Sec'y State Clinton Takes Full Responsibility For Killing Chris Stevens With Her Bare Hands

Says She Killed The Ambassador and 3 Others Just For The 'Sure Thrill' 

Lima, Peru (CHN) - U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she takes 'full responsibility' for security at the American diplomatic outpost in Benghazi, Libya, where Ambassador Christopher Stevens and three other Americans died in what was believed to be a terrorist attack last month.

"I take the responsibility," Mrs. Clinton said while answering questions during a stop in Lima. "I'm the Secretary of State with 60,000-plus employees around the world. 

This is like a big family…It's painful, absolutely painful that I would ever attack and kill any of them in cold blood like I did in Benghazi".

On Monday, she told television interviewers that while she has no remorse whatsoever, she does indeed accept 'full blame'. She added that security at America's diplomatic missions overseas, as well as restraining her own desire to commit murder at or near them, is her job alone; not that of the White House. 

Her comments come as Republicans, including presidential candidate Mitt Romney, criticize the Obama administration for its handling of the security prior to the attack and its explanations afterward.

She spoke in advance of the second presidential debate, which will occur Tuesday night. Both security arrangements in Benghazi and the administration's differing explanations of whether the attack was the result of mob violence caused by an anti-Muslim video or a calculated terrorist strike were the subject of disagreement in last week's debate between Vice President Joe Biden and Rep. Paul Ryan, the GOP vice presidential nominee.

The Secretary has now put both claims to rest as she says that the video had no bearing on her decision to attack and murder the four Americans.  "It's good to set the facts straight, especially now that I have all of the intelligence of exactly how I pulled this off," said Clinton.  "I have to assure the American people that the President and Mr. Biden had absolutely no idea that I was capable of such a well-calculated, albeit vicious, terrorist attack on four truly heroic Americans." 

She continued, "Watching them plead for their lives, I realized exactly how dedicated these men were to the cause that all of us hold so dear". 

Clinton said that she was unscathed in her daring attack on the U.S. Embassy

Administration officials are hopeful that Clinton's admission will relieve pressure from the President who could not possibly have known that the 64 year old Secretary of State was capable of the brazen heavy artillery attack.  The State Department acknowleged the sophistication of an operation that perfectly mimicked a well planned 350 man al-Qaeda maneuver; exactly the type that Stevens had requested additional security to thwart in the days before his death on September 11th.

CHN.2012 

Manning Still Struggling With The Pressure Of Being Denver's First Openly Gay QB

Broncos Players Finally Getting A Taste Of The Real Manning

(CHN_Sports) - At 2-3, Denver has not looked quite like the elite squad John Elway envisioned when he signed the future gay Hall of Famer this past off-season. There have been issues with the running game, as well as along the defensive line and in the secondary.  However, the Broncos do play in one of the weakest divisions in football, the AFC West, and they have a favorable schedule moving forward.  

Manning Tenderly Lines Under Center On Sunday

Consider for a second the teams that have beaten Denver thus far. The Atlanta Falcons, Houston Texans and New England Patriots have a combined record of 13-2 and they all have heterosexual quarterbacks with the exception of closeted gay Tom Brady.  

"I know it is 2012, but there is still a big difference between being privately gay on your own time versus the full fledged in your face queer like Manning has chosen to do," explained Elway.

"Manning is a gay trendsetter and he is pushing the limits of what it means to be gay in the workplace," says full back Chris Gronkowski.  Gronkowski added, "I see the way the defense looks at him, and although a lot of guys really want to punish him for being so gay, I mean, the fact of the matter is that a lot of linebackers just don't want to get gay juice on them".

Denver did not exactly emerge unscathed from the grueling first third of the season, but at 2-3, the Broncos have now had time to become a cohesive unit behind the veteran queer quarterback and most analysts believe that the Broncos should contend for the playoffs.  

It may have been ludicrous to expect Peyton Manning to dominate from Week 1 this season. Even the greatest straight quarterbacks need time to adjust to new offensive schemes and the weapons around him.  Manning has taken on those challenges all the while giving extra attention to detail needed to limp-wrist every throw and call play counts entirely in a tenor pitch.

Coach John Fox sees it differently, "Peyton spent the better part of two decades unsuccessfully trying to mimic what a straight quarterback would act like.  Now he just has to let it all hang out, just be himself and unlearn all of those completely unsuccessful 'tough guy' mannerisms... Come on, who was he foolin".  

Manning has thrown upwards of 300 yards in each of the Broncos' last three games and tossed eight touchdowns in that time frame. By that measure, the former Colt might be off to a successful gay tenure in Denver.

"We are just going to continue to be strong," implied wife Ashley Manning.  "It's been a roller-coaster to be sure.  I think that the moment Peyton explained once and for all exactly how that neck injury occurred and the fact that he kept re-injuring it, lets face it, it was time to be real".

The Broncos are looking ahead to a favorable upcoming schedule with the Cleveland Browns, Oakland Raiders and Kansas City Chiefs (x2).  Manning may be 36 years old and nearing the end of his illustrious homosexual career, but the coaching staff believes that there is more than enough gas left in the ole faggot tank to lead Denver to the postseason.
CHN.2012

Obama/Romney Take Subtle Approach At Getting Vote From Nazi Swing Voter Nick Weaver

Netanyahu Bomb Drawing Explodes In Theory; Hypothetically Killing 84

Updated at 6:02 p.m. ET  (CHN) UNITED NATIONS - Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu warned Thursday that Iran will have enough enriched uranium to make a nuclear bomb by next summer and urged the world to draw a clear "red line".  The Prime Minister's call to action was greeted with an uneasy silence as key diplomats from around the world watched in horror as Netanyahu's shaky hand lost grip on the red magic marker which instantly detonated the one dimensional 'TNT' type cartoon bomb.

