the process.
In mid June BP agreed to set aside a 20 billion dollar escrow account to guarantee their promise to clean up and rebuild the Gulf Region. Tens of thousands of claims have been made to BP by out of work fisherman yet the oil conglomerate has admittedly been slow to process or pay those claims.
This mornings press release from the companies London headquarters is finally shedding light on how the company is planning to invest 'some, but not all' of the $20 billion account.
BP CEO Tony Hayward explained the new investment to CHN Europe earlier today:"After careful consideration of the environmental and economic impact of the oil spill, we have concluded that the best use of recovery funds will be for the development and marketing of a top notch boy band. We are not just proposing a run of the mill 'Backstreet Boys' or 'N Sync but a true super group like English born 'East 17' or '5ive'.
But critics have been slow to back the concept and investors are cautious on the news with BP stock down 1.6% after the news reached Wall Street. "I think that many of us would have preferred a more traditional soft rock alternative such as "Coldplay" or maybe even something edgier like 'The Killers', said Oppenheimer fund manager Martin Stein. He continued, "I'm just not sure that a boy band will have the raw energy that is going to be needed to satisfy the energy needs of clean up crews as well as emotional understanding of suicidal housewife's who's husbands will now be sitting at home drinking for the next 10 years".
Car-Henric Svanberg, BP Chairman, offered further insight via BP's official website:
"The reality for the Gulf Region is that without our help the radio waves will be dominated by Country, Folk, and other depressive genres including Grunge and perhaps some sort of Disco Opera. The Gulf needs a Pop Rock band that it can trust and we are willing to make the investment in a group that can range from R&B to Power Pop and beyond".BP contends that it carefully studied the effects of several types of music and can say with complete confidence that a boy band will win the hearts of the Gulf people who have long suffered under Jazz and Traditional Blues. A promotional ad featuring the fisherman below will air later this month, tryouts for the band will begin in the coming weeks at the Companies London headquarters.
The name 'Beyond 5' has already been floated and the group is expected to produce several top ten hits prior to one or more of the underpaid singers disbanding for a more lucrative solo career.
As to any unused funds from the escrow account; rumors have surfaced that a new fast food chain specializing in Cornish Pasty and Bedfordshire Clangers will replace many of the bankrupt restaurants overlooking the blackened beaches.
Open Letter to Fans from Cavs Owner Dan Gilbert
CHN has received the following draft of Dan Gilbert's letter with the actual wording he used while dictating notes to his secretary.
Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight; (Trying to score smack)As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier. (But if he changes his mind I would suck on his asshole every night forever.)
This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment. (Which I prayed was to create the best moment ever for myself personally.)
Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us. (I'm just a bitter person in general.)
The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you. (Even though I recently fired many of them.)
There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you. (Too Science Fictiony? Should we delete that?)
You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal. (No Cleveland Nigger Slave does this to us and gets away with it.)
You have given so much and deserve so much more. (We charge $9 for $2 beer.)
In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:
"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE" (Make note to delete this message really really fast after this dies down.)
You can take it to the bank. (The bank of overly-fucked assholes, whereas Lebron James is the 'fucker' and the Cleveland clients are the 'fukees')
If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels. (Why was he not considering my selfishness before his. Fuck this sucks for me.)
Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there. (That SOB is going to score so much hot Miami ass... which is not like the cellulite ridden, unkempt Cleveland asses)
Sorry, but that's simply not how it works. (Fuck, that's exactly how it works)
This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow-up to become. (Nigga Slaves)
But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio. (That sounds really, really, really, stupid - should I leave that in?)
The self-declared former "King" will be taking the "curse" with him down south. And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma. (Doing "right" by Cleveland should herein refer to "whatever is in my self interest")
Just watch. (Please watch our team, I would hate for anyone to watch Miami who will be awesome)
Sleep well, Cleveland. (RIP)
Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day.... (yet much colder and gloomier than Miami)
I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only: (Trying to blame Lebron for everything bad that happens to me)
DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue.... (At least one year ahead of the Clippers)
Dan Gilbert (Fuck my life)
Majority Owner (For the moment)
Cleveland Cavaliers (Shit Town Hoopsters For Life)Majority Owner (For the moment)
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Gulf Wildlife Debuts Multi-National Oil Company
New Competition May Further BP's Quarterly Losses
Galveston, TX (CHN) - It's been nearly a month since the tragic explosion and catastrophic oil spill began seeping from British Petroleum's Deepwater Horizon Oil Rig. The problems, however, continue to mount for BP and it's human subsidiaries. In a hastily crafted and oil soaked letter to the Securities and Exchange Commission, the wildlife living in and around the Gulf of Mexico have filed the preliminary documents for America's first 'animal run and operated' oil company.
The Filing confirms what human executives throughout 'big oil' have always feared, an animal run oil company capable of profiteering from today's larger, faster, and increasingly fucked-up oil spills.
