Taxpayers OK Cash For Dinner And Rough Sex At Local Ramada
|File Photo of Napolitano Looking Depraved|
Washington D.C. (CHN) - Janet Napolitano, America's 3rd Homeland Security Chief, is being given a pass today by U.S. Citizens following widespread public revolt over intrusive TSA screenings, a lackluster effort to close the U.S. border, and allowing an embarrassing wholesale release of American diplomatic secrets through the 'WikiLeaks' website.
Although many Americans had concluded that Napolitano was horribly incompetent at her job; criticism waned after it slowly became clear that the security chief was the most sexually frustrated and sober woman in America.
The Administration's Press Secretary Robert Gibbs asked that Americans stop sending alcohol, drugs, and various types of sex machines to Napolitano's office. Gibbs told the Washington Press Corps on Monday that bottles of tequila and vibrators have been flooding the capital's mail system since Napolitano demanded that American travelers be looked at naked or undergo a thorough groping prior to traveling.
Gibbs made it clear that the President has heard the American people and that he (Obama) has authorized Napolitano to immediately engage in a 3-day weekend affair with 'some person already at the bar'. Although the location and name of the bar has not been disclosed it is widely assumed to be the 'Meow Hole' just outside of Arlington, Virginia.
|The President Gives An Executive Order for Napolitano To Get Nailed|
Tulsa native Herb Mattos told a CHN reporter that he speaks for all Americans when saying: "We do not care if she is gay or straight, we don't care how she likes it or where, we need her to get shit faced and have some person or group of people give it to her as hard as possible for as long as possible... our treat".
Although the Napolitano situation is unusual, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton suffered from the same deficit for nearly 20 years (1989-2008) and only began to recover after being fucked by Barack Obama during the DNC primaries.