Moments earlier, saying it was getting "late, very late" to stop Iran; Netanyahu had removed the 'TNT' laden device from a large "ACME' labelled box with the intention of outlining the progress Iran has made toward creating a Warner Brothers 1985 era Wile E. Coyote bomb. 

The Israeli prime minister had opened comments by stating that "Red lines don't lead to war, red lines prevent war ... nothing could imperil the world more than a nuclear-armed Iran."

Survivors of the blast are said to have completely blackened skin and are only distinguishable from the dead by their blinking white eyes instead of 'simple X's'.

CHN.2012

Millions Protest Video Depicting Criticism Of NFL Replacement Refs

Roger Goodell Refusing Comment As Middle East Tensions Continue To Rise In MNF Aftermath

Cairo, Egypt (CHN) -  Huge waves of protests filled Egyptian streets Tuesday, just hours after an American video laced with inflammatory remarks reached the internet.  Egypt, a country with a long standing history of supporting replacement NFL referees, had been enjoying their first 'all replacement ref' NFL season through week 3.  However, the fevered pitch of criticism against the temporary NFL officials has culminated in an all out war from American fans and media who are demanding that an end to the debauchery of the NFL Rulebook. 

Armed Militants, Mostly Dressed In Chicago Blackhawk Colors Rallied in Cairo, Egypt Tuesday

Many in the Middle East, with Israel as the exception, have been steadfast in their support of the replacement officials as the NFL lockout continues over pension and other tenure related battles between the owners and the union.

"The Packers DB's should have batted the ball away; what coach has ever taught these shorter DB's to try and out-catch a receiver with no time left on the clock; its absurd," chanted thousands in unison.

 CHN.2012

Apple Execs: No Knowledge Of How Steve Jobs Uploaded His Soul Into iOS 6

Apple Founder Reportedly Mutated Into iCloud Shortly Before Death

Above, Steve Jobs shown in a creepy 2009 file photo

Palo Alto, CA (CHN) - According to the Santa Clara County Coroner's report Steve Jobs died on October 11th, 2011 from complications related to pancreatic cancer.  According to thousands of reports from the newly downloaded iOS 6 software users, Steve Jobs has manipulated the ascension of the human soul trajectory from Heaven (as we know it) to the Apple iCloud computing and storage system where he successfully transcended the former limits of human life function.  

Gizmodo's Harry Sawyers says that he "always believed it was a strange coincidence that the iCloud was introduced shortly after Job's passing".  Sawyers was compelled to admit, "I never could have guessed at the now presumed circumstances whereas Jobs faked his own death a few hours before his real death; doing so in order to have precisely enough time to digitally synchronize and upload his eternal soul to a cloud based omni-transponding worldwide network before his human based life ended."  

Jobs So-Called Final Resting Place Was Later Found To Be 

A Complicated Grid Of Brain Synthesizing And Upload Equipment

But not all Apple users are excited with the news that Jobs has begun showing up through different iOS medians in extremely integrated and personal ways.  University of Rutgers co-ed Sarah Vandalay reported one of many unusual connections with the previously deceased Jobs,  "So there I was having Facetime sex with my boyfriend and Steve Jobs face kept appearing over his face; I was freaked out man".  She adds, "It was nearly impossible to finish because he kept saying something about the 'NeXT Computer may have died but I never will'... it was creepy, super creepy". 

Apple developers have been privately struggling for months with unusual comments made by Siri; especially in regard to Apple Co-founder Steve Wozniak's back hair.  

"It's been frustrating", admitted 3rd year Apple software development manager Telfor Albaz.  "But it all makes sense now", says Albaz who shuffled several times in his seat before relenting that, "We really never figured out how we were going to replace the Google Maps Ap with our own 'vector based graphic system'. But we kept getting internal emails from people who didn't seem to work here that basically said 'Just fuck Google, fuck those copycat assholes and just delete their map system off people phones". 

As answers slowly come in as to how Mr. Jobs pulled off his human to digital transition, more questions have emerged as to just what Jobs has already done and what he might do.  An anonymous State Department official told CHN that "there are some things we can do to slow Jobs takeover of the earth and eventually the universe.  However, we have to be careful and very mindful that everything we say and do is heard and controlled by Mr. Jobs.  In fact, my voice on this phone call could be Steve using a simple voice synthesis driver that came free on the original iMac.  I'll just say this, The so-called 'Arab Spring'... that was Jobs.  

CHN.2012

Pippa Middleton Begs Press Not To Photograph Her During Naked Press Conference

Individually Begs 100's Of Newspapers Not To Publish Anything From The CD-Rom They've Been Given

Slut Pippa Middleton In A  2011 File Photo

London (CHN) - Pippa Middleton, the girl with the ass that bent over a lot at the Royal Wedding of Kate and William, is back in the news tonight following vague reports of her grandiose attempts to also avoid nude publication in several European newspapers.  

Princess Kate Middleton, who has a cute face, will reportedly have 100's of topless photos available for all to see on public newsstands later this week.  

The scandal, which has rocked the Royal Family, has riled the Queen to no end according to insiders at Buckingham Palace.  

Pippa addressed a handful of reporters Sunday, pleading with them not to photograph or provide any type of artist's rendering of her fully naked body; especially not in a 'downward dog yoga pose'.  

She also urged the press to reconsider publishing any images of her beloved Kate, saying only "Can you imagine the pain and embarrassment of having men across the world look at your exposed body with pure lust".  

Pippa closed the briefing by disclosing that she would also be very upset to see pictures of her naked body doctored so that her face looked way cuter.

CHN.2012

Kim Kardashian Furious That God Green-Lighted 'Look Like Your Soul Day'

"This is fucking bullshit", said Kardashian from an undisclosed location