"I think they are running a sweat shop; you see endangered Alabama Red-Bellied Turtles gulping down as much oil as they can and then washing up half dead on the beaches of Lafourche Parish, Louisiana. I mean the pay can't be that good," said a market analyst for Exxon-Mobile.
So are the executives at 'big wildlife' getting away with murder just to get the product to market?
While profits seem unlimited with free oil gushing into the gulf every minute; some wildlife representatives are pushing for better worker safety and unionization of the water foul that now carry 60% of the oil to shore where free labor from human volunteers removes the product and sends it to final market.
"So far the promises from big wildlife, notably Sperm Whales and Bottlenose Dolphins, are just that... promises," said an anonymous spokesperson from Greenpeace who believes that wildlife's first oil company is exploiting symbiotic aquatic relationships far beyond basic parasite extraction.
Industry insiders claim that it has always been assumed that sea life would make its presence felt in the multi-trillion dollar oil economy. Celebrity angler Roland Martin discussed the prospects of the new company with CHN this morning:
"They have always had the populations and 'street sense' to bring the toxic goo to market. Unfortunately, they just lacked the deep-water drilling rigs capable of precisely tapping wells several miles under the ocean floor (using dynamic space age technologies derived by the worlds top engineers) and then spilling it all over the fucking place so that it could be safely brought to shore".
Now, according to industry analysts, beach-goers, and the clientele of the Red Lobster the whole system seems to be up and running for the long haul.
But experts warn that with profits pouring in and government watchdogs largely turning a blind eye, that the exploitation of gulf labor could get even worse. "I think you are going to start to see more and more illegal migratory water foul signing on to work the gulf over the coming weeks" said U.S. Fish and Wildlife biologist Gilbert Valeo. Valeo continued, "Migrant birds have already been spotted leaving Latin America and Mexico a full 2 weeks ahead of their normal summer schedule".
But the new multinational company, dubbed 'Free Oil Beatches' has had little push back so far and now has an IPO set for early June to boot. However, aquatic memories of the 1989 'Oil for Salmon' embargo by Killer Whales (following the Exxon Valdez spill) has fish populations swimming randomly about in schools of various sizes, just as they did in 1989 according to snorkelers.
Galveston, TX (CHN) - It's been nearly a month since the tragic explosion and catastrophic oil spill began seeping from British Petroleum's Deepwater Horizon Oil Rig. The problems, however, continue to mount for BP and it's human subsidiaries. In a hastily crafted and oil soaked letter to the Securities and Exchange Commission, the wildlife living in and around the Gulf of Mexico have filed the preliminary documents for America's first 'animal run and operated' oil company.
The Filing confirms what human executives throughout 'big oil' have always feared, an animal run oil company capable of profiteering from today's larger, faster, and increasingly fucked-up oil spills.
"I think they are running a sweat shop; you see endangered Alabama Red-Bellied Turtles gulping down as much oil as they can and then washing up half dead on the beaches of Lafourche Parish, Louisiana. I mean the pay can't be that good," said a market analyst for Exxon-Mobile.So are the executives at 'big wildlife' getting away with murder just to get the product to market?
While profits seem unlimited with free oil gushing into the gulf every minute; some wildlife representatives are pushing for better worker safety and unionization of the water foul that now carry 60% of the oil to shore where free labor from human volunteers removes the product and sends it to final market.
"So far the promises from big wildlife, notably Sperm Whales and Bottlenose Dolphins, are just that... promises," said an anonymous spokesperson from Greenpeace who believes that wildlife's first oil company is exploiting symbiotic aquatic relationships far beyond basic parasite extraction.
Industry insiders claim that it has always been assumed that sea life would make its presence felt in the multi-trillion dollar oil economy. Celebrity angler Roland Martin discussed the prospects of the new company with CHN this morning:
"They have always had the populations and 'street sense' to bring the toxic goo to market. Unfortunately, they just lacked the deep-water drilling rigs capable of precisely tapping wells several miles under the ocean floor (using dynamic space age technologies derived by the worlds top engineers) and then spilling it all over the fucking place so that it could be safely brought to shore".
Now, according to industry analysts, beach-goers, and the clientele of the Red Lobster the whole system seems to be up and running for the long haul.
But experts warn that with profits pouring in and government watchdogs largely turning a blind eye, that the exploitation of gulf labor could get even worse. "I think you are going to start to see more and more illegal migratory water foul signing on to work the gulf over the coming weeks" said U.S. Fish and Wildlife biologist Gilbert Valeo. Valeo continued, "Migrant birds have already been spotted leaving Latin America and Mexico a full 2 weeks ahead of their normal summer schedule".
But the new multinational company, dubbed 'Free Oil Beatches' has had little push back so far and now has an IPO set for early June to boot. However, aquatic memories of the 1989 'Oil for Salmon' embargo by Killer Whales (following the Exxon Valdez spill) has fish populations swimming randomly about in schools of various sizes, just as they did in 1989 according to snorkelers.
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