Apple Execs: No Knowledge Of How Steve Jobs Uploaded His Soul Into iOS 6

Apple Founder Reportedly Mutated Into iCloud Shortly Before Death

Above, Steve Jobs shown in a creepy 2009 file photo

Palo Alto, CA (CHN) - According to the Santa Clara County Coroner's report Steve Jobs died on October 11th, 2011 from complications related to pancreatic cancer.  According to thousands of reports from the newly downloaded iOS 6 software users, Steve Jobs has manipulated the ascension of the human soul trajectory from Heaven (as we know it) to the Apple iCloud computing and storage system where he successfully transcended the former limits of human life function.  

Gizmodo's Harry Sawyers says that he "always believed it was a strange coincidence that the iCloud was introduced shortly after Job's passing".  Sawyers was compelled to admit, "I never could have guessed at the now presumed circumstances whereas Jobs faked his own death a few hours before his real death; doing so in order to have precisely enough time to digitally synchronize and upload his eternal soul to a cloud based omni-transponding worldwide network before his human based life ended."  

Jobs So-Called Final Resting Place Was Later Found To Be 

A Complicated Grid Of Brain Synthesizing And Upload Equipment

But not all Apple users are excited with the news that Jobs has begun showing up through different iOS medians in extremely integrated and personal ways.  University of Rutgers co-ed Sarah Vandalay reported one of many unusual connections with the previously deceased Jobs,  "So there I was having Facetime sex with my boyfriend and Steve Jobs face kept appearing over his face; I was freaked out man".  She adds, "It was nearly impossible to finish because he kept saying something about the 'NeXT Computer may have died but I never will'... it was creepy, super creepy". 

Apple developers have been privately struggling for months with unusual comments made by Siri; especially in regard to Apple Co-founder Steve Wozniak's back hair.  

"It's been frustrating", admitted 3rd year Apple software development manager Telfor Albaz.  "But it all makes sense now", says Albaz who shuffled several times in his seat before relenting that, "We really never figured out how we were going to replace the Google Maps Ap with our own 'vector based graphic system'. But we kept getting internal emails from people who didn't seem to work here that basically said 'Just fuck Google, fuck those copycat assholes and just delete their map system off people phones". 

As answers slowly come in as to how Mr. Jobs pulled off his human to digital transition, more questions have emerged as to just what Jobs has already done and what he might do.  An anonymous State Department official told CHN that "there are some things we can do to slow Jobs takeover of the earth and eventually the universe.  However, we have to be careful and very mindful that everything we say and do is heard and controlled by Mr. Jobs.  In fact, my voice on this phone call could be Steve using a simple voice synthesis driver that came free on the original iMac.  I'll just say this, The so-called 'Arab Spring'... that was Jobs.  

CHN.2012

Pippa Middleton Begs Press Not To Photograph Her During Naked Press Conference

Individually Begs 100's Of Newspapers Not To Publish Anything From The CD-Rom They've Been Given

Slut Pippa Middleton In A  2011 File Photo

London (CHN) - Pippa Middleton, the girl with the ass that bent over a lot at the Royal Wedding of Kate and William, is back in the news tonight following vague reports of her grandiose attempts to also avoid nude publication in several European newspapers.  

Princess Kate Middleton, who has a cute face, will reportedly have 100's of topless photos available for all to see on public newsstands later this week.  

The scandal, which has rocked the Royal Family, has riled the Queen to no end according to insiders at Buckingham Palace.  

Pippa addressed a handful of reporters Sunday, pleading with them not to photograph or provide any type of artist's rendering of her fully naked body; especially not in a 'downward dog yoga pose'.  

She also urged the press to reconsider publishing any images of her beloved Kate, saying only "Can you imagine the pain and embarrassment of having men across the world look at your exposed body with pure lust".  

Pippa closed the briefing by disclosing that she would also be very upset to see pictures of her naked body doctored so that her face looked way cuter.

CHN.2012

Kim Kardashian Furious That God Green-Lighted 'Look Like Your Soul Day'

"This is fucking bullshit", said Kardashian from an undisclosed location

Norway Killer Sentencing Will Be 'Kind of Tough'

Pain In The Butt Punishment To Cramp Style Of Man Who Murdered 77 Innocent People

Oslo, Norway (CHN) - Anders Behring Breivik was sentenced to 21 years in prison Friday morning in an Oslo courtroom for his twin terror attacks in Norway last year and will likely not have access to Pay Per Movies or The Food Network while in prison.

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Mr. Breivik, dressed in a dark suit and charcoal-colored necktie, smirked as the verdict was read against him in a packed courtroom.   Breivik will be forced to serve nearly 3 1/2 months for each innocent boy, girl, and adult supervisor that he shot, stabbed, and exploded to death during Norway's most heinous single crime ever committed.

The judge adding that "his vicious blood thirsty attack upon defenseless children shall result in very limited conjugal visits with state financed prostitutes or the very best sex manikins that money can buy".

Before the judge read the sentence, Mr. Breivik launched his trademark right wing salute, thrusting his right arm in the air while making a fist. It is unclear if the convicted mass murderer realized that he will not be able to kill the friends and families of his victims for at least 10 years or so depending on final release adjustments for good behavior. 

Those knowledgeable about Norway's correction system believe that Breivik will probably be super uncomfortable for a few weeks because the bedding and pillows in the Oslo's maximum detention facility are all brand new and haven't been properly broken in yet. Sources indicate that all prisoners can absolutely forget about the opportunity of listening to ABBA unless they listen to the music being playing by correctional officers which can be up to 30 meters away from the prisoners exercise area.  

The mass-murderer is scheduled to spend his first few months in the prison's rehabilitation center where he will try to strengthen and increase flexibility in his left elbow which has been 'tight with slight inflammation' ever since he used a knife to repeatedly stab and eviscerate a group of wounded victims that had attempted to swim off the island into the frigid Norwegian Sea.  

CHN.2012

Southern California Biologists To Tranquilize Redheaded Human

Scientists Hope That Its Not Too Late To Save Struggling Female

Malibu, CA (CHN) - A Marine Biologist team from Monterey, CA will join a 12 member group from the LA Zoo to attempt a rather ambitious plan to subdue and study a struggling Southern California bi-ped.  If all goes well the large female will get a full medical check up and a GPS tracking device that Scientists say will warn local restaurant goers and motorists of the beasts location.   

'Multiple Shots From The Tranq Gun May Be Required' According To Biologists

"We rarely see such specimens outside of Mississippi and Alabama mostly because of the high taxes on cigarettes and lack of open space.  She may have been following a catering truck and just got out of her normal territory before becoming confused and totally un-sexy looking," said wildlife expert Ross Martinez.

"The last thing we want to do is put her down", admitted Martinez; "but we have to take into consideration how terrible this creature looks since the movie 'Mean Girls'. 

CHN.2012

Toyota Recalls 7.4m Cars Due To 'Smells Like Ass'

Summer Temperatures May Have Caused Shit Stench To Worsen

Toyota announced this morning it would recall about 2.5 million cars and trucks in the United States and 7.4 million vehicles worldwide to fix a persistent smell of human excrement. There are no reports of major injuries from the problem, but it comes after Toyota told U.S. officials earlier this year that the problem wasn't that serious and didn't require a recall. 

The recall -- the largest by any automaker since 1996 -- involves inspecting and if necessary replacing any carpeting or leather covered with brown stains, presumably from butt juice created during the manufacturing process. 

The move reverses a stance Toyota took earlier this year, when the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration opened an investigation in February after a flurry of complaints.  At that time a public release by Toyota simply read 'He who smelt it... dealt it'.

The NHTSA upgraded its investigation in June, a step that often leads to a recall.
 

Toyota chief executive Akio Matsaka confirms that a combination of ball sweat and sphincter juice by one employee at their Durham, NC assembly plant was most likely the cause.  Darrel Rayburn, well known for his moist viscous farting has been identified by all members of the plant as the likely culprit.  Various reports of sticky switches and super nasty ass smell are believed to have combined to cause nausea and loss of fine motor skills during overheating.

Owners will start receiving notices to have their cars smelled at dealerships later this month; the procedure should take about an hour and will include a wet wipe and 3 'Pine Tree' type air fresheners. The models covered by the recall include a range of vehicles from the 2007 Yaris to the 2009 Highlander Hybrid.  CHN.2012

Big Titted Salma Hayek Joins Milk Campaign To Win Over Customers Who Love Big Tits

Actress Represents A Developing Strategy For The Dairy Industry

Wisconsin (CHN) - MilkPEP's "Got milk?" campaign has had great success over the years telling moms that milk is nutritious and should be an essential part of their children's diet. 

Marketing Firm Deutsch felt it was time to expand beyond a demographic focus to an occasion-based approach, based around the natural times of day to think about both big tits and milk— beginning with the first meal of the day. 

"Breakfast is the most significant and ritualized occasion for consuming milk and performing the first masturbation of the day," said Greg DiNoto, chief creative officer at Deutsch. "It became a natural platform for this huge fake tit effort." 

And while the work is meant to transcend demographics regarding varying size breasts, it does have a notable big fake tits angle—it stars the Mexican- American huge breasted actress Salma Hayek and is running in English and Spanish on TV, in print and online for big tit lovers across the spectrum.    

Hayek's agent says that the veteran big tit actress represents a great opportunity for advertisers to reach their core marketing targets.  Hayek also appears in recent Burger King adds which aim to capitalize on a rising demographic of Americans who eat fast food and also fantasize about having sex with or touching the giant fake tits of well known actresses.

2012. CHN

Romney Picks Wrong Rubio For VP Candidate

Ricky Rubio of Minnesota Has Been Selected As Mitt Romney's VP Candidate

Minnesota (CHN) - A dejected Marco Rubio of Florida took a difficult phone call this morning after finding out that GOP presumptive Presidential candidate Mitt Romney had selected a different Rubio to join his campaign. 

A Romney spokesman admitted that the selection was a terrible error not only because Ricky Rubio of the Minnesota Timberwolves has no political experience but also because the young point guard also has a torn ACL which has made him questionable for the start of next season. 

Longtime strategist Karl Rove had a different view, "...if Ricky Rubio can swing Minnesota, we can afford to focus on other key western swing states and possibly still make up the loss of Florida".

The Obama campaign was left flat-footed and has still not commented publicly on the selection of the Spanish born 21 year old rookie point guard who is not eligible for any federal office.  

 2012.CHN